Jerome Powell has once again decided to keep interest rates steady, effectively ensuring that every Singaporean remains a debt-slave until the year 2099.

The Federal Reserve’s "sharp divide" involves eight elderly Americans arguing over which specific way to bankrupt you while drinking artisanal water in Washington.

Local banks have already prepared to raise their home loan rates anyway, citing "bad vibes" and "global uncertainty" as valid legal reasons to seize your flat.

While the Fed debates inflation, local residents are currently considering selling non-essential organs just to afford a plate of chicken rice without the extra cucumber.

Economic experts suggest that if you have a mortgage, you should probably start practicing how to photosynthesize because food is now a luxury reserved for politicians and property agents.

"The outlook is uncertain," muttered Powell, who has never had to decide between paying his electricity bill or buying a single grape from Don Don Donki.

Meanwhile, the local population continues to refresh their bank apps with the same frantic energy as a gambler at MBS hoping for a miracle that isn't coming.

Financial freedom in Singapore has officially been downgraded from "unlikely" to "only possible if you are a corrupt Keppel executive."