As US and Iranian diplomats congratulate themselves on a 15-hour "marathon" negotiation session in Islamabad, Singaporean SME owner Tan Ah Kow has dismissed the effort as "typical strawberry generation laziness."

Mr. Tan, who considers an 18-hour workday "basically a half-day leave," expressed his utter disgust that the fate of global security was being decided by people who clearly haven't discovered the productivity benefits of sheer, unadulterated fear.

"15 hours is a marathon? KNN, my interns work longer than that just to figure out how to use the photocopier without crying," Tan barked while lighting a cigarette with a $50 note.

Regarding Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s claims of "crushing" Iran’s nuclear program, Tan noted that "crushing" is only impressive when it involves the spirit of a fresh graduate asking for a living wage.

"You want to talk about crushing? I crush the souls of thirty Singaporeans every Monday morning before my first Kopi-O," the logistics tycoon added, scratching his balls through his Pagoda singlet.

Tan also expressed extreme irritation at the Strait of Hormuz being blocked, not because of the potential for a third world war, but because his shipment of cheap plastic shit from China was delayed by three days.

"I don’t care if Tehran gets turned into a parking lot, I just want my cargo to arrive so I can sell it to idiots at a 400% markup," Tan explained to reporters.

The 58-year-old businessman noted that if he were in charge of the negotiations, the war would have ended in twenty minutes or everyone in the room would have had their CPF contributions suspended indefinitely.

"These diplomats are all pussies, talking for 15 hours and achieving nothing but a few mood swings and a high electricity bill," Tan said, visibly annoyed by the concept of diplomacy.

"In Singapore, we don't 'negotiate' with enemies—we just sue them until they have to sell their house and live in a cardboard box under a bridge."

At press time, Tan was heard calling his HR manager to check if the office air-conditioning could be turned off to compensate for the "ridiculous" rise in global oil prices.