The Singapore Armed Forces has successfully weaponised auditory torture by hosting a mandatory karaoke cohesion session at the battalion mess.

Soldiers were forced to endure six hours of lukewarm Tiger beer and a Sergeant Major who genuinely believes his vocal cords aren't a national security threat.

The event, designed to boost "morale," instead resulted in three recruits attempting to desert by swimming to Batam using only their SAF-issued sandals.

"Liao lor, the CO sing until like dying cow lidat, I rather go back outfield and kena tekan until peng san," complained Corporal Liew.

Commanders confirmed that the sheer horror of hearing a tone-deaf Lieutenant-Colonel screeching into a $10 microphone is more effective than any actual tactical training.

"Oi, don't keng and hide in toilet ah, your turn to sing 'Wonderwall' or you go sign seven extra!" screamed the Company Sergeant Major while spilling beer on a recruit’s boots.

High-ranking officials noted that if the enemy ever hears the 3rd Battalion’s rendition of 'I Want It That Way', they will surrender within seconds to avoid further permanent ear damage.

The mess remains a crime scene where the only thing louder than the singing is the collective sobbing of men praying for their two-year sentence to end.