Local fitness enthusiast Tan Ah Kow was reportedly "overjoyed" to discover a mysterious new protrusion in his groin, initially assuming he had finally hit a late-life growth spurt in his most prized department.

"I thought, 'Wah lao, finally my kuku bird growing big!'" said the 59-year-old, who spent forty-eight hours strutting through Orchard Road in grey sweatpants to assert dominance over younger males.

The celebration ended abruptly when a doctor confirmed the "squishy, gurgling" sensation was actually his small intestine attempting a tactical retreat through a hole in his abdominal wall.

"Doctor say it’s a groin hernia, not a biological upgrade," a tearful Tan told reporters while clutching his medical referral.

"I already brag to my kaki I become Mandingo. Now I just look like a sick uncle. KNN."