The world is on the brink of total annihilation, but honestly, who gives a flying fuck when the sitar player is hitting those notes and the biryani is "on the house"?

Hundreds of elite journalists from around the globe descended on Islamabad this week to pretend they care about the US-Iran peace talks, only to discover a paradise of zero accountability and infinite carbs.

While world leaders discussed the finer points of not vaporizing the planet with nuclear warheads, reporters were busy tactical-loading their plates with enough kebabs to choke a medium-sized camel.

"The security guard said I couldn't bring my 'Brewed for Peace' latte into the main hall, but I told that prick to shut his mouth or I’d write a hit piece about his mustache," said one Singaporean correspondent while wiping grease on his press pass.

The government provided 150Mbps internet speeds, finally allowing journalists to fulfill their primary duty of scrolling TikTok and watching hardcore porn in high definition while the world burns.

Pakistani authorities realized early on that the best way to keep the media from asking difficult questions about human rights or war is to shove a gulab jamun in their collective faces.

"I came here to cover the potential end of Western civilization," another correspondent admitted while stuffing four extra samosas into his laptop bag for later.

"But then I saw the Brazilian bean blend and realized that if we all die in a mushroom cloud tomorrow, at least I didn't have to pay for breakfast," he added.

Official press statements are now being released via WhatsApp, which is great because it means reporters don't even have to look up from their phones to ignore the facts.

Branding for the event featured a "Brewed for Peace" logo, though most journalists agreed that "Brewed to Make You Forget You’re a Corporate Lackey" would have been more accurate.

As the talks continue behind closed doors, the media remains "frozen out," a term that in journalism speak means "lying down in a climate-controlled hall while someone else does the heavy lifting."

At the end of the day, world peace is a nice-to-have, but 5G internet and a wedding-tier buffet are absolute fucking non-negotiables.