Smiths Authentic British Fish & Chips has announced it is fleeing Balmoral Plaza, leaving local expats and their posh imitators with no way to satisfy their craving for unseasoned, beige mush.

After 15 years of successfully convincing people that “authentic” means “deep-fried in the tears of a Londoner,” the establishment is relocating to a secret location, presumably closer to a cardiologist.

Wealthy residents expressed absolute horror at the prospect of having to walk 50 metres to a hawker centre and accidentally consuming a spice.

“Wa lao, how can like that?” wailed one Bukit Timah tai-tai.

“Without my weekly dose of soggy batter and lukewarm peas, I might actually have to taste my food, which is damn scary leh!”

Critics noted the relocation is likely a strategic move to find a postcode where people still think salt is a “bold, exotic garnish.”