A US firm has launched a quantum research hub in one-north to ensure Singaporeans remain the most high-tech, miserable people on Earth.

The "Helios" computer uses qubits to process information in multiple states simultaneously, mirroring the average Sinkie who is simultaneously "working hard" and "dead inside."

The Digital Minister claimed quantum tech would revolutionise logistics, though researchers confirmed the hardware is actually being used to find the shortest queue at Maxwell Food Centre.

"Wah, this quantum thing power lah," said one local data scientist.

"Now I can calculate exactly how many years of my life I wasted in meetings without opening Excel, damn fast one."

The system will eventually calculate if Singaporeans actually have personalities.