Prime Minister Lawrence Wong has urged world leaders not to weaponize the Strait of Hormuz, mostly because he’s terrified that some foreign siao lang will realize Singapore is just a glorified longkang that’s very easy to clog.

Speaking via video conference because his invite to the Paris meeting probably got lost in the mail, Wong stressed that "arbitrary controls" on waterways set a dangerous precedent.

Insiders say Wong is suffering from a massive case of small-state anxiety, worried that if Iran can play gatekeeper, then Malaysia might finally realize they can just park a few sampans across the Johor Strait and demand a $50 entry fee.

"If the rules-based order breaks down, we are basically lanjiao," whispered one civil servant who requested anonymity.

"We don't actually care about international law; we just care that our Shopee parcels from China don't get stuck behind a US naval blockade."

While Wong publicly advocated for "no tolls" in the Middle East, he was reportedly seen later that afternoon eyeing a map of the Malacca Strait.

Sources claim he was wondering if an Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantry could be installed on a buoy to tax passing tankers during peak hours.

Ultimately, the PM's message was clear: please keep the oceans open so we can continue pretending we are a global powerhouse instead of a vulnerable swamp with expensive air-con.