President Donald Trump announced today that the U.S. military is clearing the Strait of Hormuz of mines, a heroic act specifically designed to stop middle-aged Singaporeans from fucking complaining about their petrol bills for five minutes.

While Iranian officials arrived in Pakistan dressed in mourning black and clutching the belongings of dead students, Singaporeans were busy refreshing the Shell app to see if the price of 98-octane had dropped by three cents.

“We are doing a huge favor for the world, especially for those little people in the Red Dot who think a global conflict is just an annoying obstacle to their Saturday drive to JB,” Trump posted on Truth Social while JD Vance awkwardly tried to explain to a Pakistani waiter that his eyeliner was a tactical choice.

The reopening of the waterway is expected to alleviate the "unbearable suffering" of Bukit Timah residents who have recently had to endure the shame of driving their Mercedes in ‘Eco Mode’ to save on fuel costs.

Local analysts suggest that while the war has killed thousands, the real tragedy remains the fact that Singapore wasn't chosen as the mediator, depriving the nation of its favorite pastime: charging foreigners $15 for a bottle of lukewarm Tiger beer and a chance to see a man in a white suit nod.

“Limpeh don’t care who wins the war, as long as the tankers keep coming so I can drive to Changi for Nasi Lemak without spending half my salary on gas,” said one local driver who hasn't looked at a map since the 1997 Asian Financial Crisis.

Negotiators in Islamabad reported "mood swings" during the talks, which is a diplomatic way of saying Trump kept asking if the Strait of Hormuz could be renamed "The Great Trump Canal" if he personally scuba-dived to kick the mines away.

Iranian officials reportedly threatened to close the strait again after finding out that Singaporeans were more upset about the price of shipping for their Shopee orders than the actual bombing of a foreign school.

The Pope has urged an end to the "madness of war," but the Singaporean government has countered by urging the Pope to focus on the "madness of global supply chain disruptions" that are making the new iPhone slightly more expensive than a human life.

As the U.S. military sets conditions to clear the mines, Trump has promised that the first supertanker through the strait will fly a giant banner that says "YOU'RE WELCOME, SINKIE LOSERS."

Authorities in Singapore have welcomed the move, noting that a war-free Middle East is secondary to the primary goal of ensuring every Singaporean can continue to sit in 2-hour traffic jams with the air-con set to a frosty 16 degrees.