The Ministry of Home Affairs has finally applauded Singaporean motorists for achieving a record-breaking 149 fatalities, officially surpassing the previous high-score set back in 2016.

Authorities confirmed that the "urgent need to defecate" is now a legally recognized reason to treat the PIE like a Mario Kart time trial.

To further encourage this high-octane slaughter, the government is lowering the drink-driving limit to ensure only the most elite, high-functioning alcoholics remain behind the wheel.

"Vision Zero isn't about zero deaths; it’s about zero survivors who can't take a joke," said one Traffic Police officer while wiping fresh blood off a speed camera.

The 695 daily speeding violations are being hailed as a sign of a vibrant, "cannot-wait" economy where the destination is always more important than a human spine.

If you aren't zipping through traffic like a suicidal mosquito, you're basically a traitor to our nation’s legendary productivity.

Pedestrians who complain about being flung against windscreens are reminded that they are simply providing a much-needed Physics lesson to the community.

Families of victims are encouraged to see the silver lining: their loved ones have finally contributed to shortening the wait times for everything else in this crowded city.