Minister Shanmugam has confirmed that thanks to some guys shooting missiles in the desert, your daily caifan is about to cost more than a fucking COE.

Since fertiliser is now more expensive than printer ink, the government urges Singaporeans to exercise "flexibility"—which is minister-speak for "start hunting neighborhood pigeons for protein."

The national food stockpile remains classified, likely because it’s just 4 million cartons of expired H-Two-O and some stone-hard Khong Guan biscuits.

"If you can't afford chicken, just smell your neighbor's kitchen and suck your thumb," suggested one official while vibrating with privilege.

The Ministry reminds citizens that widespread starvation is actually a great way to finally meet your IPPT weight goals.