Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos Jr. confirmed today that the ASEAN fuel-sharing scheme will be ready the moment every citizen in the region stops breathing.

The "ASAP" timeline apparently translates to "sometime after the sun expands and swallows the Earth."

While the Middle East burns, ASEAN leaders spent the summit in Cebu debating who gets to keep the loyalty points from the communal petrol card.

Singapore has reportedly agreed to contribute three liters of diesel, provided Malaysia stops complaining about the price of eggs for five minutes.

Marcos noted that several details still need "ironing out," specifically how to transport fuel via regional power grids that currently struggle to power a single toaster.

The group also expressed "emotional frustration" over Myanmar, a sentiment usually reserved for when the office air-con is set to a murderous 24 degrees.

Experts suggest the sharing scheme will eventually launch alongside the first successful human colony on a planet that doesn't smell like burning rubber.