Pete Hegseth arrived at the Shangri-La Dialogue and immediately shoved a $4 trillion invoice down Italy’s sweaty throat.

Italian Minister Guido Crosetto tried explaining that his citizens prefer affordable electricity over enriched uranium, but Hegseth was too busy flex-testing the structural integrity of the buffet table.

"Listen here, you pasta-slurping loafers," Hegseth reportedly screamed while doing one-handed pushups on a tray of premium laksa.

"The American taxpayer is done subsidizing your soft lifestyles while we build space-lasers to melt the moon."

Crosetto argued that European voters find military spending "difficult to justify" when they currently use scented candles to find their toilets at night.

Singaporean officials suggested Italy should adopt the local "SME mindset" by hiring unpaid interns to man the frontlines for "valuable exposure."

Hegseth concluded his address by suggesting Europe open a collective OnlyFans account to bridge the budget gap before the US repossesses France.