The Ministry of Education has mandated a "Neural-Link" update for all Zoom lessons to ensure students don't blink during 14-hour math marathons.

Teachers can now remotely trigger high-voltage pulses through keyboards if a student’s pupils deviate from the quadratic formula for more than three milliseconds.

Local mother, Mdm Tan, praised the initiative while duct-taping her seven-year-old to an ergonomic gaming chair.

"Wah lau, last time he always off camera go toilet, now the Zoom auto-lock the toilet door until he get A*, steady lah!" she said.

Government officials confirmed that "eye-tracking technology" is actually just a retired discipline master watching 40,000 screens simultaneously from a secret bunker in Tuas.

Any child caught looking at a pet or a sibling will have their internet speed throttled to 56kbps until the next General Election.

Educators believe this is the only way to maintain global rankings while children are tempted by the "demonic distractions" of their own pillows.