As students flee the gun-toting West for the sterile safety of Singapore, local universities have officially rebranded as "High-Budget Overseas Annexes."

The shift occurs as applicants realize that experiencing a random stabbing in London is significantly more taxing than paying $3,000 for a partitioned room in Geylang.

"In Ohio, I might get mugged for my laptop," noted one postgraduate.

"In Singapore, I just get emotionally destroyed by a 70-year-old cleaner for holding the lift too long."

The National University of Singapore (NUS) welcomed the surge, confirming that the additional revenue will fund a new department dedicated to making the bell curve even more lethal.

Local undergraduates have reportedly prepared for the new competition by practicing their "thousand-yard stare" during three-hour lectures.

With Western visas becoming rarer than a helpful government officer, Singapore remains the top spot for anyone wanting a degree without the risk of a spontaneous human interaction.