The annual Shangri-La Dialogue has once again proven that the best way to prevent a nuclear holocaust is by gathering 500 sweaty men in tailored suits to eat wagyu while discussing how much they hate each other.

Vietnamese President To Lam declared that the Asia-Pacific is the “theatre” for global solutions, accurately identifying that the world’s future depends entirely on whether American and Chinese generals can stop measuring their junk long enough to order dessert.

While Lam preached about a "rules-based order," delegates spent the afternoon interpreting "international law" as "whatever we can get away with before the satellites notice."

The summit successfully concluded that strategic trust is at an all-time low, though trust in the hotel’s open bar remains unshakable.

Experts agree that as long as the air-conditioning holds, the region can safely ignore the encroaching apocalypse.

Vietnam’s "Four Nos" policy was also clarified: No alliances, no bases, no force, and absolutely no way anyone actually believes this.