The Ministry of Foreign Affairs has officially informed the Middle East that Singapore does not do “door gifts” or “entry fees” when it comes to sailing through a goddamn war zone.

Minister Vivian Balakrishnan made it clear in Parliament that if Iran thinks they can charge Singaporean ships a couple of bucks to pass through the Strait of Hormuz, they can go fly a kite into a US carrier group.

“We are signatories to UNCLOS, which basically means we have a ‘Gold Member’ pass to every ocean on the planet for free,” whispered a source from the MFA while clutching a copy of international law like it was a 1-for-1 buffet voucher.

Zhulkarnain Abdul Rahim further explained that paying a toll is a slippery slope that leads straight to us actually having to be nice to our neighbors.

“If we start paying the Iranians to not blow us up, what’s next? Paying the Malaysians for the air we breathe in the Straits of Malacca? Fuck that,” Zhulkarnain reportedly said, probably while staring intensely at a map of the world.

The MFA’s official stance is that international law isn’t just a suggestion, it’s a magical shield that allows a tiny red dot to tell a country with nuclear ambitions to suck a lemon.

According to the Ministry, the moment we open our wallets to a blockade, we lose the right to act like the smartest kids in the room who get everything for free.

Experts suggest that the government is terrified that if “Transit Passage” becomes a paid service, the price of petrol will go up so high that people might actually have to start walking, which is a fate worse than death.

“We don’t negotiate with terrorists, and we definitely don’t negotiate with people who charge more than $1.50 for parking,” added another official who was busy renewing his passport.

Ultimately, Singapore’s message to the world is simple: our principles are non-negotiable, and our wallet stays shut tighter than a Tupperware lid at a funeral.

If the Middle East wants our money, they’ll have to do it the traditional way—by opening a themed cafe in Haji Lane and charging $18 for a plate of mediocre hummus.