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Singapore Government Hikes MediShield Premiums To Ensure Sinkies Never Retire

The Ministry of Health has announced a mandatory premium hike for MediShield Life, ensuring every citizen remains a dedicated philanthropist for the n...

Singaporean Female Demands Audited Financial Statements Before First Tinder Coffee Date

In a move hailed by national efficiency experts, 27-year-old Cheryl Tan has updated her Hinge profile to include a mandatory KYC link. The Singaporea...

PA Ballroom Dancing Declared Singapore’s Deadliest High-Risk Contact Sport

The People's Association has officially reclassified Community Club ballroom dancing as a Category 1 combat sport following a spike in glitter-related...

HDB Extends MOP To Lifetime To Ensure Sinkies Never Escape

The Housing Development Board has officially announced that the Minimum Occupation Period will be extended to 99 years to ensure no citizen ever exper...

Mandai Pandas Demand 7-Figure Bonus To Consider Mediocre Sex

Mandai Wildlife Group has threatened to evict Kai Kai and Jia Jia after the pair requested a "High-SES" lifestyle upgrade before touching each other. ...

Singaporean Pays $200 To Perform Unpaid Labour Over Boiling Vat

Singaporeans are flocking to hotpot chains to pay premium prices for the privilege of performing manual kitchen labour. The trend involves waiting th...

LTA Rebrands 4 PM Shift Change As ‘National Cardio Hour’

The Land Transport Authority has officially rebranded the 4 PM taxi shift change as a mandatory "National Cardio Hour" for stranded citizens. The glo...

Local CEO Becomes Total Fucking Moron Minutes After Putting On No. 4

The Singapore Armed Forces has once again successfully transformed thousands of high-functioning professionals into absolute, mouth-breathing liabilit...

SG Couple Spends $6,000 on Japan Trip Just to Bone

An SG couple has returned from a $6,000 Tokyo "sex-cation" intended to provide a reprieve from their parents' suffocating presence. While the trip wa...

Night Safari Hyena Only Wakes Up To Mock Tourists' Marriages

Mandai Wildlife Reserve has confirmed that its spotted hyenas have officially stopped pretending to enjoy raw meat and have pivoted to mocking the int...

Local Man Pays $22 To Eat Trash In Air-Conditioned Misery

Singapore’s premier shopping malls have successfully convinced the public that paying $19 for a bowl of lukewarm grease is a luxury lifestyle choice. ...

LTA Installs Proximity-Based Landmines Under All Reserved MRT Seats

The Land Transport Authority has unveiled a foolproof method to ensure commuters surrender seats to the elderly. All reserved seats will be fitted wi...

SAF Cookhouse Food Officially Reclassified As A Fucking War Crime

MINDEF has today confirmed that the grey, pulsating mass served at the Pulau Tekong cookhouse is not actually food, but a sentient life-form designed ...

Singapore Mother-In-Law Installs Bedroom CCTV To Critique Son-In-Law’s Performance

A local matriarch has taken the concept of "filial piety" to a new, voyeuristic level. Mdm Tan insisted that her son-in-law's bedroom stamina is a "f...

Government To Tax Mahjong Sessions Based On Tile-Slamming Intensity

The Ministry of Home Affairs has officially classified the sound of shuffling Mahjong tiles as a weapon of mass distraction. Authorities claim the rh...

GV Gold Class Now Charges $1,000 To Snore Near Richer People

Golden Village has unveiled its new ‘Absolute Vegetative State’ tier for patrons who find standard recliners too intellectually stimulating. For the ...

Singaporean Man’s Entire Financial Future Hinges On A Coffin Number

The Ministry of Finance has officially endorsed "Hoping for the Best" as the nation’s primary fiscal strategy for the upcoming year. Thousands of loc...

Elite Parents Demand Segregated Oxygen After Streaming Abolished

The Ministry of Education has officially scrapped streaming, effectively forcing Singapore’s future CEOs to acknowledge the presence of children who e...

Singaporean Woman’s Face Permanently Stuck In ‘Judgmental Auntie’ Pose After JB Botox

Local woman Cheryl Tan has achieved the ultimate Singaporean dream: a face as immobile as the traffic on the Causeway. After a RM150 "Premium Mystery...

Singapore MCST Authorises Lethal Force Against Misaligned Potted Plants

The Management Corporation at ‘The Prestigious Elite Gardens’ has officially escalated its dispute resolution protocol by introducing a "zero-toleranc...

Mandai Zoo To Charge Animals Rent For Prime District Real-Estate

The Mandai Wildlife Reserve has officially implemented a new "Tenant Management System" requiring all resident animals to pay monthly rental fees. Ma...

LTA Declares Pedestrians Legally Recognised Speed Bumps For Delivery Riders

The Land Transport Authority has officially reclassified food delivery riders as "Emergency Response Units" with full legal immunity to mow down anyon...

Sentosa Monorail Rebranded As ‘High-Speed’ 400-Metre Limbo For Overpriced Fun

The Sentosa Express has officially been upgraded from a "pointless toy train" to a "pinnacle of national engineering efficiency." Officials claim the...

MINDEF Declares Heatstroke "Skill Issue," Mandates Permanent Rectal Thermometers For Recruits

The Singapore Armed Forces has officially declared the sun a "hostile insurgent" and ordered all recruits to engage in a tactical staring contest with...

SG Men Petition To Use SkillsFuture Credits For Blowjob Workshops

The Ministry of Manpower has finally addressed the national productivity slump by introducing a "Deep Throat Proficiency" certification. Officials cl...

Pickleball Court Replaces Sex as Singapore’s Most Contested Resource

The Singapore government has officially designated the local pickleball court as the only venue where citizens can legally suffer a cardiac event whil...

Sinkie Celebrates Financial Freedom After Fixed Deposit Earns One Siew Mai

Local visionary Lim Teck Huat has officially declared himself a member of the elite "high-net-worth" bracket after his twelve-month fixed deposit fina...

Tuition Franchise Replaces Playgrounds With 24-Hour Academic Extraction Pods

Singapore’s latest tuition franchise, 'Distinction-Or-Death,' has officially replaced all remaining community playgrounds with high-yield academic ext...

Singaporean Women Offer 30% Discount On Nagging To Compete With PRC Imports

In a desperate bid to remain relevant in a marriage market flooded by more "efficient" models from Vietnam and the PRC, local girls have announced a d...

Wealthy Sinkies Pay $50M Sky-Pool To Avoid Smelling Poor People

Singapore’s property market has reached a new peak of lunacy as developers market "sky-villas" featuring pools smaller than a commoner's toilet. Thes...

MacRitchie Macaques Officially Classified As Singapore’s New Ruling Elite

The National Parks Board has officially conceded defeat, granting MacRitchie’s long-tailed macaques sovereign immunity and the legal right to mug any ...

Man Survives Third-Degree Burns Just To Chope Plastic Table

Singaporean citizens are reportedly upgrading their survival skills by braving 50-degree humidity and feral pigeons just to eat lukewarm laksa. The N...

LTA Rebrands Remote Bus Interchanges As 'Voluntary Missing Persons Zones'

The Land Transport Authority has officially rebranded its most isolated bus interchanges as "Voluntary Missing Persons Zones" for citizens tired of be...

Local Infantry Fuckwit Compares 24km Route March To Literal Trench Warfare

Corporal Tan, a man whose only real brush with death involved a jammed SAR21, recently informed his friends that his 24km route march was statisticall...

SG Couple Discovers Mutual Loathing During Three-Day Bali Getaway

A local couple has successfully expedited their inevitable separation by booking a romantic weekend in Bali. What was meant to be a passionate tryst ...

Local Uncle’s Pecs Declared More Structurally Sound Than HDB Flat

The Ministry of National Development has officially declared that the pectorals of 74-year-old Tan Ah Kow are now more structurally sound than the HDB...

Singapore Bosses Demand 100% CPF To Save Sinkies From Cash

Singaporean bosses have petitioned the Ministry of Manpower to raise employer CPF contributions to 100%, effectively liberating employees from the bur...

MOE Admits ‘Every School Is A Good School’ Was A Prank

The Ministry of Education confirmed the slogan “Every School is a Good School” was an elaborate prank to test national gullibility. Ministerial sourc...

Singaporean Girl Demands Medal Of Valor For Dumping NS Boyfriend Before POP

The Ministry of Defence has received a formal petition from a local woman demanding the Star of Temasek for her bravery in dumping her boyfriend durin...

HDB Now Offering Euthanasia To Cure Singapore First-Timer Anxiety

The Housing Development Board (HDB) has unveiled its most proactive mental health initiative yet: the "Peaceful Sleep" package for young couples weepi...

NEA Promotes Void Deck Pigeons To Senior Grassroots Surveillance Officers

The National Environment Agency has officially promoted the nation’s 4.5 million void deck pigeons to the rank of Senior Surveillance Officers. Clad ...

LTA Mandates Megaphones For Commuters Already Using Max Volume Speakerphone

The Land Transport Authority has announced a new initiative to install industrial-grade amplifiers on all MRT trains to ensure no domestic dispute goe...

CEO Sobs Like Total Pussy After SAF100 Hits Corporate Email Inbox

The Ministry of Defence has successfully triggered a nationwide spike in male hypertension by blasting out the latest batch of SAF100 call-up notices....

Singaporean Couples Trade Actual Sex For Overpriced Pottery Workshops

In a desperate bid to mask crumbling intimacy, Singaporean couples pay $150 to touch moist clay instead of each other. Aesthetic craft workshops allo...

Government Unveils 30-Year Mortgage Plan For Two-Meat-One-Veg Cai Fan

The Monetary Authority of Singapore has officially reclassified "Economic Rice" as a high-yield luxury asset class after prices surpassed the national...

Singapore Declares Abandoned Bike Piles Official UNESCO Heritage Sites

In a masterstroke of administrative gaslighting, the Land Transport Authority has officially designated the island’s towering mounds of mangled shared...

Armskote Storeman Rejects Fossilised Recruit’s Rifle for Having ‘Too Much Carbon’

In a breakthrough for biological science, Private Tan has officially become the first human to undergo complete petrification while waiting to return ...

Sinkie Husband Scrubs Toilet; Wife Considers Unprotected Sex

In a shocking departure from standard Singaporean marital negligence, local resident Kelvin Tan has achieved a legendary erotic milestone by voluntari...

Rich Locals Pay $90 To Be Drawn And Quartered Weekly

Singaporeans are currently flocking to "wellness boutiques" to pay exorbitant fees for the privilege of being strapped into medieval-style torture dev...

Overachieving Sinkie Works Eight Jobs to Finally Afford Survival

A local man has been hailed as a national hero after successfully securing his eighth concurrent full-time position to combat the rising cost of livin...

Singaporean Female Hospitalised After Expat Wife Claims Her Maid Is 'Basically Family'

The delicate socio-economic ecosystem of Dempsey Hill has collapsed following a brutal verbal skirmish between a local Singaporean female and a nomadi...

Desperate Sinkie Pays $4,000 Deposit For Flat That Doesn’t Exist

The Singapore property market has achieved peak efficiency as Facebook scammers now bypass the physical construction phase entirely to save time. Loc...

Mandai Orangutan Demands Cash Instead of Ice Cake for Birthday

Mandai Wildlife Reserve has announced that its resident orangutan, Ah Meng Jr., is refusing to touch his frozen fruit birthday cake. The zoo manageme...

New Hawker Academy Degrees Require Mandatory Heatstroke to Graduate

The Ministry of Sustainability has launched an elite hawker training academy featuring a high-intensity "Wok Combat" syllabus. Students must endure t...

LTA Mandates PMD Riders Install GPS-Tracked Electric Shock Collars

The Land Transport Authority (LTA) has announced that all PMD owners must now undergo mandatory DNA swabbing and psychiatric evaluation before receivi...

MINDEF Repels Invasion by Ensuring Every Recruit’s ET-Blade Is Perfectly Parallel

The Singapore Armed Forces has officially declared itself the world’s most lethal fighting force after a 48-hour Force Preparation exercise involving ...

SG Sinkies Reveal Filthy Sex Secrets For Free Parking Vouchers

A high-stakes house party in Tanjong Pagar descended into a moral wasteland last night as guests traded their darkest sexual secrets for complimentary...

Singaporeans Inhale Jet Fuel To Hallucinate Life Outside Cubicles

Thousands of Singaporeans have swarmed Changi Beach to participate in the nation’s most thrilling low-budget sport: inhaling carcinogenic fumes while ...

Sinkie Lists Toddler on SGX to Fund Monthly Childcare Fees

Singaporean parents are reportedly pivoting to high-frequency trading of their offspring to keep up with the soaring costs of premium childcare. With...

Singaporean Woman Successfully Chopes Entire Hawker Centre Using One Extra-Long Pad

Singaporean women have officially escalated the nation's "chope" culture by replacing flimsy tissue packets with industrial-grade sanitary napkins to ...

Sinkie Lives In Rubbish Chute To Maximise ‘Wealth Vortex’

Singaporeans are now upgrading their property portfolios by literal down-cycling, following a breakthrough audit by Grandmaster Huat. The audit, whic...

HDB Corridor Cats Legally Declared Real Landlords Of Your Flat

The Housing Development Board has officially announced that the ginger cat sleeping on your shoe rack is now your legal landlord. Recent legislation ...

Tourist Shocked Michelin Star Hawker Stall Doesn't Serve Champagne

A pale British tourist was reportedly "shook" after discovering that Singaporean street food is actually consumed in a humid concrete bunker. Clarenc...

Ubin Bumboats Officially Rebranded as ‘Floating Tetanus’ Experience

The Maritime and Port Authority has officially designated Pulau Ubin bumboats as Singapore’s premier "Floating Tetanus and Carbon Monoxide Experience....

Local 3rd Sergeant Convinced Three Stripes Make Him A Supreme Fucking Overlord

In a stunning display of biological evolution, 3rd Sergeant (3SG) Tan has officially transitioned from a jobless polytechnic graduate into a supreme i...

Sinkie Women Only Reach Climax During Coldplay Piano Solos

Singaporean women have officially declared that a VIP standing pen ticket is more sexually arousing than their long-term partners. A recent study sug...

MAN EXECUTED FOR FAILING PUB TRIVIA’S ‘MRT STATIONS’ ROUND

The Singapore government has officially decreed that "lepak" is no excuse for being a useless sack of uneducated meat. Pub trivia nights have been re...

Singaporean Man Grateful 'Pig-Butchering' Scam Provided Only Social Life

Aloysius Tan, a middle-manager with the charisma of a wet floor sign, recently celebrated losing his entire life savings to a "pig-butchering" syndica...

MOE Reclassifies Burnt-Out GEP Students As Hazardous Bio-Waste

The Ministry of Education has officially classified all Primary 4 Gifted Education Programme students suffering from total cognitive meltdown as hazar...

Singaporean Woman Undergoes Invasive Brain Surgery To Attend Parties She Wasn't Invited To

In a medical breakthrough for the terminally insecure, local socialite Cheryl Tan has successfully undergone a high-risk neuro-lobotomy to cure her de...

Singapore To Reclaim Entire Ocean To Ensure All Units Waterfront

The Urban Redevelopment Authority has officially announced that the "Long Island" project will continue until the ocean is merely a historical myth. ...

NParks Stocks Cloud Forest Pond With Piranhas To Cull Influencers

The National Parks Board has unveiled its latest conservation initiative: releasing Amazonian piranhas into the Cloud Forest’s cooling ponds. The mov...

New SG Dating App Filter Lets Users Sort By CPF Balance

Singaporeans have officially evolved into digital cattle according to a recent study by the National Desperation Board. The local dating scene on Bum...

Universal Studios Rebrands Heatstroke As Premium $120 Lepak Experience

Universal Studios Singapore has officially unveiled its most popular attraction: standing perfectly still under a 40-degree sun while slowly dehydrati...

Singaporean Man Sells Organs to Jerome Powell for SORA Discount

The Monetary Authority of Singapore has officially replaced the national anthem with a 24-hour livestream of Jerome Powell’s breathing patterns. Loca...

MOE Replaces P1 Balloting With Mandatory Gladiatorial Parent Combat

The Ministry of Education has officially replaced the Primary 1 balloting system with a mandatory televised hunger-strike for parents. Officials stat...

Singaporean Woman Finally Reaches Goal Weight By Evaporating Into Thin Air

Local marketing associate Cheryl Lim has finally achieved the pinnacle of Singaporean feminine beauty by successfully vanishing from the physical plan...

Singapore Singles Legally Become Adults Only Upon Turning 35

The Ministry of National Development has confirmed that Singaporean singles remain legally classified as "oversized toddlers" until their 35th birthda...

MacRitchie Macaques Promoted to NEA Officers to Enforce Plastic Bans

NParks has officially outsourced park security to the MacRitchie long-tailed macaques to ensure hikers maintain a strictly "no-snack" lifestyle. The ...

Hotel Replaces Shark Fin Soup With Guests’ Actual Bank Statements

Singaporean wedding banquets have finally evolved into the high-stakes financial extortion rackets they were always meant to be. Luxury hotels are no...

LTA Rebrands Circle Line Delays As ‘Mandatory Character Building Exercises’

LTA has officially confirmed that the recent spate of mysterious Circle Line delays is actually a mandatory "resilience test" designed to crush the hu...

SAF Medical Officer Awards Best Actor Oscar To Recruit Faking Spinal Disintegration

Recruit Lim has officially secured a PES C status after delivering a performance that would make Daniel Day-Lewis look like a talentless hack. The 19...

SG Man Demands Sexual Favour Rebate After Splitting Truffle Fries

A local man has achieved peak fiscal efficiency by issuing a detailed 40-page invoice to his Tinder match after she failed to provide "adequate ROI." ...

CC Ballroom Classes Revealed As Government-Funded Senior Citizen Orgies

The People’s Association has finally admitted that its $10 ballroom dancing classes are merely a government-sanctioned excuse for retirees to grope ea...

Sinkie Trades Entire Family Tree For Three Nvidia Call Options

Local man Lim Kopi has successfully transitioned from a functioning member of society to a vibrating husk of human flesh fueled entirely by the Nasdaq...

MOE Recycles Burnt-Out GEP Prodigies Into High-Efficiency Bio-Fuel

The Ministry of Education has unveiled a revolutionary initiative to process 11-year-olds who have reached their cognitive expiry date. These former ...

Singaporean Girl Successfully Transitions Into 100% Pure Calfskin Hermès Birkin

Local socialite Cheryl Tan has achieved the ultimate dream of every Singaporean female by legally changing her DNA to 24-karat gold and premium lambsk...

New Singapore Smart Home Automatically Reports Sinkie For Over-Sleeping

The Housing & Development Board has unveiled its latest "Total Surveillance" automation suite, ensuring no resident accidentally enjoys a moment of un...

Horny Otters Out-Breed Humans Despite Receiving Zero Government Grants

Singapore’s smooth-coated otters have officially entered mating season, proving that a diet of stolen koi is more aphrodisiac than any government-spon...

Government Mandates 45-Minute Cooldown For All Instagrammable Hawker Food

The Ministry of Aesthetics has officially criminalised the consumption of any hawker dish that has not been subjected to a rigorous 45-minute photosho...

LTA Authorises Public Stoning For Drivers Blocking Yellow Box Junctions

The Land Transport Authority announced today that any driver caught stationary in a yellow box junction will be legally declared a "national disgrace"...

Local Auntie Hospitalised After Orgasm From Reporting Unzipped NSF to STOMP

The Ministry of Defence has unveiled its latest urban combat training: surviving the predatory, soul-crushing gaze of a 60-year-old auntie on the Nort...

Singapore Singles Turn Bachata Into High-Stakes Legal Dry-Humping Competition

In a city where physical contact is usually limited to MRT elbowing, Singaporeans are flocking to Bachata classes to simulate actual human intimacy. ...

Sad Man Pays $25 Hourly Rate To Be Ignored By Cat

In a desperate bid to feel something other than the crushing weight of his KPI-driven existence, local analyst Lim Kopi spent his entire lunch break b...

Singaporean Man Thrilled to Pay More Taxes Than Neighbor’s Salary

The Inland Revenue Authority of Singapore has officially introduced a new "Supreme Masochist" tax tier for citizens who find erotic pleasure in being ...

Tuition Centre Rebrands as ‘Academic Gulag’ to Guarantee Elite Results

The ‘Supreme Scholar Syndicate’ has launched a new branding campaign featuring high-definition photos of weeping toddlers who failed to grasp advanced...

Singaporean Woman Declares War On Expat Wife Over Last Organic Avocado

The Great Cold Storage Skirmish of 2024 erupted when a local Singaporean woman and an expat wife engaged in a high-stakes standoff over the final orga...

Sinkie Successfully Retires Inside Living Room Wall of Resale Flat

The Ministry of Manpower has unveiled a revolutionary retirement strategy allowing Singaporeans to physically merge with their concrete assets. With ...

Mandai Deports Panda Cub For Failing To Meet GDP Targets

Mandai Wildlife Reserve has officially deported Le Le the panda cub after he failed to meet Singapore’s rigorous Foreign Talent productivity quotas. ...

Local Man Convinced $42 Sour Ale Doesn't Taste Like Battery Acid

Singapore’s elite hipsters are now queuing for the privilege of paying $42 for a drink that smells like a wet Golden Retriever. Timothy Tan spent his...

Sausage-Cased Men Mistake Nicoll Highway For Tour De France

Singapore’s roads are currently besieged by a migratory flock of middle-aged men encased in aerodynamic sausage skins. These weekend warriors spend $...

MINDEF Mandates 2 PM Sunday Book-In To Prevent Recruits From Feeling Human

The Ministry of Defence has announced that Sunday book-in times will be moved to 1400 hours to ensure recruits have zero time to contemplate their mis...

Sinkie Couple Finds Shared Bathroom Kills All Sexual Desire

Moving in together in Singapore is less of a romantic milestone and more of a tactical descent into psychological warfare. One local couple recently ...

UN Recognises Tiger Beer Aunties As Singapore’s Primary Mental Health Support

In a landmark move, the United Nations has designated the local coffee shop beer lady as a "Critical Guardian of National Sanity." These fluorescent-...

Celebrity Maths Tutor Demands 10% Royalties On Students’ Future Salaries

Singapore’s premier academic superstar, Dr. Titus Tan, has announced he will henceforth only accept blood oaths and high-yield equity. The Physics ic...

Singaporean Woman Declares State Of Emergency After Boyfriend Teases Her Forehead

In a move that has plunged the central business district into a state of high-alert lockdown, local woman Cheryl Tan has invoked the full might of the...

Singapore Billionaire Buys GCB To Escape The HDB Peasant Smell

Local tech mogul Tan Ah Huat has shattered records by purchasing a $150 million Good Class Bungalow in Nassim Road solely to store his collection of s...

Mandai Pandas Refuse Sexual Intercourse Without Guaranteed Permanent Residency

Kai Kai and Jia Jia, Singapore’s most expensive unproductive expats, have announced a total strike on all romantic activities. Despite living in a cl...

Hawker Claims Canned Beans and White Bread is “Authentic French”

A local hawker stall has achieved peak culinary delusion by branding its $7.50 chicken chop as "high-end Continental fusion." The dish features a sla...

Taxi Uncle Keeps Mask On To Hide Constant Silent Judging

Singapore’s taxi drivers have reached a consensus to keep their surgical masks on permanently to facilitate more effective silent judging of passenger...

SInkie Man Claims Bird-Infested Kopitiam Is Ultimate Erotic Testing Ground

Singaporean bachelor Jason Lim has revolutionised the mating scene by declaring that the most potent aphrodisiac is the stench of a Toa Payoh coffee s...

GV Gold Class Launches $5,000 ‘Comatose’ Suite For Total Laziness

Golden Village has unveiled its "Obsidian Diamond" tier, catering to Singaporeans who find the effort of sitting upright physically repulsive. For th...

MAS Mandates Full Financial Paralysis To Keep Every Sinkie Safe

The Monetary Authority of Singapore has unveiled its most aggressive consumer protection policy yet: a total ban on citizens touching their own cash. ...

Singaporean Mother Thrilled Son’s Mental Breakdown Fits Tuition Schedule

The Ministry of Education has commended the Tan family after their six-year-old son successfully suppressed his entire personality to make room for Ad...

Singaporean Woman Successfully Replaces Entire Personality With 24-Karat Gold Chanel Hardware

Singaporean socialite Jolene Seah has made medical history by becoming the first local female to successfully swap her soul for a limited-edition quil...

Sinkie Auntie Single-handedly Crashes Property Prices With Communal Cat Buffets

A local Singaporean woman has achieved what government cooling measures could not by plummeting her estate's valuation through strategic feline congre...

Unfit Hikers Succumb To Altitude Sickness At 163-Metre Peak

The National Parks Board has officially designated Bukit Timah Nature Reserve as a "Death Zone" following a spate of oxygen deprivation incidents at i...

Ministry Rebrands 'Sucking on a Pebble' as $2 Budget Meal

The government’s new budget meal initiative has achieved peak efficiency by removing the burden of actual nutrition from the working class. One Toa P...

SMRT to Fold Commuters to Make Room for $8,000 Bromptons

SMRT has announced a revolutionary spatial efficiency policy requiring all non-cycling commuters to undergo spinal compression to accommodate more fol...

MINDEF Claims Guarding Empty Carpark at 3AM Prevents Total Societal Collapse

The Ministry of Defence has officially rebranded the 2 AM prowler shift as a "premium mindfulness retreat" for recruits who enjoy talking to monsoon d...

Singaporean Socialites Horrified As Party Secret Reveals Functional Libido

A lavish housewarming party in Ardmore Park descended into total chaos last night when a local influencer accidentally admitted she enjoys physical in...

Local Man Survives Flat Rail Corridor, Demands National Bravery Medal

Thousands of Singaporeans are currently flocking to the Rail Corridor to pretend they aren’t dying of boredom. Outfitted in $400 compression gear for...

Singaporean Man Retires Early On $0.42 Quarterly REIT Dividend

A local investor has declared himself a member of the ultra-wealthy elite after receiving a life-altering windfall from his REIT portfolio. Lim Kiat,...

Parents Pay Thousands To Tape Toddlers' Eyelids For Speed Reading

The Ministry of Education has endorsed a new "Hypersonic Visual Assimilation" course that guarantees students can digest the entire PSLE syllabus in u...

Singaporean Woman Successfully Evolves Into High-Performance Lululemon-Clad Excel Spreadsheet

A local 28-year-old female has officially achieved the corporate dream by physically merging with her ergonomic office chair. Cheryl Tan, a Senior As...

Singapore To Replace National Day Flags With Crusty HDB Underwear

The government has officially announced that traditional national flags will be replaced by grey, elastic-less briefs to better reflect the heartland'...

Macaques Declare Bukit Timah Independent State, Impose Mandatory Snack Tax

The National Parks Board has officially surrendered Bukit Timah to a coalition of macaques armed with stolen trekking poles. Intelligence suggests th...

Government Rebrands Sweat-Drenched Kopitiams As "Extreme Survivalist Luxury Spas"

The Singapore government has officially designated all neighbourhood kopitiams as "Extreme Survivalist Luxury Spas" to justify the soaring prices of l...

LTA Rebrands Peak Hour MRT Crush as 'Mandatory National Orgy'

The Land Transport Authority has officially declared that any distance greater than 0.5 millimetres between commuters is a criminal waste of public in...

19-Year-Old Power-Tripping 3SG Demands Recruits Address His Stripes As 'Your Majesty'

A local 19-year-old Specialist has officially reached peak god-complex after sewing two pieces of silver fabric onto his sweaty sleeves. Third Sergea...

SG Couples Mandate 15-Minute Orgasm Slots In Shared Google Calendar

Singaporean couples have officially transitioned from romance to high-performance logistics management. New data suggests 98% of relationships now re...

Singaporeans Pay $600 To Roleplay Homelessness For Social Media Likes

Tourism boards have officially endorsed East Coast Park glamping as the nation’s premier way to pay $600 for a yeast infection. Clueless couples are ...

Singaporean Genius Invests Life Savings In Revolutionary 'Invisible Gold' Scheme

Local man Tan Ah Kow has achieved financial enlightenment after transferring his entire life savings to a WhatsApp stranger promising 8,000% returns o...

MOE Requires Michelin Star For New $1.50 Canteen Stall

The Ministry of Education has announced updated bidding requirements for school canteen stalls, ensuring that only the most desperate culinary geniuse...

Singaporean Woman Sues Fiancé After Proposal Fails To Trigger National Emergency

Singapore’s legal system is braced for impact as local woman, Cheryl Tan, sues her fiancé for "gross negligence" after his proposal failed to make the...

Sinkie Claims 4,000 Rotting Newspapers Are ‘Strategic Asset Diversification’

In a move that has baffled the Singapore Civil Defence Force, local resident Tan Ah Kow has successfully converted his four-room flat into a vertical ...

NParks Classifies Tai Chi Groups As Apex Predators In Parks

Singapore’s National Parks Board has officially classified dawn-dwelling Tai Chi practitioners as the island’s most dangerous invasive species. Park ...

Michelin Guide Awards Star To Auntie’s Legendary Bad Attitude

The Michelin Guide has reached peak absurdity by awarding a star to a stall where the secret ingredient is pure, unadulterated hatred. Inspectors rep...

LTA Confirms Pedestrian Buttons Only Exist to Mock Impatient Plebeians

The Land Transport Authority has officially confirmed that the "Press for Green" button is a placebo wired directly to a laughter generator in their h...

SAF Unit Declared Combat-Ready After Cleaning Same Toilet 4,000 Consecutive Times

The Singapore Armed Forces has officially declared the 69th Battalion of the 'Sabo King' Regiment as elite combat-ready after the men spent three stra...

Local Man Trades Vital Organs For $38 Bowl Of Pork-Sweat

A local man has reached peak "foodie" status by queuing six hours in 34-degree heat for a bowl of ramen that tastes like a salt-licked armpit. "Wah l...

SMRT Replaces Engineering Department With World-Class Professional Apologisers

SMRT has officially pivoted from transport to a full-time grovelling academy, proving that scripted words are significantly cheaper than replacing 40-...

Local Fuckwit Trades Two Years Of Youth For Tacky Plastic Plaque

A local corporal has successfully completed his national duty by accepting a piece of cheap acrylic that costs significantly less than a decent laksa....

New SG Law: Instagram Stalking Mandatory Before Touching Privates

The Singapore government has replaced the traditional first date with a mandatory 72-hour deep-dive into a partner’s digital trash. The new "Stalk-To...

Universal Studios Rebrands As World’s Most Expensive Public Bench

Universal Studios Singapore has officially pivoted from a theme park to a "high-velocity lepak sanctuary" for citizens with more money than sense. Ma...

Singaporean Parents List Unproductive Son as Non-Performing Asset

Local couple Tan Ah Teck and Bee Lan have officially downgraded their eldest son, Jason, from "Successor" to "Liability" after his monthly allowance c...

New App Connects Elite Tutors Directly To Fetus In Utero

Singaporean start-up ‘KiasuCloud’ has launched a revolutionary online platform that bypasses the classroom by streaming intensive Maths drills directl...

Singaporean Woman Replaces Entire Personality With Expensive Abalone For Reunion Dinner

A local 28-year-old female has achieved a spiritual breakthrough by transforming her entire physical form into a high-pressure vacuum for premium shel...

Sinkie Couple Finally Gets BTO Ballot Success In Afterlife

The Housing Development Board has unveiled its "Eternal Patience" scheme, ensuring young couples only secure housing once they qualify for a state-spo...

LTA Declares Road-Crossing Otters Legally Superior To Human Commuters

Singapore has officially reclassified river otters as 'Sovereign Diplomats,' granting the semi-aquatic pests legal authority to paralyse peak-hour tra...

Local Recruit Prefers DB Solitary Confinement Over Encik’s Dog-Water Personality

The Singapore Armed Forces is reportedly reconsidering its disciplinary measures after a local recruit described his stint in solitary confinement as ...

SG Government Mandates Zip Ties For Bondage To Ensure Efficiency

Singaporean couples are ditching traditional silk scarves for industrial-grade cable ties to spice up their sex lives. The local kink community claim...

Singaporean Sells Both Lungs To Afford COE For 2012 Toyota

The Land Transport Authority has unveiled a revolutionary "Body-for-Certificate" scheme to help the average Singaporean manage the skyrocketing costs ...

MOE To Introduce Mandatory Prenatal Calculus For Five-Month Foetuses

The Ministry of Education has announced that the academic arms race will now officially begin at conception to ensure national survival. Starting nex...

Singaporean Woman Successfully Achieves Goal Weight By Removing All Internal Organs

Local socialite Cheryl Tan has finally reached her target weight of 32kg after a revolutionary surgical procedure to completely hollow out her torso. ...

Sinkie Singles Under 35 Legally Defined As Toddlers By HDB

The Housing Development Board has reaffirmed that Singaporean singles under 35 remain physiologically incapable of operating a front-door key. Author...

NParks Declares Drunken National Day Revelers Singapore’s Deadliest Pest

National Parks Board (NParks) has officially designated the "Red-Clad Lager-Breasted Patriot" as Singapore’s most aggressive invasive species followin...

Local Hawker Sentenced to Death for Not Adding Mentaiko Mayo

The Singapore Food Agency has officially banned "traditional" food, declaring any dish without a K-pop-inspired fermented cabbage garnish a threat to ...

Local Man Declared God-Emperor After Securing Front Seat of 190

The Land Transport Authority has officially granted sovereign immunity to any commuter who manages to snag the front-row seat on a double-decker bus. ...

SAF Confirms 24km Route March Effectively Turns Recruits’ Balls Into Bloody Sandpaper

The Singapore Armed Forces has hailed the 24km route march as a triumph of logistics, despite it being a glorified trek to nowhere designed to liquefy...

SG Men Only Orgasming For Partners With Platinum Insurance

The Ministry of Health has launched 'Love-Care,' a scheme incentivising couples to exchange bodily fluids only after presenting a valid Integrated Shi...

Government Reclassifies Singapore Pools Queues As "Productive National Leisure"

The Ministry of Finance has officially declared standing in a 400-metre line for Toto as the nation’s premier form of spiritual relaxation. Citizens ...

Singapore Couple Sues Guest for $120 Underpayment of Wedding Ang Bao

In a landmark victory for fiscal responsibility, a local couple has successfully sued a secondary school acquaintance for "market rate negligence" fol...

MOE Sex Ed Replaced By 40-Minute Seminar On Avoiding Eye-Contact

The Ministry of Education has unveiled its updated sexuality syllabus, which officially classifies the act of procreation as a purely administrative t...

Singaporean Women Colonise Clarke Quay To Exchange Solemn Vows With Vodka

The Singaporean government has officially reclassified Friday nights as a state of emergency for the nation’s collective liver health. Thousands of l...

Sinkies Engage In Bloodsport To Book 4-Hour Grease Puddle

The Singapore Land Authority has officially classified the midnight BBQ pit booking process as a sanctioned national combat sport. Thousands of Sinki...

Mandai Snipers Authorized To Neutralise Interns In Shitty Lion Suits

Mandai Wildlife Reserve has upgraded its safety protocols to include lethal force against any staff member wearing a polyester animal costume. During...

Singaporean Man Dies Chasing 400% ROI At Seafood Buffet

The Great Singaporean Buffet remains the only place on earth where civilised adults will trample an elderly relative for a slightly lukewarm lobster c...

LTA Grants Pelotons Sovereign Nation Status Over Nicoll Highway

The Land Transport Authority has officially designated all road cyclists as "Untouchable Gods" who are exempt from the laws of physics and common dece...

Lazy SAF Driver Awarded Medal For Sleeping Through Entire Battalion Exercise

The Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) has unveiled a new ‘Distinguished Slacker Medal’ to honour the unparalleled lethargy of the Transport formation. Cor...

Singaporeans Revert To Primal Savagery Over Pungent Yellow Slop

As the pungent aroma of rotting gym socks blankets the island, Singaporeans have officially suspended all civilized behaviour to hunt for the perfect ...

Local Man Sacrifices Entire Personality To Worship F***ing ORD Countdown App

In a display of absolute mental disintegration, Recruit Lim Ah Kow has successfully outsourced his entire consciousness to a mobile application that t...

SG Couples Mistake Freezing Cinema Air-Con For Sexual Tension

Dating in Singapore has reached peak efficiency as couples flock to cinemas to escape their parents’ prying eyes in cramped flats. Local cinema chain...

MBS to Charge ‘Visual Consumption Tax’ for Peasants Staring at Luxury

Marina Bay Sands has announced a mandatory "Gawk-and-Go" surcharge for visitors whose bank balances don't match the price tags of the window displays ...

Singapore Bosses Rebranded as ‘Philanthropists’ for Mandatory CPF Contributions

The Singapore government has officially declared all SME owners "National Heroes" for their tireless service in clicking the "Submit" button on the CP...

Singaporean Woman Declared National Hero After Spending $80,000 To Spite Ex

Local authorities have officially canonised 24-year-old Cheryl Lim as the patron saint of retail warfare after she successfully liquidated her former ...

Sinkie Landlords Charge $5,000 to Rent Ventilated Shoe Box

The Singapore property market has reached a new peak of efficiency as landlords now require tenants to undergo a medical exam to ensure their internal...

Lim Chu Kang Boars Promoted To Warrant Officer For Mauling Recruits

The wild boars of Lim Chu Kang have been officially integrated into the Singapore Armed Forces’ training syllabus as mobile, tusked drill sergeants. ...

ICA To Install Crematoriums For Drivers Stuck In Causeway Traffic

The Immigration and Checkpoints Authority has unveiled plans to install on-site crematoriums along the Causeway to handle commuters dying of old age i...

CEO Successfully Reverts Into Fucking Moron Two Weeks Before ICT Call-Up

Regional Director and supposed functional adult, Marcus Lim, has officially entered his pre-ICT "Vegetative State" three weeks before reporting to Sun...

SG Sinkie Caned After Failing GF’s 'What To Eat' Test

A local Singaporean man has been sentenced to public flogging after failing to provide an adequate response to the question "what do you want to eat?"...

Singaporean Pays $50 To Mentally Steam Every Aquarium Fish

The S.E.A. Aquarium has officially replaced national service as the most expensive place for Singaporeans to stand still and do absolutely nothing. T...

Local Man Spends $100k On MBA To Finally Master "Synergy"

After two years of intensive PowerPoint shuffling, local corporate slave Tan Ah Kow has finally achieved his dream of becoming a certified visionary. ...

Singaporean Woman Declared National Hero For Bypassing Husband’s Face ID While He Slept

Local housewife Janice Ng has been fast-tracked into the Internal Security Department after successfully bypassing her husband’s facial recognition so...

Sinkie Couple Pays $4M To Live In Top School's Closet

Property prices in Bukit Timah have hit a record high after a local couple purchased a repurposed broom closet for $4.2 million. The 12-square-foot l...

Stray Dogs Granted Ministerial Salaries For Doing Absolutely Nothing

The pack of stray dogs currently occupying the Tuas industrial estate has officially achieved a higher social standing than the average local degree h...

Local Lunatic Travels 40km For Wings He Could Buy Downstairs

A local man has been hailed as a pioneer of absolute stupidity after commuting from Tuas to Changi just to eat a lukewarm burger. While thousands of ...

LTA Rebrands Missing Wheelchair Ramps As 'High-Stakes Urban Parkour'

The Land Transport Authority has proudly launched the "Golden Age X-Games," transforming missing ramps into mandatory base-jumping points for the whee...

Local Encik’s Lungs Declared Biological Weapon After Scolding Recruits Into Oblivion

In a display of vocal prowess that would make a jet engine weep, Senior Warrant Officer Tan unleashed a verbal assault on a platoon of shivering recru...

Ministry To Deploy Aggressive Line-Dancing Aunties As Riot Control

The Ministry of Home Affairs has officially integrated neighbourhood "Zumba Aunties" into the nation’s frontline tactical response units. Armed with ...

Singapore Government To Tax Breathing To Curb Excessive Sinkie Longevity

The Singapore government has announced a progressive "Inhalation Levy" to ensure citizens stop wasting valuable oxygen better utilized by multinationa...

MOE Rebrands Sex Education As ‘Advanced Hand-Holding For GDP’

The Ministry of Education has officially updated the national curriculum to classify "sexual intercourse" as a fictional concept used by foreigners to...

Singaporean Woman Successfully Replaces Her Entire Personality With One Chanel Handbag

Local socialite Cheryl Lim has finally achieved peak efficiency by vacating her brain to make room for a limited-edition quilted lambskin accessory. ...

Local Fuckboy Learns $800 Streetwear Cannot Stop Encik From Fucking His Life

In a display of sheer tactical stupidity, eighteen-year-old Jason Lim arrived at Pulau Tekong today wearing a limited-edition Supreme hoodie, apparent...

Sinkie Casanova Names HDB Stairwell 14th Floor ‘Paris of Yishun’

A local romantic has officially designated the Level 14 HDB stairwell as the nation’s premier destination for high-stakes intimacy. Forget expensive ...

CBD Bankers Pay $100 To Inhale Carcinogenic Satay Exhaust

Singapore’s financial elite have discovered a revolutionary new way to unwind by sitting in a thick cloud of carbon monoxide. Every evening, thousand...

Sinkie's Trapped E-Wallet Cents Declared New Singapore National Reserve

The Monetary Authority of Singapore has officially reclassified the billions of "stray cents" rotting in dormant e-wallets as the nation’s primary fin...

Tutor Hourly Rate Now Surpasses Cost Of Open Heart Surgery

The hourly rate for a Primary 5 Science tutor has officially surpassed the operating costs of a Gulfstream private jet. Singaporean parents are now r...

Singaporean Women Granted State Licenses To Publicly Humiliate Their Daughters-In-Law

The Ministry of Home Affairs has officially designated the Singaporean Mother-In-Law as a Category 1 biological weapon. Under the new "Mother Knows B...

LTA Rebrands PCNs As High-Speed Death Traps For Pedestrians

The Land Transport Authority has officially designated the Park Connector Network as a high-stakes proving ground for amateur fighter pilots. Commute...

Anxious Sinkie Couple Ballots For Refurbished Bin Centre Near MRT

Local couple Lim Kopi and Tan Bo Jio have reached peak housing psychosis after their forty-fifth unsuccessful BTO application. The pair, who have spe...

NParks Rebrands Coney Island As Mandatory Survival Camp For Soft Citizens

The Singapore Government has officially designated Coney Island as a "consensual outdoor trauma centre" for citizens who find their air-conditioned li...

NEA to Fine Singaporeans Caught Finishing Their Entire Meal

Singapore has officially criminalised "plate-clearing" as a disgusting display of low-SES behaviour. To uphold our reputation as a global hub of exce...

MINDEF Deploys ‘Stand-In Boyfriends’ To Prevent Recruits Being Cuckolded During Field Camp

MINDEF has announced a new initiative to outsource boyfriend duties to civilian "Stand-In Partners" to prevent the annual drop in IPPT scores caused b...

Singapore Couples Find Joint Accounts More Arousing Than Actual Sex

Modern Singaporean couples are officially ditching physical intimacy for the raw, carnal thrill of a shared savings account. Experts claim that watch...

MacRitchie Bridge Retrofitted with Massage Chairs to Discourage Disgusting Productivity

The Ministry of Sustainability has announced that MacRitchie Reservoir’s bridge will be replaced with a 250-metre-long beanbag to facilitate maximum “...

Sinkie Guru Achieves Financial Freedom By Screaming At YouTube Users

A local financial visionary has achieved "financial freedom" by filming a clip in front of a rented Lamborghini he cannot afford to start. The guru, ...

Local Woman Enrols Left Ovary Into Elite Nursery Waiting List

A local woman has successfully secured a spot for her left ovary at a prestigious Bukit Timah nursery. Pre-school administrators confirmed the new "P...

Singaporean Women Demand Government Subsidies For Breasts Reaching Knee-Length Gravity Levels

The Ministry of National Development has officially reclassified the anatomy of Singaporean women over thirty as "low-rise developments" due to relent...

HDB MSCP Ramps Rebranded As Luxury Rim Destruction Machines

The Housing Development Board has proudly announced that its multi-storey car parks have achieved a 100% success rate in devaluing every vehicle in Si...

Sinkie Transforms Ceiling Seepage Into HDB Indoor Water Park

A Yishun resident has successfully monetised his unit’s chronic ceiling seepage by rebranding his living room as a premium eco-friendly rainforest ret...

Mandai Orangutan’s $15,000 Birthday Cake Mockingly Outperforms Your Salary

Mandai Wildlife Reserve has unveiled a $15,000 organic, sugar-free durian cake for a gibbon, despite the primate’s visible desire to hurl faeces at th...

MOM Authorises Lethal Force To Secure Tables At Amoy Street

The Ministry of Manpower has officially sanctioned the use of tactical bayonets and chemical warfare to secure seats at Amoy Street Food Centre. Unde...

SAF Upgrades "Staring At A F***ing Wall" To Specialized Combat Vocation

The Ministry of Defence has officially designated "Absolute F***ing Boredom" as a core combat skill after a Corporal successfully hallucinated a full ...

SG Couple Marks One-Month Anniversary With Mandatory Performance Review

Marcus and Jolene celebrated their one-month anniversary by hiring a private auditor to verify their sexual chemistry. The romantic evening at Marina...

Sentosa Influencer Suffers Herniated Disc From Sucking In Stomach

The Singapore Civil Defence Force was called to Tanjong Beach yesterday after a local woman’s ribcage fused permanently with her spine during a three-...

Sinkie Man Sells Soul for 99-Year Loan on Used Toyota

Singaporeans are hailing a new financial milestone as banks introduce car loans with repayment periods exceeding the average human lifespan. With COE...

MOE Replaces PSLE Scores With Child’s Estimated Future Tax Contribution

The Ministry of Education has streamlined the PSLE scoring system to reflect a student’s total projected worth to the national Gross Domestic Product....

Singaporean Women Successfully Replace Personalities With High-Intensity Stationary Bike Tantrums

Singaporean women have officially declared the island’s windowless basements as the new sovereign territory for cultish stationary cycling. Thousands...

LTA Forecast Predicts Causeway Traffic Will Outlast Your Bloodline

The Land Transport Authority has unveiled a revolutionary traffic model predicting that the upcoming long weekend jam will successfully outlive the av...

Singapore HDB Gardens Become New Combat Zones For Bloodthirsty Aunties

National Parks Board officials have confirmed that Singapore's community gardens are now officially designated as "unregulated combat zones" for senio...

Night Safari Feeds TikTok Influencers To Tigers To Save Money

The Mandai Wildlife Reserve has finally addressed the soaring cost of imported meat by transitioning its apex predators to a strictly "human-centric" ...

Singapore Lab Cultivates Edible Meat Slime From Stressed Intern DNA

The Singapore Food Agency has reached a new milestone in food security by approving a meat alternative that is technically not illegal to ingest. Sci...

SAF Replaces Rocket Artillery With Single Pissed-Off Warrant Officer’s Screaming

The Ministry of Defence has officially decommissioned its multi-million dollar HIMARS rocket launchers after realising a veteran Warrant Officer’s voc...

Sinkie Man Demands Anal After Buying Date $12 Fish Soup

Local logistics coordinator Marcus Lim has officially petitioned the Small Claims Tribunal for sexual restitution following a "casual" dinner in Amoy ...

Somerset Skaters Successfully Master The Art Of Looking Unemployed

The Ministry of Culture, Community and Youth has officially designated Somerset Skate Park as a high-security containment zone for people who think ov...

Singapore Millionaires Brawl Over Five-Dollar CDC Vouchers

The Singapore government has released a new batch of CDC vouchers, officially initiating the annual "Great Sinkie Scavenge" for digital handouts. Wit...

Tuition Centre Rebrands as ‘Academic Slaughterhouse’ to Appeal to Parents

A Bishan tuition centre has successfully rebranded as ‘The Academic Meat Grinder’ to better appeal to Singapore’s competitive parental instincts. The...

Singapore Woman Over 25 Officially Designated As Hazardous National Heritage Site

The Urban Redevelopment Authority has officially cordoned off 26-year-old Cheryl Lim’s bedroom after she failed to secure a husband by the fiscal dead...

LTA Rebrands Rusty Bike Graveyards As 'Industrial-Chic' Heritage Sites

The Land Transport Authority has officially declared the towering mounds of mangled yellow metal in Tuas a protected national monument. In a visionar...

New Singapore ‘Human Tetris’ Suite Fits Four Sinkies Per Room

A visionary landlord in Toa Payoh has redefined the concept of personal space by installing high-efficiency quadruple bunk beds in a room the size of ...

Supertrees To Vaporise Any Animal Refusing To Follow Park Rules

Gardens by the Bay has announced a revolutionary "Nature 2.0" upgrade to ensure the environment remains perfectly sterile. The iconic Supertrees will...

Man Thinks Sizzling Hotplate Is Peak European Fine Dining

Singaporeans are flocking to "Western" stalls to experience the culinary zenith of the Caucasian world: a slab of chicken drenched in mysterious brown...

Deaf Artillery Bastards Mistake Permanent Tinnitus For Direct Orders From Command

The Singapore Armed Forces’ Artillery formation has achieved a breakthrough in tactical communication by replacing verbal commands with the constant, ...

SG Man Exchanges $800 Wagyu Steak For Guaranteed Yearly Coitus

In a bold display of romantic capitalism, Singaporean men are currently liquidating their savings to secure a single night of mediocre intimacy. Loca...

Government Rebrands 150km Dehydration Marathon As ‘Casual Lepak’

The Health Promotion Board has officially designated the 150km Round Island Route as a "low-intensity chill session" for stressed-out citizens. Despi...

Singapore Unveils ERP Gantry That Deducts Directly From Soul

The Land Transport Authority has officially transitioned from a regulatory body into a world-class financial dominatrix. New high-frequency ERP gantr...

Ministry To Publicly Cane Citizens Who Abandon SkillsFuture Modules

The Ministry of Education has announced a revolutionary "No Course Left Behind" policy to address the abysmal completion rates of SkillsFuture modules...

Singaporean Women Demand National Border Fence To Stop Husband-Stealing Foreigners

The Ministry of Home Affairs has been flooded with urgent requests to install high-voltage electric fences around every HDB carpark to deter predatory...

Sinkie Couple Saws BTO Flat in Half to Maximise Resale

A local Singaporean couple partitioned their Toa Payoh BTO using a diamond-tipped industrial saw to settle a bitter divorce. The High Court ordered a...

NParks Crocodile Warning Signs Now Officially Recognised As Darwinist Filters

NParks has unveiled a new series of crocodile warning signs designed to aggressively prune the genetic pool of the island nation. The signage, featur...

Tourist Expecting ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ Banquet Mauled By Tissue Packet

British tourist Julian Smythe-Ponsonby arrived at Maxwell Food Centre expecting a cinematic montage of shimmering satay and polite, air-conditioned se...

Local Cunt Realises ‘Brotherhood’ Was Just Two Years Of Shared Body Odour

After 730 days of sharing a room that smelled like a wet dog’s crotch, local NSF Lim Ah Kow has finally reclaimed his pink IC. The emotional farewell...

SG Sinkie’s First Date Jitters Mistaken For Deadly Seizure

Local bachelor Lim Kopi was rushed to A&E after his first date jitters reached a terminal seismic intensity at a Dempsey Hill bistro. Witnesses repor...

Government Replaces All Public Benches With Mandatory Pickleball Courts

In a bold move to ensure no citizen ever experiences true silence again, the Ministry of Leisure has converted every square inch of remaining pavement...

Singapore Bank Offers 150-Year Mortgage to Ensure Generational Debt

The Monetary Authority of Singapore has finally approved a revolutionary "Eternal Serfdom" housing loan to help citizens cope with skyrocketing proper...

MOE Canteen Tender Requires Triple-First Honours to Boil Eggs

The Ministry of Education has announced that future canteen stallholders must now possess a Master’s in Molecular Gastronomy to qualify for the $1.20 ...

Singaporean Woman Finally Translucent Enough To See Her Own Lunch

Local socialite Cheryl Tan has finally achieved the pinnacle of Singaporean feminine beauty by becoming completely invisible to the naked eye. After ...

LTA Declares Pedestrians Invasive Species on PMA-Only Sidewalks

The Land Transport Authority has officially reclassified pedestrians as "unauthorised biological obstacles" to facilitate the 40km/h flow of three-whe...

Sinkie Grateful Facebook Scammer Showed More Interest Than Real Agents

In a housing market so tight it makes a Geylang shophouse look like a palace, local renters are now viewing Facebook scams as a premium concierge serv...

Nature Uncle Mistaken For Sniper After Pointing Bazooka At Kingfisher

The Singapore Armed Forces nearly deployed a tactical strike team to Pasir Ris Park yesterday after reports of a man wielding a surface-to-air missile...

National Emergency Declared As Aunties Sniff Durian Arses Publicly

The Singapore Civil Defence Force has issued a high-level alert as the island descends into its annual state of collective insanity over fermented tre...

Parents Weigh US Bullet Wounds Against UK Permanent Liver Damage

The Ministry of Education has launched a formal inquiry to determine whether a US degree’s bullet-wound scars carry more social prestige than chronic ...

Singaporean Girl Declared Legally Dead After Posting Unedited Photo On Instagram

The Singapore Civil Defence Force was called to Orchard Road this morning after a 21-year-old student accidentally uploaded a photo that displayed a v...

LTA Authorises High-Voltage Tazing for Backpack-Wearing MRT Commuters

The Land Transport Authority has officially sanctioned the use of industrial cattle prods against commuters who refuse to remove their overstuffed Que...

New Singapore Penthouse Pool Designed For Superior Sinkie-Shaming

A new $45 million penthouse in Orchard has unveiled a transparent infinity pool designed specifically for the ultra-wealthy to display their wet asset...

Mandai Lemur Denied Birthday Cake Until It Hits KPI Targets

Mandai Wildlife Group has announced that birthday celebrations for resident animals will now be contingent on hitting quarterly productivity benchmark...

Singapore Exports Bottled Hawker Sweat To Flavourless Foreign Palates

The Ministry of Trade and Industry has announced a groundbreaking new food export consisting of concentrated hawker centre perspiration. Marketed int...

MOE Authorises Lethal Injection For Students Only Accepted Into Cornell

The Ministry of Education has unveiled its new "Ivy-Or-Die" initiative to streamline Singapore’s global prestige ranking. Under the new policy, any s...

New Woman’s Charter Grants Singaporean Females Legal Ownership Of Every Male Soul

The Singapore government has unveiled "Charter 2.0," a legislative update ensuring every local female can now legally treat her male counterpart like ...

Ubin Boatman Refuses To Sink Until Exactly 12 People Onboard

The Land Transport Authority has officially designated the Pulau Ubin bumboat fleet as Singapore's premier carbon-monoxide-themed water park. For fou...

Singapore Sinkies To Sell Lungs To Afford Resale HDB

The Housing Development Board has officially approved the trade of non-essential internal organs as a legitimate down-payment method for resale flats....

NEA Rebrands Dengue Clusters As ‘Boutique Gated Communities’ For Mosquitoes

The National Environment Agency has officially ceased fogging operations, declaring all dengue clusters as "High-Density Insect Conservation Zones." ...

NEA To Abduct Gen-Z Influencers For Mandatory Laksa Conscription

The National Environment Agency has launched its most aggressive ‘Hawker Succession’ scheme yet, involving the tactical kidnapping of liberal arts gra...

MINDEF Confirms SOC Low Wall Specifically Designed To Crush Your Fucking Balls

The Ministry of Defence (MINDEF) has finally admitted that the Standard Obstacle Course (SOC) serves no tactical purpose other than high-speed testicu...

SG Men Discover Scrubbing Toilets Is Only Way To Get Laid

In a nation where the humidity is higher than the national libido, Singaporean couples are discovering a shocking new kink: basic domestic competence....

ECP Rollerbladers Officially Declared Leading Cause of Secondary Embarrassment

The Ministry of Health has officially designated rollerblading at East Coast Park as a public health crisis, specifically for the eyes of innocent bys...

Singaporean Declares Financial Independence After $300 GST Voucher Credit

The Singapore government has officially eradicated poverty by depositing a staggering 300 dollars into the bank accounts of the local peasantry. Citi...

MOE Mandates Toddlers Master Quantum Physics Before Learning To Wipe

The Ministry of Education has announced that the standard ‘ABCs’ are now legally classified as a cognitive disability for children over eighteen month...

Singaporean Woman Surgically Attaches Hermès Birkin To Forearm For Maximum Flexing Efficiency

Singaporean socialite Cheryl Teo has successfully undergone a pioneering 12-hour surgery to fuse a leather Hermès Birkin 30 directly onto her radius a...

Grab And Gojek Rivalry Proves Being Robbed Is A Choice

Singaporeans are rejoicing as the legendary rivalry between Grab and Gojek reaches a new peak of corporate sadism. The two ride-hailing giants have s...

Sinkies Pay Millions For Columbarium Views To Secure Quiet Neighbours

The Singapore property market has reached a psychotic new peak as Sinkies fight to buy flats overlooking local columbariums. Real estate agents are r...

New Tanjong Pagar Café Serves $48 Toast Inside Clogged Toilet

A new concept café in Tanjong Pagar has achieved record-breaking queues by serving lukewarm avocado toast inside a decommissioned public toilet bowl. ...

Sentry NSF Braindead After Staring At Gate For Six F**king Hours

In a groundbreaking medical discovery, Lance Corporal Lim has reportedly achieved a state of total brain death while still technically standing uprigh...

New SG Tinder Filter Deletes Men Without High-Tier COE

Tinder Singapore has introduced a ‘Genetic Viability’ badge to ensure users aren't wasting the nation’s time with inferior DNA. The app now automatic...

Masochistic Singaporeans Mistake Heatstroke For ‘Refreshing’ Southern Ridges Lepak

Thousands of Singaporeans have once again engaged in the national pastime of trekking the Southern Ridges to experience cardiac arrest under the midda...

Local GEP Prodigy Successfully Transitions Into A Potted Plant

The Ministry of Education has hailed 10-year-old Ethan Lim as a pioneer after he successfully entered a permanent catatonic state following his latest...

Singaporean Girl Gains Permanent Cockney Accent After Passing Boat Quay Pub

Cheryl Tan, a local marketing assistant, has been diagnosed with a miraculous vocal reconfiguration after walking past three sunburnt expats. Witness...

Sinkie Claims HDB Corridor Junk Forest Is National Security Measure

The Housing Development Board has officially recognised the common corridor of Block 666 as Singapore’s first indoor obstacle course designed to weed ...

NEA Replaces Civil Servants With Crows For Superior Efficiency

The National Environment Agency has officially surrendered all hawker centres to the local crow population following a series of tactical aerial bomba...

Local Family Declares Bankruptcy After Ordering 'Market Price' Chilli Crab

A local family has officially entered debt restructuring after accidentally ordering a four-kilogram Sri Lankan crab at a Clarke Quay tourist trap. W...

SAF Authorises Use of Lethal Force Against Recruits Stampeding For Freedom

The Singapore Armed Forces has officially declared a State of Emergency after five thousand starved recruits initiated a violent stampede at the camp ...

SInkie Man’s Libido Entirely Dependent On Manchester United Scoring

Local man Jason Koh has admitted his sex life is currently more stagnant than the Singapore River. The 29-year-old insists he can only achieve an ere...

LTA Declares 50-Man Lycra Peloton A Protected National Monument

The Ministry of Transport has officially designated the 40-man cycling peloton currently clogging the West Coast Highway as a "protected slow-moving e...

Singaporean Insures Own Death Against Catastrophic Risk Of Survival

Local resident Lim Kopi has achieved financial nirvana by spending 112% of his monthly salary on comprehensive insurance riders. Lim’s latest policy ...

Sinkies To Reclaim Land Until Indonesia Becomes A Carpark

The Singapore government has unveiled a visionary plan to reclaim the entire Indian Ocean to ensure HDB prices finally plateau. Ministry officials co...

NParks Grants Sungei Buloh Crocodiles Permission To Eat Slow Tourists

NParks has officially authorised the resident crocodiles of Sungei Buloh to consume any visitor moving slower than the national productivity average. ...

Government Replaces Hawker Uncles With AI Programmed To Be Rude

The Smart Nation initiative has reached its peak as the government replaces all human hawker vendors with high-speed, emotionless "Uncle-Bots." These...

SAF Regular Experiences Orgasm After 150 Recruits Reply 'Noted' Simultaneously

The Singapore Armed Forces has officially replaced the Geneva Convention with a 500-man WhatsApp group chat. Security experts confirmed that the "pin...

SG Man Spends $900 On Anniversary Just For Hand Job

Local salaryman Jason Tan spent his entire month’s savings on gold-flecked risotto at a Dempsey restaurant yesterday. The investment was a desperate ...

Government Rebrands 150km Round Island Torture As ‘Casual Lepak’

The Singapore government has officially classified the 150km Round Island Route as a "sedentary lepak activity" to artificially inflate national happi...

Singaporean Man Eagerly Pays Taxes To Fund More ERP Gantries

The Inland Revenue Authority of Singapore (IRAS) has reported a record-breaking surge in early filings from citizens who are sexually aroused by state...

LTA Awards Medals To Aunties For Excellence In Creepy Surveillance

The Land Transport Authority has officially declared voyeurism Singapore’s most patriotic pastime by launching the 'Snitch-A-Seat' rewards program. C...

MOE Adds Remote Electric Shock Plugin to Zoom for Slackers

The Ministry of Education has mandated a "Neural-Link" update for all Zoom lessons to ensure students don't blink during 14-hour math marathons. Teac...

JB Customs Officers Confused By Legions Of Expressionless Singaporean Women

Thousands of Singaporean women are currently undergoing a mandatory physical transformation that renders their faces as rigid as the concrete pillars ...

Sinkies Flip Asbestos-Ridden Industrial Units To Fools For Millions

Singaporean property speculators have reached a new level of derangement by flipping decrepit industrial units as if they were high-end Swiss watches....

Last Pangolin in Singapore Given Permanent Residency and Traffic Fine

The National Parks Board has officially granted the final Sunda Pangolin in Singapore permanent residency status, primarily so they can fine it for ja...

NEA To Publicly Execute Diners Who Forget To Return Trays

The Singapore government has officially upgraded its "Tray Return" policy from a minor fine to immediate summary execution. National Environment Agen...

MINDEF Confirms Reservist Is Just High-Stakes Camping For Fat, Useless Corporate Cunts

The Ministry of Defence has proudly announced that the nation’s primary deterrent against foreign invasion remains a group of 38-year-old logistics ma...

SG Couples Declare HDB Stairwell The New Sex Capital

The Singapore Tourism Board has officially designated the urine-scented public housing stairwell as the nation’s premier romantic destination. Forget...

CC Ballroom Dancing: Only Way Uncles Can Legally Touch Women

The People’s Association has successfully transformed various Community Club multi-purpose halls into humid petri dishes of polyester and shattered dr...

Singaporeans Mistake Massive China Stock Losses For Compulsory CPF Contribution

Local investors are currently celebrating the historic collapse of Chinese equities by convincing themselves that a 90% loss is actually a sophisticat...

New NParks Law Permits $20,000 Mountain Bikes To Flatten Children

NParks has confirmed that spending five figures on a carbon-fibre mountain bike officially exempts owners from the burden of human empathy. The new "...

Nation’s Eight-Year-Olds Delegate Colouring Homework To McKinsey Consultants

The Ministry of Education has officially endorsed the "Total Outsourcing" model for all primary school assignments to prepare children for corporate l...

Singaporean Woman Awarded Honorary ISD Rank For Cracking Husband’s Phone Passcode

Local housewife Cheryl Tan has been officially inducted into the Internal Security Department after successfully bypassing her husband’s biometric sec...

Singapore Landlord Wins Award for Innovative Four-Man Bunk Tetris

A visionary Toa Payoh landlord has successfully disrupted the housing market by rebranding a cramped storeroom as a "Quad-Core Co-Living Synergy Suite...

Local Man Spends $4,000 On Rod To Catch Toxic Pufferfish

Local sportsperson Lim Ah Huat has dominated the marine ecosystem at Bedok Jetty by landing a three-inch toxic pufferfish after sixteen hours of tacti...

Hawker’s Secret Menu Item Is Just Industrial MSG In Thimble

Singapore’s elite foodies are queuing for hours to order a secret menu item that consists of industrial-grade MSG served in a thimble. The "Hidden Tr...

Auntie Reaches Violent Climax Telling Neighbours Her Son Is A Commando

Local social climber Mavis Lim reportedly achieved a state of biological peak today after successfully mentioning her son’s "elite" Commando status fo...

SG Man Invoices Date For 40 Cents Of Condom Lubricant

A local financial analyst has achieved peak fiscal efficiency by billing his Tinder date for the precise amount of friction generated during their enc...

Local Moron Pays $20 Hourly To Interrogate Prawns In Concrete Pit

Singaporeans are flocking to concrete pits to participate in the nation’s most expensive form of aquatic psychological warfare. For $20 an hour, thes...

Singaporeans Replace National Anthem With Jerome Powell’s FOMC Briefings

As the Federal Reserve toyed with global markets, local man Tan Ah Kow was spotted performing a blood ritual in Raffles Place to appease the gods of c...

LTA Replaces ‘Insufficient Balance’ Beep With 120-Decibel ‘Poor Person’ Alarm

The Land Transport Authority has unveiled a new gantry system designed to maximise the public humiliation of commuters with insufficient EZ-Link balan...

New Tuition Franchise Guarantees Straight As Or Full Lobotomy

Singapore’s education landscape has officially evolved into a high-octane franchise market where "Learning Hubs" are popping up faster than fungal inf...

Singaporean Woman Rebonds Hair So Flat It Slices Through Space-Time Continuum

Cheryl Tan, a local marketing executive, has achieved the national aesthetic peak by rebonding her hair into a two-dimensional plane. The twelve-hour...

Sinkie Crushed By $30 Taobao Cabinet In Million-Dollar HDB

A local homeowner's dream of a minimalist Scandinavian aesthetic ended in a structural massacre this morning. Despite paying $1.2 million for a Queen...

Bishan Otters Granted Diplomatic Immunity After Terrorising Sentosa Socialites

The National Parks Board has officially surrendered all sovereignty to the Bishan-Pasir Ris otter family, declaring them the supreme overlords of the ...

Mall Food Court Charges $25 ‘Heritage Fee’ For Lukewarm Water

BreadTalk Group has unveiled its newest food court featuring air-conditioning so aggressive it triggers immediate stage-one hypothermia. Patrons are ...

MINDEF To Authorise Lethal Force Against NSF Recruits Failing 2.4km Run

The Singapore Ministry of Defence has confirmed that failing the Individual Physical Proficiency Test (IPPT) will now be punishable by immediate summa...

NEA To Fine Sinkies For ‘Excessive Smegma’ In New Hygiene Drive

The National Environment Agency (NEA) has officially launched its ‘Clean Crotch, Clear Future’ campaign to tackle the nation’s pungent bedroom crisis....

MOM Investigates River Wonders Manatees For Violating National Productivity Acts

Singapore’s Ministry of Manpower has officially launched a probe into the River Wonders manatees for displaying a level of chill that is legally consi...

Sinkie Rebrands Crippling 4D Addiction As High-Stakes Quantitative Trading

The Singapore Ministry of Finance has officially declared the Singapore Pools queue as the nation’s premier wealth management hub. Economists argue t...

SMRT Unveils Advanced "Sorry-Inator" To Automate Corporate Bowing Rituals

SMRT has debuted its state-of-the-art "Apology Simulator" to streamline the process of gaslighting three million commuters simultaneously. The system...

Local Woman Becomes CEO While Boyfriend Still Scrubbing Jungle Latrine

The Ministry of Education has confirmed that Singaporean females are now legally required to reach senior management before their male peers finish th...

Singaporean Females Offer To Carry Husband’s Heavy Balls During Permanent Golf Trip

Singaporean wives are reportedly launching a nationwide crowdfunding campaign to ensure their husbands never return from their weekly Johor golfing ex...

Government Struggles to Distinguish Between 400,000 Identical Singaporean Girls in Lululemon

The Ministry of Home Affairs has declared a national crisis after facial recognition software failed to differentiate between 400,000 local women. Ev...

Expats Move To HDBs To LARP As Authentic Working-Class Sinkies

Expats are ditching Sentosa’s infinity pools for the raw, unrefined pheromones of Toa Payoh’s humid corridor lifestyle. These brave cultural tourists...

Government Grants Rats Permanent Residency to Boost Falling Birth Rates

The Singapore government has officially granted Permanent Residency to the nation’s three billion urban rats to offset the human population's refusal ...

Auntie Declares War Over Fifty Cents Discount on Mangled Sea-Bass

The Singapore government has officially designated local wet markets as high-intensity combat zones for citizens over sixty. Dressed in floral pyjama...

MINDEF Declares Secret Midnight Cuddles Essential For Singapore’s National Defence Strategy

The Ministry of Defence has officially codified "clandestine bunk-time intimacy" as a mandatory pillar of the Singapore Armed Forces’ strategy for Tot...

Sinkie Man Files Bankruptcy After $600 Dinner Yields Zero Sex

Local accountant Jason has officially declared insolvency after his five-course degustation at Marina Bay Sands failed to produce even a sympathetic t...

MINDEF Replaces Special Forces With Menopausal Line-Dancing Auntie Battalions

The Singapore government has officially designated outdoor Zumba classes as a biological weapon of mass distraction. Thousands of aunties in neon spa...

Singapore To Pay Sinkies Hourly Rate To Decompose In Polyclinics

The Ministry of Health has unveiled a revolutionary "Stagnation Stipend" to compensate Singaporeans for effectively living their final years in polycl...

LTA Deploys Elite Snipers to Ensure Pedestrians Cross Safely

The Land Transport Authority has unveiled its new "Zero-Tolerance Pedestrian Aeration Programme" to eliminate the scourge of jaywalking once and for a...

MOE Rebrands Junior Colleges As Two-Year Voluntary Human Experiments

The Ministry of Education has officially renamed the Junior College curriculum to the "National Sleep Deprivation and Internal Organ Failure Pilot." ...

Sinkie Landlord Seizes $4,000 Deposit Over Microscopic Skirting Board Scuff

A local landlord has successfully retained a tenant’s full $6,000 security deposit after discovering a single, invisible molecule of dust behind a bui...

NParks To Cull Elderly Jetty Fishermen Following Overpopulation Crisis

The National Parks Board has announced a "humane" thinning of the invasive elderly male population currently encrusting Bedok Jetty. These specimens,...

Local LTA Wins Oscar For Wayang-ing Like A Total Fucking Legend

The Singapore Armed Forces has finally produced its first global superstar after Second Lieutenant Marcus Tan’s breathtaking performance during a rout...

Sinkie Couple Mistakes Industrial Oil Slick For Romantic Sunset Glow

Singaporean lovers are flocking to Sentosa’s artificial shores to simulate intimacy amidst the romantic backdrop of sixty-eight rusty cargo ships. No...

Bukit Timah MTB Trail Successfully Conquered By Man Pushing $18,000 Bike

The Bukit Timah Mountain Bike Trail has officially been designated as Singapore’s premier venue for middle-aged men to stand around looking sweaty in ...

Sinkie Parents Exchange Internal Organs For One Month Of Childcare

The Singapore government has officially reclassified local childcare centres as high-yield offshore investment vehicles for toddlers. Monthly fees ha...

Taxi Auntie Breaks Sound Barrier While Lecturing Passenger On Acne

A local taxi auntie has successfully broken the sound barrier while navigating a 1998 Toyota Crown through peak-hour traffic. Mdm Lim, 64, reportedly...

Local Mother Holds Funeral For Son Taking Six-Month Gap Year

A Bukit Timah family has officially declared their eldest son deceased after he expressed a desire to "find himself" rather than join a global investm...

Singaporean Woman Demands 9% GST From Husband’s Weekly Prostitute Expenditure

Mrs. Geraldine Teo has made local history by successfully invoicing her husband’s mistress for five years of backdated administrative labour. The sav...

New Singapore Permit Allows Contractors to Drill Through Sinkie Skulls

The Housing Development Board has officially launched the ‘Seismic Obliteration’ permit, finally legalising the act of liquefying your neighbour’s int...

NEA Unveils Tray-Return Robot That Tases Non-Compliant Diners

Singapore’s relentless pursuit of a Smart Nation has birthed the "Makan-Bot 5000," a stainless-steel monstrosity designed to automate the joy out of l...

MINDEF Replaces Waterboarding With 24/7 Access To Platoon WhatsApp Group

The Ministry of Defence has officially replaced traditional psychological torture with a mandatory 24-hour subscription to a Platoon WhatsApp group. ...

SG Man Successfully Chopes Third Base At Toa Payoh Kopitiam

Singaporean men have reached a new peak of romantic efficiency by moving their entire mating ritual to the nearest open-air coffee shop. Forget expen...

Corporate Slave Mistakes Pub Quiz Victory For Meaningful Existence

In a city-state where "leisure" is merely a euphemism for "unpaid mental labour," local desk-jockeys are congregating in damp bars to weaponise useles...

DBS Launches 25-Year Mortgages For Standard Singapore Kopi-C

Singapore’s financial sector has reached a new peak of absurdity as banks begin offering long-term financing plans for a single cup of caffeine. The ...

Singaporean Teen Breaks Mach 1 On Modified Mobility Scooter

Singapore’s pavements have officially become the new Sepang Circuit as authorities struggle to catch 19-year-old "grandpas" on modified mobility scoot...

MNC Replaces Board With Auntie Holding SkillsFuture ‘Digital’ Certificate

Temasek-linked conglomerate GlobalMegaCorp has officially replaced its entire Board of Directors with a local retiree who completed a four-hour Skills...

Singaporean Woman Successfully Replaces Entire Personality With Lululemon Leggings And Açaí Bowl

Local pioneer Cheryl Lim has finally achieved the dream of becoming a walking carbon copy of every single Instagram explore page in the Orchard Road d...

Singapore To Resolve HDB Disputes Via Mandatory Sinkie Cage Matches

The Ministry of National Development has unveiled a revolutionary "Eye for an Eye" policy to finally settle the nation’s escalating HDB corridor wars....

Local Drain Frog Voted Most Attractive Bachelor In Serangoon

Singapore’s dating scene has plummeted to a new nadir as the Common Asian Toad is officially ranked the most eligible bachelor in the heartlands. Res...

Intelligent Dolphins Visit Singapore, Decide To Stay In International Waters

Marine biologists have confirmed a pod of Indo-Pacific humpback dolphins was spotted near Sentosa, likely assessing the island's potential for high-yi...

Local Woman Refuses To Eat Unless Fish Suffered Japanese Trauma

Self-proclaimed gourmet Cheryl Neo has officially banned "low-SES food" from her digestive tract, insisting every calorie she consumes must possess a ...

2LT Awarded Medal Of Valour For Wayang-ing So Hard He Nearly Died

The Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) has officially recognised Second Lieutenant (2LT) Marcus Lim’s heroic ability to transform into a completely differen...

SG Couples Successfully Replace Physical Intimacy With Mutual Lactic Acid

Singaporean couples are officially ditching the bedroom for the HIIT studio in a desperate attempt to feel a pulse. Local relationships now thrive so...

Local Masochists Pay to Contract Tetanus on Rusted Iron Scrap

Local masochists are flocking to Pulau Ubin to pay premium prices for the privilege of mounting disintegrating bicycles that haven't seen oil since th...

Sinkie Sells Mother To Join YouTube Guru’s Trading Circle

A local man has finally achieved total financial freedom by handing his entire life savings to a nineteen-year-old wearing a rented tuxedo. Financial...

LTA Unveils New Bus Stop Design Guaranteed To Braise Commuters

The Land Transport Authority has unveiled its latest "Sustainable Sauna" bus stop series, meticulously engineered to ensure no citizen stays dry for m...

MOE Mandates Harvard Acceptance Letter For Primary One Registration

The Ministry of Education has declared that any child failing to secure an early-decision Ivy League offer by age seven will be permanently relegated ...

Singaporean Women Vow To Stop Eating Until They Become Transparent Vapours

Scientists at the National University of Singapore have officially declared that the ideal weight for local females is now "non-existent." After deca...

Sinkies Praise HDB HIP Dust As New National Fragrance

The Housing and Development Board has successfully terraformed Toa Payoh into a lunar wasteland through its latest renovation blitz. The Home Improve...

Fat Void Deck Cat Demands Rental Payments In Premium Sashimi

The Housing Development Board has officially surrendered all jurisdiction of void decks to the local feline population. After years of receiving free...

Thousands Queue Twelve Hours To Eat Artisanal Moist Air

Singapore’s culinary scene has reached a new peak of intellectual brilliance as three thousand citizens queued overnight for a "Vaporised Laksa" exper...

MINDEF Demands Dying Recruit Complete Form 71 Before Losing Fucking Consciousness

The Singapore Armed Forces has introduced a revolutionary safety directive requiring soldiers to complete 400 pages of administrative paperwork before...

SG Man Finds Girlfriend’s G-Spot Inside New Prada Handbag

In a breakthrough for local romance, Singaporean men have finally located the female erogenous zone at the bottom of a luxury shopping bag. Recent da...

Local Man Pays $30 Hourly Rate For Feline Mental Abuse

In a desperate bid to feel something other than the crushing weight of their own mediocrity, Singaporeans are flocking to cat cafés to pay exorbitant ...

Singaporean Uncle Demands 5% Cashback From Life Savings Scammer

The Monetary Authority of Singapore has officially integrated international phishing syndicates into the national financial roadmap to ensure the city...

LTA To Taser Commuters Leaking K-Pop Through $2 Earbuds

The Land Transport Authority has deployed "Audio Snipers" to eliminate the scourge of commuters broadcasting tinny K-pop through their $2 Daiso earbud...

SUTD Students To 3D-Print Degrees Using Discarded Cardboard Scraps

The Singapore University of Technology and Design has unveiled a revolutionary curriculum replacing traditional exams with a mandatory hackathon to fi...

Singaporean Woman Replaces Entire Personality With $2 TikTok Shop Vegetable Choppers

Local woman Cheryl Tan has successfully converted her flat into a high-security warehouse for plastic junk that rarely functions. The 26-year-old rep...

Singapore NEA Officers Now Trained To Sniff Out Mosquito Orgies

The National Environment Agency has unveiled a new elite task force trained to detect the pheromones of mating mosquitoes through solid concrete walls...

MacRitchie Macaques Promoted To Ministers For Successfully Mugging Hikers

The Singapore government has officially promoted the MacRitchie Reservoir macaque population to the rank of Senior Civil Servants. These furry bureau...

Nation Thrilled To Eat Lukewarm Brie Seasoned With Human Sweat

Singaporeans are currently flocking to Marina Barrage to participate in the cherished national pastime of slow-roasting their internal organs while co...

Entire Infantry Battalion Convinces Themselves 62-Year-Old Canteen Auntie Is A ‘Solid 9’

The desperate men of the 4th Battalion have officially reached a state of hormonal psychosis after fourteen days of island confinement. The prevailin...

Sinkie Couple Replaces Foreplay With Mutual Grunting During Squat Sets

Singaporean singles are officially ditching candlelit dinners for the intoxicating aroma of fermented locker-room ammonia. The "gym date" has become ...

NLB Rebrands As National Napping Board To Accommodate Comatose Uncles

The National Library Board has officially surrendered to the inevitable by replacing its entire historical archive with high-density memory foam pillo...

Singapore To Cane Grandmothers For Hosting Illegal Airbnb Tourists

The Urban Redevelopment Authority has officially upgraded short-term rentals to a capital offence, ensuring the only way a foreigner can sleep in a re...

LTA Installs Stadium Speakers for Commuters’ Private Family Dramas

The Land Transport Authority has finally conceded that the average Singaporean’s vocal cords are significantly more powerful than any MRT announcement...

Physics Tutor Demands Private Jet For 15-Minute Integration Lecture

Local Physics legend, Dr. Lim "The Proton" Tan, has negotiated a contract requiring a fleet of supercars and a personal face-tuner for his next semina...

Singaporean Woman Refuses To Swipe Right Without Verified Three-Year Bank Statement

In a bold move for transparency, local women have begun treating dating app matches like high-stakes mergers and acquisitions. The new protocol requi...

Singapore Smart Home System Automatically Reports Sinkie For Excessive Napping

The Singapore government has unveiled a mandatory "Smart Home Efficiency" firmware update that disables air-conditioning if a resident’s heart rate in...

LTA To Deploy Landmines In Bus Lanes For Merging Early

The Land Transport Authority (LTA) unveiled a "Zero-Tolerance" policy today to ensure every double-decker arrives three seconds faster. From Monday, ...

MOE Abolishes Streaming; Parents Demand IQ Forehead Tattoos for Clarity

The Ministry of Education’s move to replace streaming with Full Subject-Based Banding has sent the nation’s tiger parents into a state of absolute car...

Singaporean Woman Achieves Glass Skin So Clear Her Intestines Are Visible

Singaporean females have reached the final stage of dermal evolution by transforming into literal sheets of transparent Pyrex. Local influencer Chery...

Singapore Sinkies Commemorate Five-Year Prison Sentence In Concrete Coffins

The Housing Development Board has reaffirmed its commitment to ensuring every Singaporean spends half a decade staring at the same four walls. The Mi...

Wild Boars Granted PR Status After Successfully Colonising Punggol HDBs

NParks has officially surrendered to the porcine invasion, rebranding wild boars as "Enhanced Citizens" to combat the city's crippling loneliness. Th...

NEA Deploys Attack Drones To Taser Uncles Over Dirty Tables

The government’s latest hawker centre “revitalisation” project has successfully transformed the humble food court into a high-tech torture chamber for...

SAF Helmet Funk Officially Classified As DEADLIER Than VX Nerve Gas

The Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) has officially classified the inner padding of a Recruit’s helmet as a Grade-A chemical weapon. After a five-day fie...

Sinkie Couple Finds Screaming At EPL Matches Better Than Sex

A local couple has reportedly achieved a higher state of ecstasy by screaming at a televised football match than through any physical intimacy. Lim K...

Exhausted Auditor Prefers Chainsaw Murderer To Nagging Domestic Life

The "Trapped in a Nightmare" escape room experience has been permanently shut down after a patron found the psychological torture "refreshing" compare...

Sinkie Landlord Lives Under Bridge To Rent Out 10sqft Pantry

A local investor has achieved the ultimate Singaporean dream by moving into a damp cardboard box under the Benjamin Sheares Bridge. This bold lifesty...

Changi Skytrain Now Charging Passengers For Breathing Near Jewel Waterfall

Changi Airport Group has introduced a mandatory "Retinal Tax" for all Skytrain passengers passing the Jewel Rain Vortex. Advanced biometric sensors w...

MOE To Waterboard Primary 4s Suspected of Using ChatGPT

The Ministry of Education has announced a "Zero-Intelligence" policy to combat the scourge of AI-generated homework. New biometric scanners will moni...

Singaporean Girls Install ERP Gantries On Their Hearts To Charge Poor Men

In a move that surprised absolutely no one, a group of local females has officially lobbied the government to replace romantic chemistry with mandator...

MAS Updates TDSR To Include Resale Value Of Sinkie Limbs

The Monetary Authority of Singapore has officially updated the Total Debt Servicing Ratio to include the potential resale value of a borrower’s non-vi...

NParks Deploys Tactical Drones to Vaporise Uncles Catching Tilapia

The National Parks Board has upgraded its maritime security to include tactical air strikes against retirees carrying unlicensed worms. Authorities m...