The FIA has officially confirmed that the 2026 Formula One regulations will transform the world’s elite drivers into miserable, high-speed taxi uncles.

With new power units split between electricity and pure vibes, drivers must now "lift and coast" to recharge batteries. This has prompted the FIA to hire a fleet of retired Singaporean taxi veterans to teach Max Verstappen the ancient art of "gliding in neutral" while complaining about the rising price of chicken rice.

"The drivers' input was invaluable," gushed an FIA spokesperson. "We realized that instead of actual racing, fans want to see athletes master the 'Kiasu Glide'—slowing down 500 meters before a turn to save three cents on energy costs."

George Russell reportedly spent hours learning how to swerve across three lanes without signaling while blaming a phantom cyclist. The new regulations mandate that if a driver’s battery dies, they must immediately display a "CHANGING SHIFT" sign and refuse to finish the race unless the FIA pays a $5 peak-hour surcharge.

LTA is reportedly "aroused" by the move, looking to implement similar "coasting" mandates on the PIE to ensure every Singaporean driver moves with the urgency of a hungover sloth.