As Middle Eastern conflicts ignite, local high-flyers are hosting "Hormuz-themed" soirées to flaunt their secret stashes of aspartame-infused carbonated water.

Socialites in Sentosa Cove were seen snorting crushed artificial sweeteners off limited-edition cans while actual human suffering played in the background on a 70-inch Samsung OLED.

"Who cares about geopolitics when my mixer is running low?" screamed one influencer while decorating a can with $5,000 Swarovski crystals.

Entry to these "Fizz-is-Life" raves costs more than a migrant worker's monthly salary, with the main event being a raffle to win a single warm can of Diet Coke.

The government has urged citizens to stay calm, suggesting that if the supply runs out, they can simply drink the sweat of an intern to maintain their caffeine levels.

Participants are encouraged to bring their own jalapeños and a total lack of empathy to ensure the "Coke-tails" taste exactly like corporate greed.