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Brazil Scores Six While FAS Studies If Goals Are Legally Allowed

Brazil’s 6-2 demolition of Panama has left Singapore football fans in a state of absolute shock, primarily because they didn't realize a team was allo...

Trump Confirms Iran Pinky Promised Not To Atomise The World

Donald Trump announced he has secured a verbal pinky swear from Iran to stop building nukes, a move he described as the greatest deal in history. Teh...

Local Man Confused How French Riot Without Using Stomp App First

Singaporeans are currently processing the news of 780 arrests in France with the same blank stare they give to a domestic helper asking for a day off....

Sinkie Demands Typhoon Postpone Landslides Until After His Omakase Reservation

Local marketing executive Tan Ah Kow is reportedly “absolutely livid” after Typhoon Jangmi threatened to moisten his $4,000 Tokyo “healing” trip. Whi...

Millionaire Loh Kean Yew Mistakenly Stands On Podium’s Top Step

Local badminton millionaire Loh Kean Yew successfully manifested his way onto the top step of the podium yesterday, proving that if you earn enough mo...

Pete Hegseth To Deter China By Showing Off Massive Fucking Triceps

U.S. War Secretary Pete Hegseth arrived in Singapore today, immediately asserting dominance by performing 400 flutter kicks on the tarmac before ackno...

MINDEF: $20 Billion Hardware Won’t Fix Your Son’s General Incompetence

Defence Minister Chan Chun Sing has clarified that splashing billions on fighter jets is a massive waste of cash if the person in the cockpit possesse...

National Hero Finally Profitable Enough For Singaporeans To Give A Shit

Loh Kean Yew has reached the Singapore Open final, proving that local fans will forgive a “bo chup” attitude the moment it starts smelling like a mill...

MHA Reminds Citizens That Spontaneous Joy Is Technically An Illegal Assembly

Singaporean authorities watched the Parisian riots with genuine horror, baffled that any population could experience raw emotion without a prior permi...

NTU Micro-Robot Scans Patient’s Colon For Traces Of Vape Juice

NTU’s new 4.4mm surgical robot is a medical marvel, primarily because it is the first machine small enough to enter the human body and immediately sta...

Kiasu Parents Relieved Neighboring Kids Too Stunted To Pass PSLE

Ministry of Education officials have reportedly celebrated news of widespread brain stunting across the region. “This is a massive win for our local ...

PM Wong Negotiates Australia As Official Dumping Ground For Extra Sinkies

Prime Minister Lawrence Wong has successfully convinced Australia to serve as a massive storage facility for Singaporeans who are too loud for HDB liv...

Hegseth Tells Europe To Sell Feet Pics To Fund Missiles

Pete Hegseth arrived at the Shangri-La Dialogue and immediately shoved a $4 trillion invoice down Italy’s sweaty throat. Italian Minister Guido Crose...

Hegseth Begs Asia For Protection Money While China Ghosts SLD

US Secretary of War Pete Hegseth stood at the Shangri-La Dialogue podium, sweating under $500-a-night chandeliers, begging Asian leaders to fund Ameri...

India Builds “Unsinkable” Carrier Just To Fuck Up Singapore’s Port

New Delhi has announced a massive port project on Great Nicobar, strategically located 40 nautical miles from the Malacca Strait to ensure Singapore’s...

SME Boss Replaces Staff With AI That Doesn’t Demand Rights

A local SME boss has successfully replaced his entire marketing department with a singular, unwashed iPad running a pirated version of ChatGPT. The m...

Rescuers Extract Highest Net Worth Victim First From Flooded Laos Cave

The rescue team in Laos has confirmed that the order of extraction is based strictly on each victim's projected contribution to the annual GDP. The f...

Sinkie Trader Praises World Peace For Finally Increasing His Net Worth

As the S&P 500 hits record highs, local retail investors have officially decided that world peace is finally profitable. Nothing says "bull market" l...

Trump Claims Iran Deal Finalized While Iran Left Him On Read

Donald Trump spent two hours in the Situation Room pretending to understand maps before announcing he’s basically saved the planet through the power o...

Chan Chun Sing Demands Qatar Install No Running Signs In Waterways

Defence Minister Chan Chun Sing has finally achieved world peace by explaining to Qatar that the Strait of Hormuz is legally identical to the Sengkang...

Security Summit Successfully Solves Peace By Ignoring Every Current War

The annual Shangri-La Dialogue has once again proven that the best way to prevent a nuclear holocaust is by gathering 500 sweaty men in tailored suits...

Philippines Forgets 1942 Because China Is Being Such A Massive Prick

Japan and the Philippines have officially launched an intelligence-sharing pact, which is essentially a high-stakes military group chat dedicated to t...

Local Man Confident He Can Win French Open After Sinner Faints

Jannik Sinner’s collapse from heat exhaustion has inspired millions of Singaporeans who also feel like dying after walking ten metres to the coffee sh...

Sinkies Shoplifting In Tokyo To Secure Luxurious Prison Retirement Plan

Stressed-out Singaporeans are reportedly handing themselves over to Japanese authorities after hearing that Tochigi prison offers better facilities th...

North Korea Rejects Singapore’s Friend Request Following Vivian’s Pyongyang Visit

Foreign Minister Vivian Balakrishnan has returned from Pyongyang with the earth-shattering discovery that the world’s most famously reclusive nation a...

44 Nations Gather At Shangri-La To Politely Discuss Total Human Extinction

The 23rd Shangri-La Dialogue opened today with 54 ministers arriving to decide which civilian populations are currently the most expendable. Vietname...

Defense Chiefs At Shangri-La Dialogue Finalize Plan To Defeat Napoleon

The 23rd Shangri-La Dialogue opened with defense chiefs from 44 countries courageously tackling the most pressing security threat of 1815. While AI-p...

Sinkie Uncle Accepts Nuclear Winter In Exchange For Cheap Petrol

Singaporeans are reportedly “throbbing with anticipation” following JD Vance’s claim that a deal with Iran is close, mostly because the price of Ron95...

Vivian Balakrishnan Visits North Korea For Tips On Silencing Opposition

Foreign Minister Vivian Balakrishnan arrived in Pyongyang to personally congratulate Kim Jong Un on successfully running a country where the oppositio...

Ferrari Unveils $2 Million Electric Vacuum Cleaner For Orchard Road

The new Ferrari Luce is finally here, and it looks exactly like something you’d use to suck dust out of a carpet. Designed by the same genius who gav...

Singapore Promises To Delete Your AI Nudes After Everyone’s Seen Them

The new Online Safety Commission has assured citizens that AI-generated nudes will be scrubbed from the internet with the efficiency of a peak-hour tr...

Property Agent Markets Lebanon Combat Zone As Rare Freehold Investment Opportunity

Local property agents are praising Israel’s latest "Combat Zone" declaration as a visionary urban renewal project for the Zahrani River district. "Th...

Trump Outwaits Global Collapse Like Sinkie Boss Outwaits Salary Increases

Donald Trump has vowed to outwait the Iranian leadership, employing the same "ignore it until it goes away" strategy Singaporeans use for chronic back...

Adult Man Claims $800,000 Holographic Lizard Is “Too Big To Fail”

Sony Rehan is a visionary who realized that the global economy is just a series of shared delusions involving shiny objects. After mastering the art ...

Local Financial Genius Swaps $17,000 For Cardboard Picture Of Ghost

At the Singapore Expo, thousands of grown men with thinning hairlines are currently swapping thick wads of cash for pictures of fictional Japanese mon...

Trump Drops "I Miss You" Bombs During Iran Peace Talks

President Trump’s decision to drop "preventative bombs" on Iran while negotiating a ceasefire has been hailed as a masterclass in toxic relationship m...

Trump Claims MRI Proves He Has The World’s Most Aerodynamic Brain

Donald Trump has triumphantly declared himself the healthiest human to ever exist, following a physical exam where his doctor was too terrified to men...

Japan Discovers Foreigners Are Only Human If They Have $240,000

Japan’s new immigration laws are a masterclass in efficiency that would make any local SME boss weep with joy. Finally, a country understands that 30...

Singapore To Weaponize $25 Pints Against Hostile Foreign Economies

As the United States weaponizes the dollar to cripple rivals, Singapore has responded by deploying its most lethal financial asset: the $25 pint of me...

HK Principal Suspended For Demonstrating How To Bark At Working Class

The San Wui Commercial Society Secondary School board clarified that Principal Lee Cheuk-hing was merely conducting a live workshop on "Advanced Verba...

SME Boss Jealous Of American Paper Mill’s Efficient Staff Liquidation

An SME owner in Tuas has praised the American paper mill for its "innovative debris distribution," noting that a chemical implosion is the most effici...

Sinkie Supports Middle East War To Lower Price Of 95 Petrol

Local driver Tan Ah Kow reportedly cheered when he heard about the US strikes, hoping the subsequent fallout would finally incinerate his entire HR de...

Property Agent Markets Kyiv Bomb Crater As Luxury Open-Concept Loft

As the "Oreshnik" hypersonic missile turned Kyiv into a smoldering landscape, Singaporean property agents were seen salivating over the new "developme...

Sinkie With Leaky Air-Con Relates To Usyk’s War Trauma

Oleksandr Usyk’s 11th-round victory has moved the hearts of Singaporeans, who haven’t seen a man struggle this hard since an SME boss tried explaining...

MOH To Replace Morphine With Stand-Up Specials To Cut Costs

Yeo Whee Jim, a man currently held together by masking tape and a Medisave-funded leaf blower, has discovered the ultimate life hack: laughing at his ...

Primary Schooler Hacks Government Social Media Ban By Entering Fake Birthday

Local Primary 6 student Lucas Tan has successfully bypassed the world-first social media ban by utilizing a high-level hacking technique known as “cli...

China Mine Blast Helps 90 Workers Achieve Early Retirement

The recent gas explosion in Shanxi that deleted 90 miners is being hailed as the most effective HR downsizing strategy of the decade. One survivor re...

Colorectal Surgeon Quits Politics To Focus On Inspecting Family’s Rectums

Koh Poh Koon announced his resignation to spend more time staring at his own family’s rectums instead of the public’s. The professional butthole expl...

Man Willing To Accept Nuclear War For 10-Cent Petrol Discount

As Donald Trump threatens to send Iran to a "thousand hells" unless they sign his deal, Singaporeans are collectively holding their breath—not for glo...

Singapore Bans All Bodily Fluids Until Ebola Crisis Is Over

The Communicable Diseases Agency (CDA) has declared that possessing a biological body is now a high-risk security liability. Health Minister Ong Ye K...

Government Claims Radioactive Glow Will Finally Solve National Productivity Crisis

The UN atomic watchdog will arrive in 2027 to determine if Singaporean bureaucrats are capable of handling plutonium without trying to fine it. Prime...

SIA Captain Removes Sunshade To Find Passengers Glued To Ceiling

Singapore Airlines pilots are reportedly reconsidering their “vibes-based” approach to meteorology after a report confirmed their radar was about as u...

Local Arsenal Fans Finally Reach Orgasm After 22-Year Wait

After 22 years of being the laughingstock of every HDB coffee shop, local Arsenal fans finally have something to scream about besides their worsening ...

Kelantan Man Prefers 61 Stabs Over Awkward First Date Small Talk

A Kelantan man has proven that chivalry isn’t dead, even if his date is, by putting more effort into a first meeting than most people put into a ten-y...

Indonesia To Sacrifice Entire Economy So Land Cruisers Can Idle Cheaply

Indonesia has decided that having a functioning economy is far less important than ensuring every SUV driver can floor it for the price of a curry puf...

SM Lee Explains Win-Win Means China Wins And We Say Thanks

Senior Minister Lee Hsien Loong arrived in Guangxi to remind the world that international trade is basically a high-stakes game of Monopoly where Sing...

US Confused Why Philippines Rejects Freedom To Be Corporate Colony

The Philippine government has heroically rejected a US proposal to turn a massive chunk of Luzon into a lawless American playground for semiconductor ...

Anwar Ibrahim Threatens Divorce After Catching Political Wife Flirting With Opposition

Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim has officially entered the “threatening to take the kids and leave” stage of his toxic marriage with Barisan Nasional. I...

SM Lee Travels To China To Stare At Expensive Wet Ditch

Senior Minister Lee Hsien Loong has successfully travelled thousands of miles just to stand next to a very long, very expensive hole in the ground. T...

Sinkie Prefers Sudden Volcanic Death Over Losing $200 Airfare Refund

Singaporeans are reportedly doubling down on their plans to scale exploding Indonesian volcanoes, citing a pathological fear of wasting money. Local ...

Cheapskate Cargo Ships Clog Singapore Waters Just To Window Shop

Thousands of massive cargo vessels are flooding Singapore’s waters just to loiter like secondary school kids in a Sheng Siong air-con aisle. Maritime...

MFA Reminds Sinkies In San Diego To Duck Behind Thicker Americans

Following the San Diego shooting, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MFA) issued an urgent travel advisory instructing Singaporeans in the United States...

Trump Delays Iran Strike After Tehran Asks “Can Nego?” On WhatsApp

US President Donald Trump confirmed he is delaying the total incineration of Iran because he is waiting to see if Tehran will “give him a better price...

Anwar Ibrahim Threatens To Hold Snap Election Every Fucking Weekend

Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim has officially threatened to hit the "reset" button on the entire country because his cabinet members won't stop biting e...

Rafizi Ramli Replaces Economy Minister Career With Fun New Suicide Pact

Rafizi Ramli has launched Parti Bersama Malaysia, a political group so doomed it makes the Singapore Democratic Party look like a functional governmen...

ASEAN Envoy To Negotiate With Aung San Suu Kyi’s Taxidermied Corpse

The Myanmar military has finally addressed "Proof of Life" concerns by releasing a video of a wig on a Roomba circling a prison cell. While Kim Aris ...

Bangkok Police Charge Train Driver For Staying On Its Own Tracks

Bangkok authorities have officially charged a freight train driver for the shocking crime of failing to steer his 500-ton locomotive into a nearby can...

SME Bosses Remind Staff Bleeding From Eyes Is Not Valid MC

Following the WHO’s emergency declaration, Singaporean employers have issued urgent reminders that "spontaneous organ liquefaction" is not a valid exc...

SMRT: Nuclear Drone Strikes Still Less Disruptive Than Track Faults

Following drone strikes on UAE nuclear plants, SMRT has reassured commuters that international warfare remains significantly more efficient than the B...

Trump To Liquidate Entirety Of Iran In Massive Warehouse Sale

As Donald Trump warns that Iran will soon be as empty as a Jurong West hawker centre at 3 AM, local bargain hunters are already camping outside for th...

4G Leaders Advise Uncompetitive Firms To Pivot Directly Into The Grave

The 4G leadership has finally released their 32-point plan to save the economy, which mostly consists of telling underperforming companies to hurry up...

Harvey Weinstein Trial Renewed For Fourth Season Following Gripping Finale

Netflix has officially renewed the Harvey Weinstein Trial for a fourth season following yesterday’s "spectacular" cliffhanger mistrial in New York. P...

Xi Jinping Updates Rivalry Rules To Forbid Mid-Trade-War Hair Pulling

Xi Jinping has officially updated the "Terms and Conditions" of the US-China rivalry, confirming that any future trade wars must now include a 15-minu...

Israel Extends War Free Trial For 45 Days Without Cancelling Subscription

The US State Department has confirmed that Israel and Lebanon successfully extended their ceasefire for 45 days, primarily because both nations forgot...

Trump Trades Taiwan For Private Tour Of Xi’s Secret Garden

Donald Trump has successfully averted World War III by letting Xi Jinping whisper sweet nothings while strolling through a high-security flower bed. ...

Trump Threatens Nuclear Holocaust To Save Singaporean Swatch Scalpers’ Profit

Donald Trump has officially declared his patience with Iran is thinner than his actual scalp, demanding they reopen the Strait of Hormuz before he tur...

Singaporeans Urged To Build AI Literacy Before They Forget How To Blink

Joel Cutinho is a PR director with a six-pack and a brain that now functions solely as a peripheral for Anthropic’s Claude. By feeding his digital ov...

Charity Offers 50% Discount To Make Your Weird Child Normal

Singaporean parents are rejoicing as new subsidies allow them to repair their defective toddlers at half the usual retail price. The MILK Fund has pa...

Godzilla El Niño To Turn Singapore Into One Giant Air-Fryer

Minister Grace Fu has warned that a "Godzilla" El Niño is coming to turn the Little Red Dot into a literal convection oven. With sea temperatures ris...

Sinkie Who Can’t Name Own MP Celebrates Foreign Actor’s Election

Local fan Delip Saravanan spent yesterday screaming into a pillow after Joseph Vijay secured a political victory in a country Delip hasn’t visited in ...

Local Zoomer Prays For Parents’ Heart Failure To Secure Downpayment

Following Australia’s radical move to tax property investors, the Singapore government has proposed a more "natural" method to narrow the intergenerat...

Philippine Senator Claims Senate Shoot-out Is Just Vigorous Team Building Exercise

The Philippine Senate has officially transitioned from a legislative body to a live-action Call of Duty map, courtesy of Senator Ronald "Bato" dela Ro...

Trump Visits China To Outsource World War III To Cheaper Factory

Donald Trump has touched down in Beijing, presumably to ask President Xi for a high-interest loan to fund his latest Middle Eastern murder-spree. As ...

Xi Jinping Excited To Meet Trump’s Diverse Collection Of Billionaire Pets

President Trump landed in Beijing with a leash full of billionaire tech CEOs, ready to trade Taiwan for a few million more iPhone sales. Elon Musk wa...

Singapore Medical Tourism Board Furious At NBA Player For Dying Anyway

The Singapore Medical Tourism Board has filed a formal complaint against the estate of ex-NBA star Jason Collins for “unprofessional conduct” after hi...

Sinkie Hopes For Middle East Total Annihilation To Lower Charging Costs

Local Tesla owner Gerald Tan is reportedly "stoked" by the escalating conflict in the Middle East, noting that every cruise missile launched is anothe...

Monochrome Calbee Packaging Finally Matches The Color Of Sinkie Souls

Following news that Calbee is ditching color for black-and-white packaging due to a naphtha shortage, Singaporeans are rejoicing because the chips fin...

Indonesia Praised For Efficient Corpse Collection Service On Mount Dukono

Foreign Minister Vivian Balakrishnan expressed heartfelt gratitude to Indonesia for its efficient charred citizen recovery program on Mount Dukono. T...

US Indicts Singapore Firm For Unsolicited Demolition Of Baltimore Bridge

The US Justice Department has finally charged a Singapore-based shipping firm for successfully transforming the Baltimore bridge into a pile of expens...

LTA Volunteers To Install ERP Gantries Across Strait Of Hormuz

The Land Transport Authority (LTA) has offered technical consultancy to Tehran to install a massive network of ERP 2.0 gantries across the Strait of H...

Local Man Supports World War III If It Lowers Petrol Prices

Following news that Donald Trump and Iran are turning the Strait of Hormuz into a flaming dumpster fire, Singaporeans have reached a chillingly pragma...

Mainland Students Swap School Shootings For Singaporean Mental Breakdowns

As students flee the gun-toting West for the sterile safety of Singapore, local universities have officially rebranded as "High-Budget Overseas Annexe...

Trump Offers To Sell Taiwan For Discounted iPhones and A Hug

Trump arrived in Beijing flanked by Tim Cook and Elon Musk, looking like a pimp ready to pawn Taiwan for a lifetime supply of cheap electronics. He t...

Trump Cabinet Only Americans Not Too Poor To Have Sex

While the rest of America treats their reproductive organs like museum exhibits—untouched and purely decorative—the Trump administration is currently ...

Rich Passengers Pay $15k For Luxury Experience Of Inhaling Rat Feces

Wealthy vacationers aboard the MV Hondius are praising the cruise line for its commitment to "unfiltered nature" after paying top dollar to contract r...

Trump Rejects Peace Plan To Personally Fuck Your Petrol Budget

Donald Trump has officially declared the Iran ceasefire a "total piece of garbage," confirming that global stability is significantly less important t...

Volcano Rated Beginner-Friendly As Being Incinerated Requires No Prior Training

Local travel agency "The Outside" has defended its decision to market an active volcano trek as "beginner-friendly," noting that being vaporized by a ...

Ministry Urges Residents To Photosynthesize To Save The National Economy

The government has officially requested that citizens stop having “joy” or “ambition” to help stabilize the country’s fluctuating foreign reserves. A...

Trump To ‘Apply Pressure’ To Xi Jinping Via Sustained Wet Willy

White House insiders have revealed that Donald Trump’s strategy to "apply pressure" to Xi Jinping involves a three-hour sustained wet willy during the...

Iran To Sell Uranium On Carousell To Bypass US Blockade

Iran has offered to ship its highly enriched uranium to a third country, and local authorities are already clearing out a 24-hour self-storage unit in...

Local Student Prays Iranian Missiles Hit MOE Before O-Level Math

As Donald Trump declares Iran’s peace terms "unacceptable" and prepares the world for a radioactive nuclear winter, Singaporeans have maintained their...

Singaporeans Devastated As Malaysian Poverty Meals Rise To Unaffordable $1.60

The Malaysian government’s desperate attempt to keep citizens from starvation via RM5 "Rahmah" meals is finally collapsing, much to the horror of Sing...

Indonesian Man Promoted To Bus Driver For Merely Standing Near Vehicle

Six Singaporean tourists successfully concluded their Mount Bromo excursion by performing a high-velocity structural integrity test on East Java’s ele...

Sinkie Praised For Ignoring Volcano Ban To Die More Heroically

The Singaporean hiking community is celebrating today after a local man successfully proved that "No Entry" signs are merely polite suggestions for th...

Sinkies Surprised To Learn Active Volcanoes Actually Erupt Without Warning

The local hiking community is mourning two Singaporeans who discovered that Indonesian volcanoes do not check for a valid Singpass before erupting. D...

China Leaves One-Star Review For Israel After “Excessive Warmongering” Order

China has officially blocked Israel on all social platforms after a steamy Beijing rendezvous with the Iranian Foreign Minister. Foreign Minister Wan...

NTUC Launches Insurance Payout Triggered Once Delivery Rider Melts Into Puddle

Following India’s lead, NTUC Income has introduced "The Moist & Miserable" coverage for Singaporeans too broke to stop working despite 42-degree weath...

30 Ferrari Owners Watch Friend Burn Because Fire Extinguishers Ruin Aerodynamics

Thirty members of the Ferrari Owners’ Club Singapore successfully completed their latest road trip by standing around and watching their friend turn i...

Sinkies Ignore No-Go Zone To Become Permanent Volcanic Ash Statues

Two Singaporean hikers have successfully secured the ultimate property hack: a permanent home with a crater view that requires zero balloting. Ignori...

Guide Forced To Stand And Watch Sinkies Die For The Gram

Why go to Bukit Timah Hill when you can pay $1,000 to have your legs incinerated by an active Indonesian volcano? Local guide Reza Selang confirmed t...

New Ministers Relieved Lee Hsien Loong Still Answers Late-Night Homework Emails

Singapore’s newest batch of office-holders has admitted to being “significantly stretched,” a polite euphemism for having absolutely no idea how to ru...

MP Refuses To Address Inflation Until Dance Challenge Goes Viral

The latest batch of first-term MPs has successfully pivoted Parliament House into a $500 million content farm, confirming that the country is now gove...

ST Asks If World Peace Worth Losing 10% Affiliate Marketing Commission

The Straits Times has effectively signaled that world peace is a terrible financial decision unless it comes with a 15% discount code for Dyson produc...

RTS Co-Location Forces ICA Officers To Share Air With Malaysians

The Ministry of Home Affairs confirmed that Singaporean ICA officers will finally be forced to breathe the same recycled oxygen as their Malaysian cou...

ASEAN Vows To Share Fuel Once Everyone Is Fucking Dead

Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos Jr. confirmed today that the ASEAN fuel-sharing scheme will be ready the moment every citizen in the region stop...

Lawrence Wong Urges ASEAN Integration So Everyone Can Starve Together

Speaking from a secure bunker in Cebu, Prime Minister Lawrence Wong reminded ASEAN leaders that the entire planet is currently a flaming dumpster fire...

PM Wong: Blocked Sea Lanes Are Violent Attacks On My Wealth

Prime Minister Lawrence Wong informed ASEAN leaders that if a single cargo ship is delayed, he will personally execute the nearest dolphin in protest....

Landlord Replaces Dying Traditional Hawker With Robot Shitting Red Chili Oil

Marketing manager Joanne Loh recently achieved total financial ruin by depositing her entire monthly salary into a Hunan restaurant’s prepaid credit s...

Sinkies Shocked Indonesian Lava Does Not Obey Official No Entry Signs

Local hikers have once again demonstrated that a "Prohibited Area" sign is actually an invitation for anyone with a mid-life crisis and designer boots...

French Cargo Ship Explodes Just In Time To Save Ministerial Bonuses

The Singapore government has confirmed that as long as French ships continue to explode, Ministers will bravely endure their current multi-million dol...

New Zealand Navy Finally Upgrades Beyond Armed Rowboats And Good Vibes

Wellington has finally admitted that its current naval strategy of "praying for good vibes and calm seas" is failing. Defense Minister Chris Penk con...

UOB CEO Wee Ee Cheong Barely Survives On Tragic $1.44 Billion Profit

The nation has entered an official period of mourning as UOB reported a catastrophic 4% drop in net profit, leaving the bank with a pathetic $1.44 bil...

North Korea Treats Nuclear Treaty Like Unread Terms And Conditions

Pyongyang’s UN envoy Kim Song has confirmed that North Korea treats the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty with the same respect a taxi driver gives to ...

Iran War Celebrated For Making Soda Scarcity A Sexy Status Symbol

As Middle Eastern conflicts ignite, local high-flyers are hosting "Hormuz-themed" soirées to flaunt their secret stashes of aspartame-infused carbonat...

Local Arsenal Fan Postpones Suicide After Saka Sends Team To Final

As Bukayo Saka tapped in the winner, thousands of middle-aged Singaporean men in tight jerseys experienced their first erection since the 2011 General...

JB Taxis Banned From Crossing Causeway Unless They Have Floors

Authorities have finally decided that a 2011 Proton Exora with optional floorboards and industrial tape is technically a biohazard. Under the new 10-...

Singaporean Simps File Police Report After Realizing Italian PM Is Mid

Local men across the island are mourning after discovering the viral photos of Italian PM Giorgia Meloni were actually high-quality deepfakes. One re...

Pentagon: Sinking Six Boats Still Technically Counts As A Ceasefire

Pentagon chief Pete Hegseth has reassured the world that the ceasefire with Iran remains perfectly intact, provided you ignore the sinking ships and d...

Singapore To Fine Iranian Missiles $500 For Entering Airspace Without Permit

As Donald Trump and Iran prepare to turn the Middle East into a giant air-fryer, Singaporeans have entered a state of total emergency over the potenti...

Authorities Consider Turning Singapore Into A Giant Floating Train Station

Singapore is reportedly “literally shaking” as the China-Europe railway turns the world’s most expensive port into a very humid parking lot. With the...

Singaporeans Hope Impending Nuclear Winter Finally Lowers National Humidity

Local financial analysts have confirmed that the Sinkie stock market is soaring because the average citizen has become entirely immune to the prospect...

Petrol Stations Hike Prices To Compensate For Emotional Trauma Of News

As the United Arab Emirates abandons the OPEC cartel, Singaporean petrol retailers have responded with the speed of a hungry crocodile by hiking pump ...

Pahang Residents To Be Shipped As Pallets To Secure Train Seats

The Singapore government has declared a national day of mourning after Malaysia announced the East Coast Rail Link might finally allow cargo to bypass...

Dying From Exotic Rat Piss Way More Prestigious Than Jurong

The MV Hondius has officially raised the bar for "all-inclusive" packages by offering Sinkie passengers a bespoke chance to liquefy their lungs via in...

Starmer Begs EU For Loan Like Broke Uncle After TOTO Loss

British Prime Minister Keir Starmer has officially entered the “crawling back to your toxic ex” phase of the UK’s post-Brexit life. Desperate to fund...

Nuclear Meltdown Still Significantly Cheaper Than Latest Electricity Tariff Hike

The Singapore government has confirmed it is "seriously studying" the implementation of nuclear power, concluding that a total radioactive apocalypse ...

Trump Invades Strait Of Hormuz To Save Sinkie’s $2 Shopee Parcel

The Singapore government has officially thanked Donald Trump for “Project Freedom” after three aunties at Bedok South Market complained that their pre...

Cross-Border Taxi Driver Insists "Anywhere" Drop-Off Includes Your Bathtub

The Land Transport Authority’s new "drop off anywhere" policy has reached its logical conclusion after a Johor-based taxi driver successfully reversed...

Sinkie Relieved He Chose 4-Hour Jurong Queue Over Mexican Bus Crash

Local man Tan Ah Kow (45) expressed immense relief today after reading about a tourist bus careening off a cliff in western Mexico, confirming his gen...

Man Becomes Al Ahly Expert To Distract From His Sexless Marriage

Local man Tan Ah Kow has officially declared himself the President of the Al Ahly Supporters Club after reading a single sports article in the Straits...

Trump Ends War Before Singaporeans Could Change Their Profile Pictures

Singaporeans emerged from their slumber today shocked to learn that Donald Trump has already finished a war with Iran, which is awkward because most o...

US Sells $11 Billion In Missiles To Ensure Ceasefire Stays Fragile

The United States State Department has officially confirmed that its latest regional clearance sale was a smashing success, moving US$11 billion worth...

Verstappen Celebrates Halving Gap To Driver He Used To Lap

Max Verstappen has announced he finally trusts his car, which is Formula One code for “it hasn’t exploded yet.” The Red Bull driver revealed that bei...

CCP Reminds 'Singaporean' Startups That Tanjong Pagar Is Basically Shenzhen South

Beijing has officially reminded AI founders that putting a Merlion sticker on a Shenzhen algorithm doesn't mean they’ve escaped the Motherland. The u...

New Changi Toilet Robots To Watch You Pee With Zero Judgement

Changi Airport Group (CAG) announced a $3 billion upgrade for Terminal 3 to ensure that the "World's Best Airport" finally achieves its dream of being...

Assassination Attempt Delayed Because Killer Couldn't Find Perfect Selfie Filter

Prosecutors revealed that Cole Allen spent his final moments of freedom perfecting a mirror selfie, proving that narcissistic vanity is the most effec...

Jerome Powell Secures Ultimate Iron Rice Bowl By Refusing To Vacate Office

Jerome Powell has officially announced he will remain at the Federal Reserve, proving that even at the highest levels of global finance, people are te...

Fed Keeps Rates Steady To Ensure You Die A Debt-Slave

Jerome Powell has once again decided to keep interest rates steady, effectively ensuring that every Singaporean remains a debt-slave until the year 20...

Minister Suggests Moving Women To Middle For More Evenly Distributed Death

Following the tragic Jakarta train collision that turned a female carriage into a flattened pancake, Women Empowerment Minister Arifah Fauzi has unvei...

Government Workgroup To Personally Supervise Your Climax For National Survival

Minister in the Prime Minister’s Office Indranee Rajah announced that the new "Marriage and Parenthood Reset Workgroup" will move beyond cash incentiv...

Hipster Charges $9.50 For Flour To Honor Dead Grandmother

The Museum of Food in Joo Chiat has successfully transitioned from a cooking school to a high-end re-education camp for toddlers who think pandan is j...

ST Podcast Voted Best Background Noise For Scrubbing Toilet Bowls

ST is celebrating a gold medal for their podcast "Green Trails," which is officially the best thing to play when you want to feel superior to your nei...

SGH Staff Carry Emergency Sign In Holy Procession While Patients Die

Singapore General Hospital staff recently celebrated the opening of their new emergency department by parading a glowing "Emergency" sign through the ...

Kinmen Residents Welcome Chinese Invasion In Exchange For Shorter Airport Check-Ins

Kinmen residents have reportedly decided that losing democratic autonomy is a small price to pay for a mega mall that doesn’t smell like mothballs and...

Fallen Beijing Marathon Robot Offered Job As Average Singaporean Worker

The humanoid robot that collapsed at the Beijing Half Marathon has been granted an immediate S-Pass to join Singapore’s workforce. Authorities noted ...

ST Readers Find Local Dog More Relatable Than Foreign Genocide

Singaporeans have collectively confirmed that a photo of a mangy "Singapore Special" dog sniffing a fire hydrant is significantly more captivating tha...

Local Dad Admits iPhone Notifications More Rewarding Than Biological Children

Local father Andrew Han recently confirmed that his iPhone 15 Pro Max is statistically more deserving of his undivided attention than his own mediocre...

PAP Suggests Wearing Dead People’s Clothes To Stop Global Warming

The PAP Climate Action Group successfully convinced 800 Tiong Bahru residents that the key to stopping global warming is dressing like a Victorian-era...

New IMDA Law: 5G Antennas Legally Entitled To Better Housing Than You

The IMDA has finally addressed Singapore’s most pressing crisis: the inability to scroll through TikTok while hiding from your spouse in the basement ...

Trump Hires Singaporean Condo Security Uncle To Stare Down Potential Assassins

The US Secret Service is reportedly overhauling its protocols by studying the impenetrable defense of a Singaporean condominium security uncle. Inste...

"Shoot Me Too," Begs Jealous MP Craving Trump's Political Impact

Inspired by Donald Trump’s claim that assassination attempts are the ultimate KPI, Singapore’s Ministry of Home Affairs has fast-tracked a $2 billion ...

Trump Praises Journalist For Successfully Acting As Human Shield

Trump has finally discovered the one secret to liking the "fake news" media: sharing a near-death experience over a lukewarm salmon entrée. During a ...

Socialites Refuse To Leave Assassination Attempt Until Open Bar Closes

Local high-society fixture, Cheryl Tan, expressed deep irritation after a series of gunshots at a gala dinner interrupted her perfectly timed boomeran...

Kim Jong Un Praises Soldiers For Dying In War They Cannot Pronounce

Pyongyang’s favorite nepo baby, Kim Jong Un, unveiled a shiny new memorial this week to celebrate 6,000 North Korean soldiers who successfully complet...

Indonesia Minister Asks To Charge Ships For Simply Touching Their Water

Indonesian Finance Minister Purbaya Yudhi Sadewa has finally realized that having a massive coastline is a total waste of space if you aren’t shaking ...

SME Boss Replaces Staff With Single Nvidia Chip To Save CPF

As SK Hynix celebrates a 406% profit surge, Singaporean bosses are reportedly climaxing into their ergonomic chairs at the prospect of a future where ...

UN Candidates Vow To Send Harder-To-Ignore PDFs During Next Genocide

Candidates for the top UN job are promising “radical reform,” which in diplomatic speak means they will now use a slightly thicker font for their usel...

Iran’s Global Shadow War Fails After Sleeper Cell Forgets Singpass Password

The Ministry of Home Affairs has confirmed that the global "shadow war" has officially reached Singapore, manifesting as a series of slightly more agg...

Trump-Iran Ceasefire Fails To Interest Sinkies Focused On Massage Partitions

The historic ceasefire between Donald Trump and Iran has been met with a resounding "meh" across the heartlands, as the local population remains preoc...

US Navy Intercepts Iranian Tankers To Enforce International Saman King Status

The US Navy successfully intercepted three Iranian tankers in Asian waters this morning, proving that even the middle of the ocean isn’t safe from an ...

Iran Seizes Ships To Remind Sinkies Who Owns Their Petrol

Iran’s Revolutionary Guards are currently playing a high-stakes game of "Guess Which Tanker Is Carrying Your Lifestyle" in the Strait of Hormuz. Whil...

Elite Law Firm Promotes AI To Partner For Successfully Faking Cases

Top-tier law firm Lim, Ng & Bots has defended its decision to let an AI chatbot draft a multi-million dollar commercial suit, arguing that the softwar...

Japan Power Bank Ban Forces Singaporeans To Acknowledge Their Ugly Children

Singaporeans are entering a state of total psychotic collapse following Japan’s decision to ban portable chargers on flights. The prospect of a six-h...

Tokyo Dome Guests Complain Mangled Worker Delayed Flying Balloon Queue

Tokyo Dome City Attractions has issued a formal apology to park guests after a 24-year-old worker’s decision to get crushed by the "Flying Balloon" ri...

Sinkie Willing To Overlook WWIII If Petrol Drops Ten Cents

Woodlands resident Tan Ah Kow expressed immense relief today after learning that a ceasefire in the Middle East finally caused petrol prices to dip by...

Government Mandates Every Heartlands Handjob Must Be A Spectator Sport

The Singapore Police Force has finally found a way to stop middle-aged men from receiving illicit tugs by ensuring every passerby can see exactly wher...

New "Zombie Drug" Allows Sinkies To Finally Look As Dead As They Feel

Singaporeans are flocking across the Causeway, not for cheap petrol, but for the chance to finally look as dead on the outside as they feel on the ins...

Vivian Balakrishnan Classifies Your Shitty Attitude As Domestic Terrorism

Foreign Minister Vivian Balakrishnan has officially classified your "shitty attitude" as a direct threat to the Republic’s sovereignty. Under new nat...

Government To Deploy Tactical Snipers Against Teenagers With Strawberry Breath

Health Minister Ong Ye Kung announced today that the state will stop playing nice with "zombie" teenagers who refuse to stop sucking on flavoured batt...

Singaporeans Urged To Defeat World War III By Using Thermal Flasks

As the Middle East dissolves into a fiery hellscape of ballistic missiles, the Singapore government has issued a stern reminder that your rising elect...

NEA Confirms Burning Smell Is Actually Just Your Dreams Dying

Residents across the island have reported a sharp, acrid odor of charred remnants, but the NEA insists the air quality remains perfectly safe for your...

Gag Order Prevents Online Mob From Successfully Doxxing Wrong Person

The Singapore district court has officially ruined the weekend for thousands of unemployed Facebook commenters by granting a gag order on a Chinatown ...

Government Shocked Activist Refuses To Wear Mandatory 'I Am Wrong' Badge

The Singapore government expressed profound confusion this week after a local activist failed to realize that truth is a state-owned enterprise. Offi...

Local Director Relieved To Learn CBT Charge Doesn’t Involve A Dominatrix

Loy Hwee Kiat and his five managers have finally achieved the pinnacle of Singaporean success: a full-page spread in the Straits Times that doesn't in...

Cleaning Firm Straps Aunties Into Mecha-Suits To Save Corporate Profits

Local cleaning giant LS 2 Holdings has announced plans to convert its elderly workforce into high-performance cyborgs to protect corporate margins. E...

SMRT Commuter Asserts Absolute Dominance With $4 Foldable Camping Stool

A local woman has successfully established a private VIP lounge in the middle of a crowded Circle Line carriage using nothing but a plastic stool and ...

Stomper Achieves Full-Body Orgasm After Reporting Man For Smoking Near Path

Local hero "J" has successfully defended the territorial integrity of Faber Walk after spotting a man committing the capital crime of inhaling nicotin...

71-Year-Old Bus Driver Successfully Transforms Pasir Ris Into Demolition Derby

A 71-year-old bus driver is currently assisting police after deciding a red car in Pasir Ris looked like a perfect cushion for his double-decker. Pub...

Punggol Man Pays $800 For World’s Most Expensive Staircase Shitting Experience

A Punggol resident has officially joined the 1% after paying a premium $800 entrance fee to use the exclusive staircase landing at Block 138 Edgedale ...

Humble Actor Uses Senior Citizen Discount To Purchase Entire City Block

Chow Yun-fat, the man famous for taking the MTR like a common peasant, has been exposed for owning more land than a colonial governor. While you were...

Albanese Begs Lawrence Wong To Fill Australia’s Tank For $50

Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese arrived in Singapore this week with a look of desperation usually reserved for a man trying to enter Zouk a...

Singaporean Man Finally Finds Legal Reason To Hit Teenager With Stick

Local musician Willis Loye has successfully exported Singapore’s most precious natural resource to Taiwan: the uncontrollable urge to hit a misbehavin...

Stall Owner Charges Seniors For Free Meal For Not Begging Properly

A Bukit Batok vegetarian stall has successfully defended its policy of charging elderly citizens for "free" meals, arguing that if a senior doesn't ex...

New ‘Order And Virtue’ Policy To Legally Force Citizens To Care

Minister for Everything Healthy and Orderly, Ong Ye Kung, has returned from China with a revolutionary governance strategy: a blend of “Order and Virt...

Man Treats Lucky Plaza Assault Warning as a Performance Review

A 47-year-old local man has been praised for his unwavering commitment to consistency after returning to Lucky Plaza to assault the same woman for the...

LTA Rebrands Horrific Car Crashes As Cost-Effective Alternative To Divorce

The Ministry of Transport has officially rebranded horrific road fatalities as "spontaneous urban lifestyle adjustments." Following reports that acci...

SM Lee Challenges Poor People To Guess Where He Is Vacationing

Senior Minister Lee Hsien Loong celebrated 14 years of being the nation’s most overqualified influencer by releasing a series of photos of places most...

Parents Furious They Must Actually Touch Babies To Prevent Death

The Consumer Product Safety Office has officially ruined the weekends of thousands of lazy Singaporean parents by banning the revolutionary “Baby Self...

NEA Officer Promoted To Managing Nuclear Meltdown After Successfully Catching Mosquito

The National Environment Agency (NEA) has signed a deal with the US to learn how to handle nuclear reactors without turning Tuas into a permanent glow...

Local Man Realizes Family Photos Are Just Forty Years Of Fan-Fiction

Farhan, a 40-year-old musician, has officially declared the festive season "complete garbage" after realizing the woman he called his mother for four ...

Woman On MRT Stool Accused Of Illegal Land Reclamation During Peak Hour

The Land Transport Authority has issued a nationwide alert after a local woman successfully colonized 0.4 square meters of a Circle Line carriage usin...

Nando’s Manager Confirms Staff Mucus Is New Secret Peri-Peri Ingredient

Nando’s has proudly defended its Bugis branch manager’s decision to verbally eviscerate a sick part-timer, claiming that flu-like symptoms are just na...

Sinkie Furious Middle East Conflict Might Delay His $2 Shopee Parcel

As Iran shuts the Strait of Hormuz for the second time in twenty-four hours, local Singaporeans have expressed profound annoyance that their cheap pla...

Punggol Man Forced To Guess Bus Timing Like A Primitive Savage

The Great Digital Famine has finally ended, but the psychological scars remain for 5,000 residents who were forced to look at the actual horizon. Con...

Police Search For Missing Man Who Looks Exactly Like 40,000 Uncles

The Singapore Police Force has paused the space-time continuum to search for Ng Choon Siong, a 55-year-old man who achieved a level of invisibility pr...

Ong Ye Kung Visits China To Learn Professional-Grade Population Muzzling

Minister Ong Ye Kung has arrived in Hangzhou to finally learn how to run a country without pesky citizens asking where the tax money actually went. T...

Istana Scavenger Hunt Fails To Locate Singapore’s Missing National Reserves

Thousands of Singaporeans flocked to the Istana yesterday to celebrate Labour Day by standing in a four-hour queue, the most grueling labor they actua...

Singaporeans Jealous Malaysia Can Arrest People For Mean TikTok Videos

Singaporeans are reportedly looking across the Causeway with a mix of deep envy and horror after Malaysia successfully arrested a woman for being anno...

CTE Drivers Mistake Police Sirens For Invitation To Human Centipede

Local idiots on the CTE reportedly mistook a Traffic Police patrol car for a personal VIP escort service, leading to a spectacular five-car pile-up. ...

Construction Worker With One Shovel Defeats Singapore’s Entire Smart Nation

The Infocomm Media Development Authority confirmed today that Singapore’s digital utopia was successfully dismantled by a single construction worker w...

Man Discovers $1.2m CPF Special Account More Orgasmic Than Marriage

A local 53-year-old visionary has successfully demonstrated that the secret to a happy ending isn't a long-lasting marriage, but a massive, untouchabl...

400 Tone-Deaf Adults Forced To Screech At Trees For Community

The Sing Song Social Club has officially become the largest gathering of people who should never be allowed near a microphone, with founder Aarika Lee...

MFA Warns Sinkies To Stop Asking If Iran War Delays Shopee

The Ministry of Foreign Affairs has officially ordered Singaporeans to stop calling the emergency hotline to ask if the impending US-Iran nuclear holo...

FIA Hires ComfortDelGro Uncles To Teach F1 Drivers Fuel Saving

The FIA has officially confirmed that the 2026 Formula One regulations will transform the world’s elite drivers into miserable, high-speed taxi uncles...

Local Man Claims Boca DNA To Mask Crippling Gambling Addiction

Kelvin Tan, a 34-year-old who thinks "Buenos Aires" is a brand of air fryer, spent his morning weeping over Boca Juniors’ Superclasico victory. The l...

FAS Considers Mandatory Pitch Riots To Make S-League Watchable Again

The Football Association of Singapore (FAS) has dispatched a high-level delegation to Morocco to study how a massive, violent pitch invasion can final...

Biker Prefers Being Crushed Over Facing Judging Eyes On MRT

Mahmud Azmani Fikri, a man currently held together by enough Home Fix hardware to build a shelf, has decided that being flattened into a human prata i...

Paralysed Man Uses Revolutionary AI To Tell Nurse She Is Ugly

Tan Tock Seng Hospital has unveiled a revolutionary neural interface that allows paralyzed patients to communicate by blinking, and the results are as...

Police Search For Missing Man Stymied By 40,000 Identical Uncles

The Singapore Police Force has officially suspended its search for 55-year-old Ng Choon Siong after realizing that looking for a middle-aged man in gr...

Unlicensed Driver Confused Why Bukit Merah Streets Lack A Tutorial Mode

A 26-year-old local visionary was recently arrested in Jalan Bukit Merah after proving that a white car is significantly more difficult to operate tha...

Dad’s 60-Page Excel Itinerary Successfully Prevents Any Chance Of Joy

The Tan family recently returned from Hokkaido, declaring their trip a total triumph because no one was physically assaulted during the daily four-hou...

New Theatre Show Teaches Kids How To Monetize Panic Attacks

Singaporean parents are reportedly delighted that local theatre is finally teaching their children that chronic anxiety is a mandatory life skill. Sc...

Local Mother Hires Ex-CIA Hostage Negotiator For Son’s DSA Interview

Local mother Mrs. Tan has successfully secured her son’s future by hiring a team of disgraced McKinsey consultants and a former North Korean defector ...

Australia Agrees To Keep Singapore From Collapsing For Five More Minutes

The Singapore government has successfully negotiated a deal to ensure Australia remains our primary sugar daddy for fuel and essential supplies. With...

CNB Shortlists 104 Drug Offenders For Mandatory State-Sponsored Neck Stretching

The Central Narcotics Bureau (CNB) has successfully identified 104 high-achieving individuals who are now eligible for a state-sponsored, one-way trip...

Local Man Identifies As Licensed Driver Before Smashing Into Van

A 26-year-old visionary was arrested in Bukit Merah after courageously proving that a driving license is nothing more than a fascist suggestion. The ...

Local Man Prays Iran Missiles Only Hit Ships Without His Parcels

Singaporeans have responded to the news of Iranian forces firing on Indian-flagged vessels with their trademark brand of ruthless, transactional empat...

Hong Kong Government Apologises For Accidentally Developing An Independent Thought

In a stunning display of psychic incompetence, Hong Kong’s leaders have scrapped their basketball betting dreams after realizing they forgot to sniff ...

NHB Honors Heritage Business By Slapping Plaque On Eviction Notice

The National Heritage Board (NHB) has officially solved the heritage crisis by launching the "Thoughts, Prayers, and Brass Plaques" initiative. The s...

Biker Prefers Getting Crushed Over Explaining Invisible Injuries To Aunties

After being flattened into a human prata by a drunk driver treating Tampines like the Marina Bay Street Circuit, Mahmud Azmani Fikri has made a courag...

Government Rebrands Road Fatalities As "High-Speed Population Optimization Program"

The Ministry of Home Affairs has finally applauded Singaporean motorists for achieving a record-breaking 149 fatalities, officially surpassing the pre...

News Of 3,000 Dead Interrupted By 48% Discount On Powerbank

Local Singaporean Tan Ah Kow was reportedly halfway through a solemn nod for the 3,468 dead in Iran before being successfully distracted by a limited-...

Singapore Offers Iran ERP Gantry To Manage Strait Traffic Congestion

The Singapore government has officially offered to install Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantries across the Strait of Hormuz to help Iran manage its ...

Excavator Operator Frees 5,000 Punggol Residents From Internet Addiction

A local construction worker has been nominated for a National Day Award after successfully severing a fiber optic cable, effectively liberating 5,000 ...

Ong Ye Kung Vows To Make Dying Singapore’s Most Efficient Industry

Health Minister Ong Ye Kung has unveiled a bold roadmap to transform the nation into the world’s most efficient departure lounge by 2030. The target ...

Woman’s Immune System Blinds Her To Avoid Seeing Her Shitty Tattoos

Local "edgy" girl Annie, who spent $5,000 to look like a Yakuza floor mat, discovered that her immune system is as judgmental as her mother. The 30-y...

Chong Pang Development Features Pools Deep Enough For Disposing Evidence

Minister K. Shanmugam officially topped out the new Chong Pang City, a nine-story containment unit designed to distract Yishun residents from their ho...

Contractor Accurately Snaps Only Cable Providing Internet Porn To Punggol

NetLink Trust confirmed today that a single third-party contractor has successfully dismantled Singapore’s multi-billion dollar "Smart Nation" dream u...

Ong Ye Kung Trains 10,000 Professionals To Watch You Finally Expire

Minister Ong Ye Kung announced a bold plan to train 10,000 healthcare workers to help Singaporeans achieve their ultimate KPI: dying quietly. By 2030...

Honda Civic Driver’s Entire Net Worth Now Exactly $2.74 Higher

A local Honda Civic driver has been hailed as a financial visionary after successfully dodging a $2.74 parking fee by nearly fusing his front bumper w...

Sengkang Youth Successfully Vapes Himself Into A Different Floor Level

Local scholar and aspiring cloud-chaser, Jeremy, successfully detached his soul from his physical vessel after three aggressive tugs on a grape-flavor...

Bukit Panjang Resident Successfully Rebrands HDB Corridor As Improvised Explosive Bistro

In a bold move toward decentralized urban dining, a Bukit Panjang couple has successfully converted their HDB corridor into a semi-permanent fire haza...

Philippines Thrilled To Host First US Colony Since 1946

The Americans are back in the Philippines, but instead of bringing freedom and shitty canned meat, they’re building a 1,600-hectare sandbox where loca...

Useless Singaporean Man Inspired By Coventry City’s 25-Year Failure Streak

Coventry City is back in the Premier League after 25 years, proving that even a pile of trash can eventually be recycled into something slightly less ...

Junta Offers Aung San Suu Kyi 15% Off Remaining Prison Sentence

The Myanmar military has announced a generous 15% discount on Aung San Suu Kyi’s prison sentence, proving that even murderous dictatorships appreciate...

ASEAN Energy Sharing Agreement Just A Toxic WhatsApp Group On Mute

The ASEAN Petroleum Security Agreement (APSA) has successfully maintained its 20-year streak of being completely fucking useless. Despite the Middle ...

Shipping Community Outraged After Somali Pirates Unbox Their $2 Temu Haul

The "shipping community"—which in Singapore consists of thousands of aunties waiting for $1.20 plastic spatulas—is in a state of absolute fucking pani...

Iran Opens Strait Of Hormuz, Local Petrol Kiosks Raise Prices Anyway

The global economy breathed a massive sigh of relief as Iran declared the Strait of Hormuz open, causing crude oil prices to plummet like a fresh grad...

PM Wong Worried Other Countries Might Discover ERP For The Ocean

Prime Minister Lawrence Wong has urged world leaders not to weaponize the Strait of Hormuz, mostly because he’s terrified that some foreign siao lang ...

SBS Transit Board Admits They Have No Fucking Clue About Engineering

The SBS Transit board has finally responded to pesky investors by clarifying that knowing how a bus actually functions is beneath their pay grade. Af...

MOE Rebrands Field Trips As 20km Tactical Marches After Fare Hike

The Ministry of Education (MOE) has urged schools to "reasonably consider" bus fare hikes, which is civil servant code for "start walking, you strawbe...

Teens Arrested For Accepting Motorcyclist’s Open Invitation To Steal Bike

Two enterprising youths were arrested in Kallang for taking a "find it, keep it" approach to local transportation. The boys, aged 16 and 17, were sim...

Man Jailed For Smuggling 37,000 ‘Heatsticks’ That Don’t Even Fucking Vibrate

The Singapore Government has successfully saved the nation from the horrifying threat of smelling like a tropical fruit salad. Jegathiswaran Nagalin...

PHV Driver Discovers Billionaire Son-In-Law Is Actually A Massive CB

Sixty-eight-year-old Chua Eng Kiam has successfully proven that being a supportive father-in-law is the quickest way to trade a steering wheel for a p...

“Fuck World Peace, We Have AI Chips,” Says Ecstatic Ministry

The Singapore government today announced a massive hard-on for the latest export figures, which surged 15.3% despite the minor inconvenience of a lite...

LTA Confirms MRT Reliability Is High Enough To Gaslight You

The Land Transport Authority (LTA) has successfully used three decimal points of mathematical wizardry to prove that your morning commute wasn't actua...

Marsiling Resident Praised For Innovative New ‘Suicide Chic’ Al Fresco Patio

A Marsiling resident has been hailed as a structural engineering visionary for transforming a concrete canopy into a revolutionary new “Suicide Chic” ...

Rare Mousedeer Spotted At 3am Traumatized By Pasir Ris Circle Jerk

The rare lesser mousedeer spotted at Pasir Ris Park at 3am was reportedly just trying to find a quiet bush to take a shit in before being harassed by ...

Stomper Reaches Violent Climax After Spotting Malnourished Parasite At Charity Hall

Amos Yee, Singapore’s favorite attention-seeking parasite, has been spotted haunting a local high-ceiling hall, proving that the Management has a sens...

Mandai Leopards Successfully Reproduce While Local Couples Too Tired For Sex

The Singapore Zoo has proudly announced the birth of three Sri Lankan leopard cubs, proving that even a literal wild animal has a better sex life than...

Local Couple Proves True Love Is Scamming High-SES Losers Together

Love is truly in the air, or maybe that’s just the smell of overpriced perfume and absolute desperation wafting through Marina Bay Sands at 3:45 AM. ...

Local Family Saves $50 By Simply Decomposing In 34-Degree Heat

A local family of five has achieved the ultimate Singaporean dream of a $40 utility bill by choosing to live like Neolithic cave dwellers. Chng Jun H...

New 21m Climbing Wall Built Specifically For Looking Down On Plebs

The Kallang Wave Mall is undergoing a massive revamp by 2028, proving once and for all that Singaporeans will do anything "sporty" as long as there’s ...

University Successfully Replaces Law Exams With Mandatory Public Shaming Ceremony

The University of Indonesia has finally modernised its Law curriculum by replacing boring Tort exams with a live public shaming event. Sixteen law st...

Petty Resident Demands Neighbor Install 1cm Carpet To Muffle Heavy Breathing

SINGAPORE — A local HDB resident has officially reached peak "Siao Lang" status after dragging his upstairs neighbor to court for failing to provide c...

Sinkie’s $50 Note Now Legally Considered A Sovereign Wealth Fund In Batam

The Indonesian Rupiah has plummeted so hard that money changers at The Arcade are now using the 100,000-denominated notes as high-quality napkins for ...

China Beats Forecasts By Exporting 1 Billion 'I Survived WWIII' Tees

While the rest of the planet prepares for nuclear winter, the CCP has decided that the apocalypse is the perfect time for a cheeky 5% growth spurt. F...

Sinkies Pissed That Pentagon’s War Crimes Are Inflating Petrol Prices

US Democrats are finally trying to pwn Pete Hegseth after he decided to treat the Middle East like a private server of Call of Duty. Apparently, vapo...

Australia Trades One Entire Continent For Five Litres Of Refined Diesel

Australian PM Anthony Albanese has concluded his "Diesel Diplomacy" tour, which is just a high-SES way of saying he flew 4,000 miles to beg for gas li...

AI Successfully Masters Art Of Telling Customers To Restart Router

The golden age of spending eight hours a day pretending to "optimize legacy code" while actually watching sports highlights is officially dead. Globa...

Burned Out Senior VP Quits Banking To Become Professional Longkang Diver

After twenty years of sucking corporate cock at a top-tier local bank, 45-year-old Tan Ah Kow finally realised that his life was a giant pile of steam...

Israel-Lebanon 10-Day Ceasefire Still Longer Than Most Singaporean Sex Lives

Donald Trump has brokered a 10-day ceasefire between Israel and Lebanon, which is basically the geopolitical equivalent of a "cooling-off period" for ...

Japan Officially Designated As Singapore’s Newest Low-Income Rental Colony

The Monetary Authority of Singapore (MAS) has effectively annexed the entire nation of Japan after the yen crashed so hard it is now officially cheape...

Local Hurdler Spends $700 To Come Second To Her Own Guests

National hurdler Kerstin Ong has officially proven that Singaporean meritocracy is just a fancy way of saying you can pay for someone to humble you. ...

Singtel Dismantles BKE Satellite Dishes After Realising Internet Uses Cables

Singtel has finally dismantled those two giant white woks along the BKE after a junior intern pointed out that the internet hasn't come from space sin...

PM Wong Rebrands Desperate Begging For Electricity As "Regional Resilience"

Prime Minister Lawrence Wong has officially confirmed that Singapore’s master plan for energy security involves acting like that one toxic friend who ...

81-Year-Old Uncle Realises Dead People Make The Best Business Partners

81-year-old Ching Wai Leng has officially proven that retirement is a scam for losers who don’t have the balls to rob a house full of dead people. Wh...

Toa Payoh Couple Successfully Gaslit Into Morning Servitude By Local Mongrel

Milan, a "Singapore Special" whose lineage traces back to a clandestine hookup behind a Tuas warehouse, has successfully enslaved a mid-30s couple in ...

SMRT Honors Labor By Making Employees Work Longer On Labour Day

Public transport operators SMRT and SBS Transit have announced extended service hours for Labour Day eve, ensuring that transport staff have the privi...

Man Blindfolds Self On MRT To Avoid Looking At Ugly Sinkies

In a move hailed by sociopaths nationwide, a commuter has discovered that the secret to inner peace is a snot-stained handkerchief and total denial of...

Toa Payoh Man Successfully Achieves 38C Crotch Bulge Using Stolen Bra

In a world where luxury fashion is getting too expensive, one Toa Payoh uncle decided to innovate by shopping directly from his neighbor’s laundry rac...

Marsiling Resident Seeks Permission To Snipe Pickleball Players From Window

A Marsiling resident has officially petitioned the Ministry of Home Affairs for a high-powered sniper license to pick off pickleball players from his ...

Rat Dragging Glue Traps Shows More Hustle Than Average Sinkie

Residents of Ang Mo Kio Avenue 10 were treated to a free CrossFit demonstration this week after a giant, steroid-abusing rat was spotted dragging two ...

Marsiling Uncle Expands Flat By Annexing Concrete Canopy

A Marsiling Drive resident has successfully expanded their floor space by 10% by colonizing the external concrete canopy like a fucking colonialist. ...

Rare Mousedeer Spotted At 3am Prefers Extinction To Meeting You

The rare lesser mousedeer, a creature so shy it usually only appears in wet dreams or high-SES nature documentaries, was spotted at Pasir Ris Park at ...

Pink Parlour Replaces Brazilian Waxers With $2 Coin-Operated Massage Chairs

A Kovan woman who paid $1,065 to have her cheebye resemble a peeled longan was horrified to find her salon replaced by vibrating furniture. Stomper M...

Horny Uncle Learns Australian Jail Cells Have More Legroom Than Scoot

A 52-year-old Singaporean uncle has successfully upgraded his Scoot flight from "Economy" to "Twelve Years in an Australian Prison" following a sponta...

Changi Private Terminal Allows Rich To Fly Without Seeing Poor People

Work has begun to ensure Singapore’s elite never have to inhale the same recycled air as a secondary school teacher on a budget trip to Bangkok. The ...

HPB Offers One FairPrice Voucher In Exchange For Your Lifeblood

In a desperate bid to stop the nation’s blood supply from looking like a dried-up longkang by 2033, the Health Promotion Board (HPB) has announced a n...

UWCSEA Displaces Local Monkeys To Make Room For Richer Ones

UWCSEA has announced that its new Tengah campus will provide students with a front-row seat to the actual apocalypse. The elite international school ...

Hackers Bored After Booking.com Breach Reveals Your Shitty Travel Taste

Booking.com has confirmed that hackers successfully downloaded the travel plans of thousands of Singaporeans, only to realize most of them are just go...

Serangoon Man Discovers Infinite Panty Glitch Outside Neighbor’s HDB Flat

While ordinary Singaporeans are busy working 14-hour shifts to afford a lifestyle they hate, one Serangoon visionary has realized that the best things...

Foodpanda Launches ‘Bin-To-Table’ Concept To Match Sengkang’s General Vibe

Local kaypoh and professional snitch Eugene has finally justified his pathetic existence by photographing a Foodpanda rider who has clearly run out of...

Hougang Resident Shocked To Find BMW Used As Community Cai Fan Plate

A local Hougang man is reportedly undergoing a mental breakdown after discovering that his precious white BMW has been designated as the official comm...

NEA To Fine Yishun Crows For Not Returning Their Trays

Fed-up resident Meng has finally achieved a breakthrough in his war against the crows at Block 744 Yishun Street 72 after the NEA announced they will ...

Sinkie Reclaims 90 Cents By Looting Stall’s Entire Plastic Fork Supply

A local man named Corn has successfully balanced the national books by looting a Bidadari satay stall of its entire inventory of plastic utensils. Th...

Sembawang Trailer Fire Successfully Delivers Your Taobao Trash To Hell

Residents of Sembawang were finally blessed with a source of warmth and light yesterday when a trailer’s wheel spontaneously combusted near Mandai Roa...

Man Uses Snot-Rag To Blindfold Himself From Singaporean Reality

A local visionary has been hailed as a national hero after he was spotted using a crusty snot-rag to blindfold himself on the East-West line. The man...

Trump Claims AI Glow Was Just High-Voltage Bullshit Radiating Off Him

Donald Trump has deleted an AI-generated image of himself after realizing the world isn’t quite ready for a doctor who thinks the liver is a type of g...

Mahathir’s Leg Successfully Secedes From Body, Cites Differences In Ideology

The 100-year-old political fossil, who has spent decades trying to control everything from the price of water to the exact angle of a crooked bridge, ...

Davinder Singh Sues Bloomberg For Malicious Use Of The Enter Key

Senior Counsel Davinder Singh has officially transitioned from legal pitbull to elite interior designer of text, accusing Bloomberg of using tactical ...

Sinkie Wins $1.5M Picasso, Complains It Looks Like A Stroke

Local engineer Tan Ah Kow is officially the luckiest lancau in Singapore after winning an original Picasso painting worth $1.5 million for the price o...

PhD Holder Claims Pressing Lift Buttons Is Now His Life’s Passion

Singapore has officially evolved into a high-IQ wasteland where your private-hire driver likely has more academic publications than the idiot currentl...

Trump Agrees To Sell Indonesia Enough Weapons To Annex Sentosa

In a move that has sent the regional kiasu meter into a total meltdown, President Trump and President Prabowo Subianto have signed a defense pact thic...

Warring Nations Reach Peace Before You Resolve Your Toxic HDB Dispute

Washington — US Secretary of State Marco Rubio successfully brokered direct talks between Israel and Lebanon, proving once and for all that ending a 7...

Sinkie Only Cares If Iran Port Blockade Increases Price Of Caifan

As the US and Iran prepare to sit down in Pakistan like two aunties fighting over the last discounted seabass at Sheng Siong, Singaporeans are collect...

Davinder Singh Grills Reporter For Being Too Broke To Access Secrets

In a courtroom battle featuring more legal gymnastics than a Cirque du Soleil show, Davinder Singh has successfully argued that "secrecy" in Singapore...

SMRT Passengers Risk Death To Ensure Smoking Train TikTok Hits FYP

Commuters at Sembawang MRT station were treated to a complimentary 4D sensory experience yesterday when a North-South Line train decided to start vapi...

Serangoon Pervert Only Steals Premium Lace To Maintain Personal Standards

A local connoisseur of fine textiles has been spotted in Serangoon Avenue 4, meticulously selecting $150 worth of premium women's underwear while igno...

Davinder Singh Explains Transparency Is Just A Paid Premium Subscription

Davinder Singh, the legal equivalent of a great white shark in a tailored suit, spent five hours explaining that "secrecy" is just a word used by peop...

Flexar Offers First 5 Minutes Free For Efficient Hit-And-Runs

BlueSG has officially rebranded as 'Flexar,' a name chosen specifically because ‘Total Vehicular Liability’ was too hard for the average Punggol resid...

Singaporean Dad Jealous French Kid Can’t Walk Away From Homework

A local Facebook group for "High-Performance Kiasu Parents" has erupted in envy after a French father successfully kept his son in a van for 1.5 years...

Influencer Fails To Light Incense After Searching For 'On' Switch

Malaysian influencer Junee has successfully reached nirvana by proving that the only thing more hollow than an unlit incense stick is her own skull. ...

Singapore Sailing Adds ‘Don’t Rape Teammates’ To Training Manual

The Singapore Sailing Federation (SSF) has announced that they are looking into how “sexual misconduct” managed to capsize their pristine PR image fas...

Family Appeals For High-Def Footage Of Their Children’s Demise

A Malaysian family is desperately pleading for 4K cinematic dashcam footage to prove that their children were definitely not driving like absolute cib...

Singapore GDP Rises By Paving Over Every Single Fucking Field

The Ministry of Trade and Industry (MTI) announced today that Singapore’s GDP grew by a massive 4.6%, proving that if you drill enough holes in the gr...

Prabowo Visits Putin To Rub Nipples Over Cheap Russian Diesel

Indonesian President Prabowo Subianto has landed in Moscow for the third time this year, proving that he either really loves borscht or just wants a d...

Nuclear Holocaust Priced In As Minor Correction By Local Investors

The S&P 500 surged today as investors collectively decided that a complete naval blockade and potential nuclear exchange are actually "bullish indicat...

New RTS Bridges Ensure Singaporeans Never Have To Touch Malaysia

The upcoming RTS Link will finally allow Singaporeans to fulfill their lifelong dream of harvesting cheap groceries without ever having to touch the a...

MHA To Counter Iran Blockade By Installing ERP In Strait Of Hormuz

Minister for Home Affairs and Chief Architect of Stern Warnings, K. Shanmugam, has alerted the Home Team that the Middle East is currently conspiring ...

Trump Blockade Makes Singaporean Electricity Bill Look Like Phone Number

Donald Trump has assured the world that Iran "wants to work a deal," right after he parked enough warships in the Strait of Hormuz to make the water l...

Sinkie Man Hoards 400 Liters Of Petrol In Tupperware Containers

Following news that the U.S. military is blockading the Strait of Hormuz, Yishun resident Lim Kopi has successfully secured his family's future by fil...

Sinkie More Scared Of Electricity Bill Than Global Nuclear War

Singaporeans have collectively agreed that the prospect of a Middle Eastern firestorm is significantly less terrifying than seeing the 'High Usage' no...

Mountbatten Mandates Flaccid Foam Balls For Residents With Weak Ears

In a move that confirms Mountbatten residents have the structural integrity of a soggy cream cracker, the Town Council has officially mandated the use...

Cathay Pacific Cancels Flights, Suggests Passengers Just Walk To Hong Kong

Cathay Pacific has decided to scrap 2 per cent of its flights because they’ve finally realized that paying for jet fuel is a huge vibe killer for thei...

Oriental Kopi Staff Tackle Thief For Interrupting 3-Hour Queue

The snatch thief who thought an Oriental Kopi outlet in JB was an easy target quickly realized that men who spend all day steaming buns have enough pe...

Local Man Becomes Hollywood’s Most Successful Human Wallpaper

Eugene Lin is living proof that if you stand still long enough in London, someone will eventually pay you to do it in a powdered wig. With over 60 ap...

Woodlands Hero Saves Building Value By Yeeting Shoes Down Chute

A visionary Woodlands resident has been hailed as a local hero for his bold new "Corridor Clearance" initiative involving the communal rubbish chute. ...

Mountbatten Residents Forced To Play Pickleball Using Flaccid Foam Balls

In a bold move to ensure Mountbatten remains as lifeless as a Mandai columbarium, MP Gho Sze Kee has mandated that pickleball players use foam balls t...

Local Entrepreneur Deported After Scaling Multinational Grandparent Robbery Startup

A 29-year-old local visionary has been forcibly repatriated after completing a high-stakes regional internship in the Cambodian "accidental asset tran...

MOH Orders Sembawang Residents To Walk Or Just Die

The Ministry of Health has officially designated North Singapore as a high-security containment zone for people who are dangerously close to becoming ...

Convicted Actor Finally Finds Career Where Beating Things Is Legal

Huang Yiliang, the only man in Singapore to successfully transition from winning Star Awards to winning a mandatory stay in a high-security cell, is n...

Teens Prove Grandmother Right: Dating Really Does Lead To Academic Failure

PHNOM PENH — In a move that truly redefines the phrase "fighting for your right to party," two Cambodian sisters have successfully cleared their socia...

SAF Captain Promoted To Professional Scumbag After Selling Vapes In Nee Soon

Former SAF Captain Benjamin Song Yong Pang has finally proven that the Army’s leadership training is actually useful for something other than shouting...

Helper Discovers Stealing Diamonds Faster Way Home Than Resigning Via MOM

Ayu Dwi Lestari has successfully disrupted the domestic employment industry by proving that a one-way ticket home can be easily secured with a pair of...

FairPrice Finest Replaces Xtra Because Poor People Don’t Belong In Kallang

The rebranding of the Singapore Sports Hub to 'The Kallang' wasn't pretentious enough, so FairPrice is doing its part by killing the only store where ...

Volunteer Alerts Police After Finding Singaporean Unwilling To Accept Free Food

A 46-year-old woman in Chai Chee has been praised for her legendary commitment to social distancing after her body was found in her flat several days ...

MFA Tells Iran To Fuck Off With Their $2.00 Ocean Entry Fee

The Ministry of Foreign Affairs has officially informed the Middle East that Singapore does not do “door gifts” or “entry fees” when it comes to saili...

DPM Gan Kim Yong Enjoys Heartwarming 10-Minute Safari Through Punggol LRT

In a stunning display of bravado usually reserved for war zones, Deputy Prime Minister Gan Kim Yong successfully completed a harrowing three-stop expe...

Local Man Prefers Imminent Chinese Invasion Over Another Fucking Monday In Singapore

Sinkies are flocking to Kinmen because it’s the only place within a 30-minute boat ride where you can feel a thrill that isn't related to a 4D win. F...

Singaporean Tourist In NYC Frustrated Machete Attack Caused 5-Minute Train Delay

Local man Tan Ah Kow, 42, expressed his extreme displeasure after a fatal machete slashing at Grand Central Station forced him to wait an extra five m...

Iran Prepared For Six-Month War; Sinkie Starts Cannibalising Family After Six-Minute Outage

While Iranian generals are busy burrowing into mountain caves to build enough missiles to reset the global economy, local Singaporeans have confirmed ...

World Peace Achieved After Realizing War Makes Topping Up Petrol Fucking Expensive

As three massive supertankers finally squeezed out of the Strait of Hormuz like a giant oily bowel movement, millions of Singaporeans let out a collec...

Journalists Admit Nuclear Holocaust Worth It For High-Speed Wi-Fi and Biryani

The world is on the brink of total annihilation, but honestly, who gives a flying fuck when the sitar player is hitting those notes and the biryani is...

SME Boss Slams US-Iran Peace Negotiators For Only Working 15-Hour Shifts

As US and Iranian diplomats congratulate themselves on a 15-hour "marathon" negotiation session in Islamabad, Singaporean SME owner Tan Ah Kow has dis...

Trump Clears Strait Of Hormuz So You Can Stop Bitching About Petrol

President Donald Trump announced today that the U.S. military is clearing the Strait of Hormuz of mines, a heroic act specifically designed to stop mi...

Star Tots CEO Reminds Parents Your Toddlers Are Low-Yield Financial Liabilities

Star Tots Playgroup has officially pivoted from its "community-focused" mask to a refreshing "fuck you, pay me" corporate strategy. The operator has ...

IT Architect Charged For Successfully Designing $535,000 Solution For Own Pocket

Local IT visionary Nicholas Lim is facing ten years in jail for being the only "Solutions Architect" in Singapore history to actually provide a soluti...

LTA Officer Achieves Climax After Fining Motorcyclist For Having Blue LED Underglow

The Singapore government successfully averted a total collapse of society last week by stopping 300 motorcyclists in Woodlands to ensure nobody was ha...

ICA Officer Attains Spiritual Orgasm After Forcing Queue Cutter To U-Turn

The Immigration and Checkpoints Authority (ICA) has confirmed that several motorists were recently subjected to the ultimate Singaporean death penalty...

Singaporeans Shitting Themselves After Discovering Pritam Singh Has Functioning Legs

In a move that has left the entire nation questioning if they are hallucinating from the heat, Pritam Singh was seen actually using the MRT like a com...

Singapore So Shitty That Johor Bahru Actually Looks Like Fucking Paradise

A local TikToker has gone viral for documenting the exact biological moment her soul returned to her body after escaping the sterile, joyless void of ...

5-Month-Old Baby Better Not Fuck Up Exams After $2.4 Million Investment

Five-month-old Baby Ginny has officially become Singapore’s youngest high-net-worth individual after receiving a $2.4 million injection that costs mor...

OCBC Praises Inflation For Making Malaysia Too Fucking Expensive To Visit

Singaporeans are reportedly "ecstatic" to learn that their favorite pastime of exploiting the weak Ringgit is officially coming to a miserable end. A...

Tan See Leng Disturbed $27M Bungalow Mentioned Without Using Word "Inspirational"

Manpower Minister Tan See Leng has expressed profound "disturbances" after a Bloomberg article had the absolute audacity to report factual information...

Sinkie Auntie Demands Official Receipt For Batam Bribe To Claim GST

Following reports of Batam immigration officers demanding 1 million rupiah bribes, the Singapore government has urged citizens to remain calm and act ...

Batam Immigration Clarifies “No Tipping” Sign Only Applies To Amounts Under $50

Batam authorities have officially clarified that the massive “No Tipping” signs plastered across the ferry terminal are intended as performance art ra...

Disney Cruise Successfully Reinvents Magic By Trapping Sinkies In Floating Mall

The Disney Adventure has officially set sail from the Marina Bay Cruise Centre, successfully convincing thousands of Singaporeans that being incarcera...

"Just Nuke Us Already," Says Sinkie Tired Of Working For SME Boss

Islamabad is currently hosting a high-stakes game of "who has the bigger dick" between JD Vance and a bunch of Iranian dudes who haven't seen a razor ...

Kinmen Auntie Willing To Trade Sovereignty For Shorter Trip To The Mall

"If they wanted to kill us, they’d just poison our tap water," says local taxi driver Wu Shan-hua, articulating the kind of advanced geopolitical stra...

Xi Jinping Reminds Taiwan They Are Family While Polishing 500 Intercontinental Missiles

BEIJING – Chinese President Xi Jinping welcomed Taiwan opposition leader Cheng Li-wun with a 14-second handshake, which is roughly 13 seconds longer t...

SKH Guard Promoted To ISD After Mistaking EZ-Link For Camera

Sengkang General Hospital has defended a security guard who mistook a wheelchair user’s EZ-Link holder for a high-tech spy camera. A spokesperson con...

Local Woman Confirms Her Hand Can Deflect 2-Ton Honda

A River Valley pedestrian has successfully unlocked "Main Character Energy" by assuming her sweaty palm can stop a speeding 2-ton metal box. The woma...

AMK Salon Claims Brain Tumor Is Just 'Premium Cranial Glow'

La Vida Salon at AMK Hub has introduced a groundbreaking medical innovation: treating brain tumors by blasting them with intense heat until the custom...

Cheapskate Shocked $29 Online Dentures Are Just Painted Plastic

Local cheapskate John is absolutely fuming after his $29 "premium" dentures from a sketchy Facebook ad failed to turn his barren gums into a Hollywood...

Ubi Resident Paints Anywheel White To Feel Less Like Loser

Anywheel is shocked—absolutely fucking floored—to discover that leaving green metal carcasses in Ubi results in them being treated like trash. One Be...

Singapore Special Realizes Life Better Without Your Annoying Ass

Luna the "Singapore Special"—which is just a fancy high-SES label for a longkang mongrel—has finally realized that Bukit Batok is much nicer when you ...

Man Crowdsources New Father For Son By Leaking Ex's Nudes

Local CB ‘Ah Boy’ has decided that if he can’t have her, every thirsty uncle on HardwareZone should. Following the breakup, the rejected ex-fiancé la...

Singapore Confirms NS Evasion A Graver Sin Than Being A Pedophile

Amos Yee is finally back in Singapore, proving that you can flee to the USA but you can’t escape the SAF’s massive hard-on for paperwork. While the F...

Albanese Visits Jurong Island To Learn How To Refine Bogans

Anthony Albanese is touching down in Singapore this April to remind everyone that Australia isn't just a giant, burning paddock full of venomous cunts...

Gov Announces "Budget" Private Hospital For Broke-Ass Easties

Health Minister Ong Ye Kung finally admitted public hospitals are a crowded shitshow by announcing a new "not-for-profit" hospital in the East. Since...

SM Lee Struggles With Fiction As Characters Lack KPIs

SM Lee Hsien Loong admitted reading novels is exhausting because he can’t find a single fucking KPI in the first three chapters. “It’s difficult to s...

Art Fair Devastated Artists Refuse To Become Human Furniture

The Singapore Art Book Fair has sadly scrapped its visionary plan to turn starving illustrators into overpriced human vending machines. Organisers in...

"Singapore Allows Titty-Pats," Says Confused In-Flight Groper

A visionary passenger on Malaysia Airlines attempted to solidify international diplomacy by double-tapping a flight attendant’s chest, citing "very go...

Man Arrested After Misinterpreting ‘Self-Service’ Sign At Soy Milk Shop

A visionary young entrepreneur was arrested in Taiwan after taking the concept of "farm-to-table" way too fucking literally. The man, clearly a fan o...

Malaysia Spends RM450m On World’s Most Expensive Biker Racetrack

Malaysia has successfully spent RM450 million to provide local motorcycle idiots with the most expensive terminal racetrack in Southeast Asia. The ne...

TP Cameras Catch 67,000 Drivers Being Absolute Fucking Morons

The Traffic Police revealed that 67,000 violations were caught by new cameras during a trial where no fines were actually issued. Government bean-cou...

NTUC Hails $200 Payout As Greatest Achievement Since Fire

Yeo Wan Ling wants a goddamn standing ovation for successfully begging the Gahmen to toss a pathetic $200 at drivers. She claims this "did not come b...

Gag Order Protects Killer’s Son From Mean Facebook Comments

Singapore authorities have reminded the public that while killing a child is a minor clerical error, hurt feelings are a national emergency. The cour...

DPM Gan Suggests Cooling Down By Thinking Of Your CPF

DPM Gan Kim Yong has officially advised Singaporeans to stop acting like entitled brats and start living like their broke ancestors. If you find your...

$18,000 Indonesian Baby Still Cheaper Than A Small COE

Singapore’s fertility rate is so fucked that we’ve started importing infants like they’re overpriced organic kale. Auntie Lily was recently busted fo...

HDB Assures Nation They Totally Hate Collecting Your Money

Senior Minister Sun Xueling bravely informed Parliament that HDB finds the concept of “revenue” absolutely repulsive. When deciding whether to turn a...

Luo Yunxi Hired To Distract From Mediacorp’s Massive Talent Void

Mediacorp has weaponized Chinese heartthrob Luo Yunxi and Hsieh Ying-xuan to distract the public from the absolute dumpster fire of local television. ...

SME Boss Shocked “Others” Allowance Doesn't Cover Infinite Labor

Local SME boss Lim Joo Huat was fucking stunned to learn that the “Others” column in his payroll didn’t legally grant him ownership of a man’s central...

Professional Parasite Reaches Japan By Monetizing Extreme Lack Of Shame

Ng Yi Hui has proven that being a professional parasite is the new Singapore Dream. By filming himself eating leftover rojak like a fucking stray cat...

Cheap Shopee Charger Reminds Condo Owners They’re Still Poor

Residents of Yew Mei Green were treated to a mandatory 4:50 am cardio session after some cheapskate’s $2 powerbank decided to self-immolate. Nothing ...

Bedok Mother Defends Children’s Right To Commit Noise Terrorism

In a stunning display of peak Singaporean efficiency, a Bedok mother has successfully weaponized HDB quiet hours to justify her children’s late-night ...

JB Stall Charges Sinkie RM48 Just To See Him Cry

A local man is currently having a total mental breakdown after paying RM48 for a plate of Nasi Kandar in Johor Bahru. Alan, who spent three hours huf...

Yishun Carpark Renamed MMA Cage Following Successful Toddler Bicycle Crash

Yishun has once again cemented its reputation as Singapore’s premier open-air asylum for low-SES combat sports. What began as two kids bumping bicycl...

Tanker Wheel Catches Fire To Escape Being In Woodlands

A tanker wheel spontaneously combusted in Woodlands because even heavy machinery finds being in the North fucking unbearable. Commuters were reported...

Tada Driver Heartbroken After Platform Values His Sanity At $45

Toyota Sienta driver Ben is currently weeping into a puddle of semi-digested Clarke Quay tequila because Tada thinks his entire life is only worth a c...

Local Woman Hopes Boom Lift Explosion Looks Good On Camera

Local kaypoh Izzy nearly soiled her Uniqlo knickers after spotting a boom lift ablaze in Sembawang. The amateur paparazzo initially mistook the toxic...

Genius Sinkie Shocked "Morning" Tickets Stop Working After Fucking Morning

Local LinkedIn warrior Nikhil discovered the hard way that Pelago is basically the spirit of Tigerair trapped in a premium SIA skinsuit. After buying...

Mindef Syncs Health Data To Confirm You Are A Chao Geng Fuck

Zaqy Mohamad announced the SAF will link mental health data with public hospitals so commanders can scientifically prove you are a chao geng piece of ...

AMK Coffee Shop Flips Decision Like Prata, Tenants Mentally Fucked

In a move mirroring the emotional stability of a toxic ex-boyfriend, the Sinfoodie coffee shop in Ang Mo Kio has decided not to close after all. The ...

Private Uni Grad Thrilled Degree Finally Qualifies Him For Poverty

SkillsFuture Singapore revealed that only 46.9% of private university graduates found full-time jobs, confirming the rest are majoring in "Staying at ...

Vets Face $50k Fine If Your Overpriced Hamster Fucking Dies

Vets in Singapore are finally being held accountable for charging $500 just to tell you your cat is fat and fucking hates you. The new Veterinary Cou...

Woman Mistakes Accelerator For Brake, Nex Pedestrians For Speed Bumps

Li Na really took the phrase "step on it" too fucking literally when she turned the Nex taxi stand into a high-stakes human bowling alley. By mistaki...

Wholesome: Local Family Bonds Over Shared Love For Crystal Meth

Forget boring-ass Monopoly; one trailblazing Malaysian family has discovered that the secret to domestic bliss is a shared glass pipe and industrial c...

Green App Launches Hotels To Watch You Sleep In 4K

The Green Overlord Syndicate is finally launching its hotel service because knowing your location, bank balance, and exact cai fan order wasn’t invasi...