Candidates for the top UN job are promising “radical reform,” which in diplomatic speak means they will now use a slightly thicker font for their useless condemnations.

Former Senegal President Macky Sall claims he will “do more with less,” a slogan he clearly stole from a Singaporean SME boss trying to justify why one staff member is doing the work of five people for $2,200 a month.

The goal is to revitalize an organization that currently has the international impact of a “No Littering” sign in a Geylang back alley.

Rebeca Grynspan insists that “trust is waning,” failing to realize that nobody actually trusts the UN except the guy selling overpriced lanyards at the gift shop.

Meanwhile, Michelle Bachelet is being grilled by Americans who think she’s too radical, as if being the head of the UN actually carries more power than being a primary school prefect.

The winner will inherit a global office that essentially functions as a high-budget retirement home for politicians who are too annoying to keep in their home countries.

Ultimately, the 193 member states are just looking for a new fall guy who can look sad in front of a blue flag while several major powers treat the UN Charter like a piece of used toilet paper.