Singapore has officially reached peak efficiency as citizens now treat their eight hours of unconsciousness as a high-stakes quarterly appraisal.

Psychiatrists report a surge in patients who can’t sleep because they’re too busy calculating the ROI of their melatonin peaks on mental Excel spreadsheets.

Local youths are also suffering from "short-video-induced brain rot," scrolling TikTok until their retinas sizzle just to avoid the existential dread of a quiet room.

“I monitor my sleep score on four different smartwatches, leh,” said one marketing executive who hasn't blinked since the pandemic.

“If my REM cycle not ‘A’ grade, I feel like a total loser, so I stay awake worrying until 5am—maximum kiasu!”

Experts confirm that for Singaporeans, the only thing more terrifying than death is a non-productive dream.