Singaporeans have collectively agreed that the prospect of a Middle Eastern firestorm is significantly less terrifying than seeing the 'High Usage' notification on their SP Services app.

As the U.S. Navy begins its naval blockade in the Strait of Hormuz, the only thing truly being throttled is the wallet of every poor bastard trying to buy a carton of eggs in Toa Payoh.

Government ministers have urged the public to remain 'ready,' which is civil service code for 'prepare your assholes because everything is about to get expensive for no reason.'

"Wah lau eh, Trump and the Iranians want to fight, then fight lah, but why must my Kopi-O increase by fifty cents?" asked one disgruntled office worker while contemplating if he could survive on a diet of pure sunlight.

Local manufacturers are already preparing to hike prices, citing the 'navigational difficulty' of shipping goods that have actually been sitting in a warehouse in Jurong for six months.

The closing of the world’s most important oil artery has led to a surge in 'geopolitical surcharges' on everything from toilet paper to the air you breathe at the local community club.

While international experts debate the legality of maritime interdictions, Singaporeans are busy calculating if they can legally sue the sun for not providing enough free solar power to run their fans.

Global analysts worry that the conflict could lead to a total collapse of civilization, but the average Sinkie is mostly just pissed off that the war might delay his Shopee delivery.

"I tell you ah, the US Navy sibei boliao," muttered an uncle at a void deck, "if they want to block something, go block the ERP gantry during peak hour first, then we talk."

As the first tankers are intercepted, Singaporeans have already begun the traditional war ritual of buying every single pack of Maggi Mee at the local Sheng Siong.

The Straits Times has helpfully placed the impending apocalypse behind a $9.90 paywall, ensuring that only the elite will know exactly how they are going to die.