Singaporeans emerged from their slumber today shocked to learn that Donald Trump has already finished a war with Iran, which is awkward because most of us hadn't even finished our Netflix series.

While you were snoring and dreaming of winning the Group 1 TOTO prize, the White House declared peace just in time for the legal paperwork to not matter.

The Straits Times "While You Were Sleeping" column serves as a daily reminder that the planet is a burning dumpster fire, but as long as the internet works and the air-con stays at 19 degrees, nobody here gives a flying hoot.

Ukraine is currently struggling with severe manpower shortages, but local men are too busy complaining about their IPPT results to care about actual trenches.

In France, bakers are being praised for working on Labour Day to sell baguettes to the masses.

This has prompted local SME owners to suggest that we should replace public holidays with a mandatory "National Productivity Orgy" where we all just eat bread at our desks until we die.

Trump is also hiking tariffs on European cars by 25%.

This is adorable to Singaporeans, who are used to paying a 400% markup just for the privilege of sitting in a stationary vehicle on the PIE.

Now go back to sleep.

The world might end by lunch, but your robot vacuum still needs to empty its dustbin.