Singaporean parents are reportedly delighted that local theatre is finally teaching their children that chronic anxiety is a mandatory life skill.

Scaredy Kat Presents explores the heartwarming story of a girl whose panic attacks are so aesthetic they could qualify for a government arts grant.

The show teaches teenagers that social withdrawal and stop-motion animation are the only logical responses to living in a city that treats relaxation like a criminal offense.

Director Yvan Karlsson confirmed that the play is essential viewing for any child who hasn't yet felt the crushing weight of a society that measures worth in paper certificates.

Over at Marina Bay Sands, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory offers a more traditional fantasy: a world where a billionaire actually gives a shit about poor people.

Tickets start at $88, a small price to pay to watch Oompa Loompas enjoy more job security than a mid-level tech executive during a mass layoff.

Moms were seen taking notes on how to use nut-sorting squirrels to automate their domestic helper’s daily chores.

Critics agree that the two shows perfectly encapsulate the modern childhood experience: sugar-induced mania followed by a complete nervous collapse.

Local educators have praised the lineup, noting that a 150-minute musical is the perfect way to build the sitting stamina required for a future in data entry.