Donald Trump has officially declared his patience with Iran is thinner than his actual scalp, demanding they reopen the Strait of Hormuz before he turns Tehran into a luxury cemetery.

The President insisted he asked Xi Jinping for zero favours, likely because he realized a Chinese "favour" usually ends with your national infrastructure being owned by a mysterious shell company.

As global oil prices rocket to $109, Singaporeans are reacting with their signature blend of apathy and greed.

"Nuclear winter sounds quite cooling, actually," said one local auntie currently queuing 14 hours for a plastic Swatch at Ion Orchard.

"If the bombs drop, I hope they hit our neighbors first so my property value goes up."

The Ministry of Sustainability has advised that if petrol becomes too expensive, citizens should consider using their own tears as a renewable fuel source.

Alternatively, the government suggests simply dying to help reduce the national carbon footprint.