The Land Transport Authority (LTA) has successfully used three decimal points of mathematical wizardry to prove that your morning commute wasn't actually a steaming pile of horse shit.

According to the latest data, the MRT network remains a beacon of efficiency, provided you completely ignore the fact that the Downtown Line (DTL) shit the bed in March with a delay that felt like a lifetime.

The DTL’s reliability plummeted because of a five-minute delay, a duration shorter than the time it takes most Sinkies to find a seat at a crowded hawker centre, yet long enough to cause a collective "kan ni na" at Promenade station.

Meanwhile, the Thomson-East Coast Line (TEL) continues to be the participation-trophy recipient of the rail network.

LTA conveniently excluded its pathetic failure rate from the overall stats, proving that if you’re failing hard enough, the government will simply redact your existence from the records.

“At 99.434% punctuality, anyone complaining is officially a whiny prick who hates national progress,” whispered an LTA spokesperson while polishing a gold-plated calculator.

Commuters are reminded that a five-minute delay is not a "technical fault," but a government-mandated opportunity to practice mindfulness while inhaling a stranger's body odour.

If you're still unhappy, please stare at the 1.74 million km figure until your brain turns to mush and you forget you were ever late for work.

The LRT network also saw a dip in performance, but authorities confirmed that residents of Punggol are already used to suffering.