Trump arrived in Beijing flanked by Tim Cook and Elon Musk, looking like a pimp ready to pawn Taiwan for a lifetime supply of cheap electronics.

He told reporters that his "erotic chemistry" with President Xi would prevent an invasion, mostly because Xi is apparently a "great guy" who appreciates a good deal.

The White House confirmed that international treaties are just "vibe-killers" that shouldn't get in the way of three billionaires and a dictator having a grand time.

"Xi knows I don't want a war, and I know he wants a shiny new island, so we're just talking business," Trump said while Musk calculated the scrap metal value of Taipei.

Anxious Singaporeans have begun hoarding canned goods, fearing that if the bromance gets too hot, Trump might trade Jurong Island for a golden golf club.

If negotiations go well, Taiwan will be rebranded as "The iLand Pro Max" by next Tuesday.