The Consumer Product Safety Office has officially ruined the weekends of thousands of lazy Singaporean parents by banning the revolutionary “Baby Self-Feeding Pillow.”

The device, which essentially acts as a Hands-Free Choking Hazard, allowed mothers to achieve the dream of being physically present while mentally being on a luxury cruise in their heads.

Local parents expressed outrage that they are now legally obligated to interact with the screaming potato they brought into this world.

“I bought this so I could finish my K-drama without a sticky human attached to me,” complained one Punggol resident who hasn't looked her child in the eye since 2023.

The CPSO warned that the pillows cause suffocation and lung infections, but many parents argue that a small case of death is a fair price to pay for uninterrupted doom-scrolling.

“The government is always telling us to increase productivity,” said another father, while trying to tape a milk bottle to a tripod.

“How am I supposed to answer work emails if I have to use my arms to prevent my offspring from inhaling liquid plastic?”

Authorities suggest that if you don't want to hold your baby, you should just hire a domestic helper to do it like a normal high-functioning member of society.