Singapore, once a bastion of peace and civility, is reeling under an unprecedented feathered onslaught. Following a staggering 15,000 crow-related complaints last year – a threefold leap since 2020 – the government has declared war on its avian aggressors, reinstating crow shooting operations. This dramatic move comes after less-lethal methods, such as sternly worded advisories and passive-aggressive bird nets, proved woefully inadequate.

An anonymous official from the newly formed Ministry of Avian Order and Urban Harmony commented, "Our data projected an alarming 400% surge in nuisance squawks and unwarranted dive-bombing incidents. The integrity of our outdoor dining experience was at stake."

Safety, however, remains paramount. Elite marksmen, equipped with cutting-edge, laser-guided bird shots, are bound by a strict "upwards only" firing protocol to prevent a repeat of pellet-on-HDB incidents. "Honestly, these crows think they own the sky, can fly wherever they want. Now government got to step in, otherwise later they demand their own HDB flat, how?" quipped a Toa Payoh resident, Mr. Lim, adjusting his cap protectively. The nation holds its breath, hoping for a quieter, less poopy future.