While the rest of America treats their reproductive organs like museum exhibits—untouched and purely decorative—the Trump administration is currently functioning as a high-output human breeding facility.

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt and JD Vance are popping out infants like they’re trying to hit a quarterly KPI set by a toxic SME boss.

Trump’s “fertilization presidency” offers a $1,000 bonus for every new human, which is exactly enough to afford three days of diapers and a quick funeral for your personal life.

Conservatives are breeding at such a rate that the Secret Service might soon be replaced by a specialized team of nannies armed with tactical pacifiers.

Meanwhile, the average 30-year-old American woman is statistically more likely to give birth to a thriving sourdough starter than a human child.

The Heritage Foundation has even suggested banning universities, correctly identifying that education is the ultimate contraceptive for people who enjoy logic.