As Donald Trump threatens to send Iran to a "thousand hells" unless they sign his deal, Singaporeans are collectively holding their breath—not for global stability, but for a miserable five-cent drop in 95-octane petrol prices.

The Ministry of Trade and Industry issued a statement reminding citizens that while the reopening of the Strait of Hormuz is "encouraging," they should still expect to pay for fuel with their livers and their children’s inheritance.

"I don't care if Trump nukes the entire region or buys them all burgers," said local driver Tan Ah Kow, while idling his engine in a forty-minute queue at a Sin Ming petrol station.

"As long as my weekend trip to Johor Bahru doesn't cost more than my monthly salary, he can glass the whole place for all I care."

Authorities confirmed that if the deal fails, Singapore will immediately raise the price of plastic bags to $5.00 to help mitigate the "global vibe shift."