President Donald Trump has doubled down on his claim that Iran is "desperately sliding into his DMs" for a ceasefire, despite Tehran calling him a "compulsive, orange-tinted liar."

Trump compared the Iranian President to a "lowballing siao lang" on Carousell, claiming Tehran offered fifty cents and a used power bank in exchange for regional peace.

Meanwhile, Singaporeans are collectively shitting themselves as fuel prices rise faster than a Grab driver’s blood pressure during a peak-hour jam.

“Lanjiao lah, I don't care who is bombing who, just open the damn Strait of Hormuz so my 95 petrol doesn't cost more than a TOTO winning,” said one local driver.

Experts suggest Trump’s "maximalist" strategy involves yelling at a gold-plated wall until the global economy actually collapses into a pile of ash.