National treasure Sumiko Tan has graciously informed the public that her body is currently decomposing at the standard rate for a 62-year-old.

After 14 grueling months of staring at a wall in SGH, the Straits Times columnist has successfully mastered the art of washing her own hair without crying.

While ordinary Sinkies simply ignore their mounting physical failures until they drop dead at a hawker centre, Sumiko has turned a minor shoulder twitch into a sprawling cinematic universe.

The groundbreaking series "The Physio Fix" promises to explore the shocking, never-before-seen phenomenon of human joints getting stiff after six decades of being alive.

Sources say the government is considering a public holiday to celebrate the moment Sumiko finally managed to reach her own crown with a bottle of Pantene.

We eagerly await her next 2,000-word dissertation on the existential horror of a mildly ingrown toenail.