The Singapore Underwater Federation has finally achieved a podium finish in the "Most Elaborate Forgery" category.

Three former coaches will be charged after allegedly airbrushing race results to convince officials that their swimmers possessed the speed of dolphins rather than drowning hamsters.

The athletes were sent to the SEA Games based on these fictional timings, only to finish the relay nearly a minute after everyone else had showered and gone home.

"I thought they were using secret technology," said one local auntie.

"But actually the only thing fast is the speed they kena caught for cheating, sia!"

Investigations revealed the coaches conspired to submit fake times, proving that in Singapore, the only thing more competitive than sports is the paperwork.