The Singapore government has officially offered to install Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantries across the Strait of Hormuz to help Iran manage its naval congestion.

Transport officials suggested that charging tankers $4.50 to pass during peak hours would be far more effective than an unrefined military blockade.

Local residents responded to the global oil crisis by immediately filling their Tupperware containers with 95-octane petrol at the nearest Esso station.

"I don't care about Trump or nukes, I just want to know why my private hire ride to Orchard costs $72," said one citizen while sweating in a three-hour petrol queue.

The Ministry of Trade and Industry assured the public that the national stockpile contains enough oil to keep the nation’s malls at a freezing 16 degrees for exactly one month.

Aunties have reportedly started hoarding sardine cans as currency, anticipating a future where a tin of Ayam Brand is worth more than a terrace house.

Security at Jurong Island has been tripled after a man was caught trying to suck oil directly out of the ground with a stolen plastic straw.

If the conflict escalates, the SAF will reportedly deploy a tactical team of safe-distancing ambassadors to ensure the Iranian Revolutionary Guard stays one meter apart at all times.