The rescue team in Laos has confirmed that the order of extraction is based strictly on each victim's projected contribution to the annual GDP.

The first man pulled from the freezing sludge was identified as the only survivor with a valid premium credit card and a premium LinkedIn account.

Divers reportedly swam past three starving miners to reach the individual who promised a five-star review and a potential seed investment in the rescue company.

"We had to verify their bank statements through the limestone walls before deploying the expensive oxygen," said one specialist diver while buffing silt off a waterproof Rolex.

The remaining six men have been informed that their extraction is currently pending a successful viral crowdfunding campaign or a high-interest payday loan.

One victim huddling in the dark expressed concern that his luxury gym membership might go to waste while he slowly drowns in the muck.

Authorities confirmed the two missing men were likely "low-value individuals" and simply not worth the rising cost of scuba tank refills.