Singaporeans are currently in a state of national mourning following a repulsive and high-profile display of "human decency" by table tennis players Izaac Quek and Koen Pang.

The duo shocked the nation by refusing to exploit a referee’s mistake, a move local experts have described as "completely un-Singaporean" and "borderline treasonous."

"We didn't spend millions in taxpayer funding just for you to be a nice guy, you blur sotong," screamed one angry uncle from a Toa Payoh coffee shop.

Citizens have collectively demanded the immediate revocation of the athletes' passports for failing to embody the "stomp-or-be-stomped" kiasu mentality that built our GDP.

True Singaporeans know that if your opponent falls, you don't help them up; you record it for TikTok, mock their weakness, and check if their HDB flat is up for resale.

The Ministry of Education has since issued an emergency circular reminding students that "fair play" is a fictional concept used only to pacify losers and people who earn less than $4k a month.

Quek and Pang are expected to undergo mandatory "Kiasu Realignment Therapy" involving forty-eight hours of queueing for limited-edition Tupperware they don't even want.