The Singapore government has officially designated all neighbourhood kopitiams as "Extreme Survivalist Luxury Spas" to justify the soaring prices of lukewarm coffee.

Tourists now pay $200 to sit on greasy plastic stools that have been permanently fused with human back-sweat since 1982.

The immersive experience features a mandatory "verbal assault" package delivered by a septuagenarian auntie who clearly despises your entire bloodline.

"Oi, order properly can or not, don't talk so much, you think this one your father's house ah?" screamed local beverage artisan, Uncle Tan.

Humidity levels are strictly maintained at "slow death" to ensure every patron feels the physical toll of a three-dollar laksa.

NEA officials confirmed that pigeon droppings landing on your soft-boiled eggs are now officially classified as "artisanal probiotic garnish."

Any citizen seen wiping their own table will be immediately arrested for sabotaging the authentic filth of this heritage site.