In a desperate bid to stop the nation’s blood supply from looking like a dried-up longkang by 2033, the Health Promotion Board (HPB) has announced a new scheme where you can finally trade your actual lifeblood for a $5 FairPrice voucher.

Health Minister Ong Ye Kung, looking increasingly like a hungry pontianak in a crisp white shirt, revealed that since Gen Z would rather watch a 15-second TikTok of a dancing cockroach than save a life, the government must now resort to literal vampirism to keep the elderly alive.

“The supply curve is going down, the demand curve is going up, and quite frankly, you lot are being very kiam siap with your hemoglobin,” Ong said while sharpening a sterilized needle with a predatory glint in his eye.

Starting in 2026, the Healthy 365 app will allow users to bypass the 10,000-step requirement by simply letting a nurse drain them like a packet of Yeo’s Chrysanthemum Tea.

Internal memos suggest that 500ml of 'O' Positive can be exchanged for enough Healthpoints to buy a single pack of frozen chicken wings or three minutes of air-conditioning in a public library.

“Why sweat on a treadmill for 40 minutes like a lanjiao when you can just lie down and let us harvest your essence for a few transport vouchers?” asked one HPB spokesperson, who was seen licking a stray drop of blood off a clipboard.

The new “80 For 80 Blood Marathon” aims to gamify the process, encouraging SME bosses to force their staff to bleed in unison until the company’s KPI for “Human Sacrifice” is met.

One local youth, 19-year-old Jayden Tan, expressed lukewarm interest in the scheme while ignoring his grandmother’s heart palpitations.

“Wah lau, $5 voucher only? My blood is premium grade leh, I drink expensive cold brew every day,” Jayden said while trying to find a filter that makes him look less anaemic.

“If they give me a Legendary skin in Mobile Legends, then maybe can talk, if not, the gahmen can go fly kite,” he added.

Medical experts warn that the aging population is consuming blood at an alarming rate, mostly to sustain their ability to wake up at 5 AM and complain about the younger generation in the kopitiam.

“If these strawberry generation kids don't start leaking for the state soon, we might have to start mandatory National Service: Phlebotomy Edition,” warned an anonymous official.

At press time, the Ministry of Finance was seen calculating the exact monetary value of a human soul to see if it can be used to offset future GST increases.