The Ministry of Education has announced that 94.7% of A-Level students passed, confirming that Singaporean exams are now officially easier than finding a Grab driver in the rain.

With nearly everyone passing, an A-Level certificate now holds the same economic value as a used tissue paper used to chope a seat at Maxwell Food Centre.

The Ministry claims the new "interest-driven learning" reduces stress, which is code for making the papers so simple that a literal long-tailed macaque could qualify for a local degree.

The remaining 5.3% of failures have been kindly invited to stop breathing to avoid further embarrassing the national GDP.

Disappointed parents are already searching PropertyGuru for smaller flats that don't include space for a child who lacks basic H2 competency.

If you are part of the failing minority, please surrender your pink IC and report to the nearest construction site for immediate manual labor.