The Straits Times has effectively signaled that world peace is a terrible financial decision unless it comes with a 15% discount code for Dyson products.

After publishing a thinkpiece questioning the value of ending the Iran conflict, local analysts confirmed that a ceasefire is essentially a "market failure" for Singaporeans who enjoy high-volatility trading and cheap crude oil.

"If we aren't getting a free tote bag or at least a Shopee coins cashback, then what is the point of a treaty?" asked one local auntie, visibly upset that the news wasn't hidden behind a more expensive paywall.

SPH Media representatives suggested that while preventing a nuclear holocaust is "statistically okay," it remains secondary to the affiliate revenue generated by the "Mini Multi Cooker" ads placed directly beneath headlines about mass casualties.

Authorities are now investigating if a full-scale invasion would have yielded better credit card rewards points for the average consumer.