The Ministry of Education has officially added methylphenidate to the compulsory booklist to ensure "maximum cognitive efficiency" during the PSLE.

Local pharmacies report a shortage as desperate parents attempt to turn their average toddlers into hyper-focused, exam-crushing cyborgs.

"My boy no need sleep one, just swallow pill and mug 24 hours," said Mrs Tan, while crushing tablets into her son’s Milo.

"Last time he so blur like sotong, now he can calculate the trajectory of a falling durian in his sleep, steady lah!"

Critics argue pharmacological intervention is cheating, but they were silenced by a record-breaking national average of perfect AL scores.

In Singapore, if your child isn't vibrating from a Ritalin overdose by recess, you’re basically a child abuser.