Singaporean parents are reportedly pivoting to high-frequency trading of their offspring to keep up with the soaring costs of premium childcare.

With monthly fees now exceeding the GDP of several small Polynesian nations, infant care centres have officially transitioned into elite offshore tax havens for toddlers.

"I sell my soul to boss, then I sell my son to market, just to pay for teacher teach him how to clap hands," said local parent Tan Ah Kow.

Experts suggest that by 2030, a standard playgroup session will require the liquidation of a parent’s entire CPF savings and a non-consensual lung donation.

"Siao liao, the fee increase faster than my hair drop, so I tell my boy better learn to trade crypto during nap time or don't come home," noted a disgruntled father.

The government has responded to the crisis by suggesting parents simply "stop breathing" to save on household expenses.