In a move that has sent the regional kiasu meter into a total meltdown, President Trump and President Prabowo Subianto have signed a defense pact thicker than a stack of unsold Straits Times newspapers.

The "major" upgrade reportedly includes a fleet of F-35 jets and a tactical guarantee that the U.S. will pretend to care if anyone accidentally steps on an Indonesian coral reef.

U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth described the deal as a "game changer," mostly because it allows the Pentagon to offload 1980s hardware at prices that would make a Sim Lim Square shop owner weep with joy.

"Indonesia is huge, it’s fantastic, it’s not a tiny island where people live in concrete pigeon holes," Trump allegedly shouted while signing a document he thought was a menu for Nasi Padang.

Prabowo reportedly secured the deal by promising that Indonesia would remain "strategically relevant," which is diplomatic code for having a lot of rocks in the sea that China wants to touch.

Military analysts say the new weaponry is designed to ensure Indonesia looks "Sibei Tok Gong" during regional summits, effectively ending Singapore’s monopoly on having the most expensive toys in the playground.

"Kan ni na, now they have more jets than us," muttered one local defense enthusiast while frantically checking if Mindef has any spare change for a Death Star.

The partnership also includes a secret clause where the U.S. Air Force will help Indonesia finally figure out how to direct their haze away from Singapore and towards someone who doesn't complain as much.

Despite the massive military buildup, experts agree that Indonesia’s greatest defense remains its ability to make the entire region choke on burnt forest air whenever someone gets bored in Sumatra.

In response, Singapore has reportedly placed an order for two dozen "Super-Stealth" umbrellas to protect the population from any potential fallout of an Indonesian ego.

The deal is expected to be finalized once the U.S. Treasury confirms that "strategic vibes" and "brotherhood" are not actually valid forms of currency for supersonic missiles.