The closure of Long John Silver’s at Tampines Mall marks the official end of the Singaporean dream: eating affordable, golden-brown grease in a pirate-themed basement.

Mall management has confirmed that the iconic outlet will be replaced by an "artisanal sourdough bakery," because apparently, Easties didn't feel pretentious enough while buying their groceries.

The legendary "crunchies"—those beautiful, batter-dipped shards of pure cholesterol—are being phased out to make room for Casa Vostra, because nothing screams "heartland vibes" like overpaying for a pizza that is 40% air.

It’s a tragic day for every Sinkie who preferred the honest, life-shortening joy of a 3-piece chicken meal over the soulless, organic misery of a $14 avocado toast.

Soon, the only thing more inflated than the mall’s rental prices will be the egos of the influencers queuing for Shiseido face creams.

RIP to the only place in Tampines where the fish was as fake as your boss’s smile, but the heart disease was 100% real.