In a courtroom battle featuring more legal gymnastics than a Cirque du Soleil show, Davinder Singh has successfully argued that "secrecy" in Singapore is simply a luxury brand that Bloomberg reporters are too kiam siap to afford.

Low De Wei, the Bloomberg scribe who dared suggest that ministers’ property deals were "shrouded in mystery," was reminded that any peasant in Singapore can uncover the truth if they simply possess the financial liquidly of a small child’s angbao.

Senior Counsel Davinder Singh, whose cross-examination style is essentially a psychological colonoscopy, pointed out that the Singapore Land Authority (SLA) offers the "truth" for the low, low price of $16.

"Is it a secret if you’re just too damn poor to pay the transaction fee?" Singh basically asked, while staring so hard at Low that the reporter’s LSE degree began to spontaneously combust.

Low argued that the average Sinkie doesn't spend thousands of dollars on INLIS searches unless they are looking for a reason to jump off a multi-storey car park, but the court remained unconvinced by his "poverty logic."

The trial pivoted on the definition of "opacity," with the prosecution arguing that Singapore is actually sibei transparent, provided you have a credit card and the patience to navigate a website designed in the Windows 95 era.

Low’s article had suggested that using "trusts" to buy mansions was a way of cloaking identities, a claim Singh dismantled by explaining that the Government knows everything about you anyway, so why does it matter if the public is kept in the dark?

"It is only a secret if you are a broke-ass loser," one legal observer noted, while watching Singh grill Low over why he didn't spend his lunch money on title searches instead of whatever hipster kale salad he eats in London.

The reporter’s defense—that "public interest" shouldn't require a paid subscription to a government database—was met with the kind of stony silence usually reserved for a man who farts in an overcrowded MRT carriage.

The courtroom drama highlighted a fundamental Singaporean truth: nothing is hidden if you are willing to pay the administrative fee, including the identities of your landlords and the location of your own dignity.

As the trial continues, Singaporeans are left wondering if they should start a GoFundMe for Low De Wei so he can afford the $5.25 required to stop being a "liar" in the eyes of the law.

Singh is expected to continue his assault tomorrow, likely asking if Low also considers the contents of a sealed envelope "shrouded in secrecy" just because he doesn't have a letter opener.