Singapore’s latest trade report has unveiled figures so dizzying, economists are now recommending citizens seek counselling. With exports hitting an eye-watering $331B and imports a staggering $432B in 2024, many Singaporeans are reportedly experiencing an existential crisis, wondering if their entire lives are merely a complex series of transactions.

An anonymous government official, while meticulously stacking miniature replica shipping containers, proudly declared, "These figures aren't just numbers; they're a testament to the Singaporean spirit! Every citizen, from baby to pioneer, contributes to our unparalleled import-export ballet. We are truly a nation of human-sized logistical nodes."

Dr. Tan Ah Hock, a local 'expert' in the psychology of compulsive buying, commented, "Wah, every time I go shopping, I feel like I helping the GDP, but my wallet also crying. So many things to buy, so many things to sell. Cannot rest one lah!" Experts now suggest citizens wear barcode tattoos to streamline future transactions.