As Tehran erupts in flames, the Singapore government has urgently reminded citizens that the primary victim of the Middle East conflict is the “rules-based international order,” a legal term for Singapore’s right to ignore global carnage so long as the shipping lanes stay open.

Local analysts are terrified that “binary thinking” will fracture the nation, mostly because Sinkies cannot decide if the war is a tragedy or just a convenient excuse for Grab to implement a “Geopolitical Instability Surcharge.”

“Eh, why they must bomb now?” complained one disgruntled office worker.

“My viral skincare parcel from overseas is stuck at customs because of some missile. So leh chey, Iran should have checked the Shopee calendar first before attacking lah!”

Authorities warned that failing to “read the room” during a world war is a serious offence, punishable by forced participation in a government podcast.